Okay, so tomorrow’s Halloween, right?  Do you have a costume?  Are you wearing said costume to work?  Are are mentally challenged?

Seriously.  I don’t get the Halloween thing.  I mean, sure, it was fun when I was a kid to dress up and go door to door trick or treating and making myself sick on candy for the next few weeks (or, more accurately, a few days with my sweet tooth.)  I can even understand, though I will never be caught dead doing it, people wearing costumes to costume parties.  What I don’t understand is how people can wear costumes to a professional workplace.  Exhibit A – three of my co-workers:

Now, granted, I’ll give the two on the left props for originality…especially considering that we work publishing TV content.  (Ryan is dressed as McGruber from SNL, Nick as Brett Michaels from Rock of Love…with guyliner even.)  And Nate wins the award for the most elaborate costume, although that hardly counts, since he goes to pirate conventions dressed like that every once a month, it seems.  This year, I was shocked to find that more guys dressed up for Halloween than girls. 

But at work?  Really?  There’s just no way I can take you seriously when you’re dressed like a member of the cast of a VH1 Reality show.  You got a problem you need help with?  You’ll have to wait until Monday.  I can’t focus through the dying gasp of your professionalism.

Oh, and while we’re at it, what’s with girls dressing up like hookers for Halloween? 

"Why are you dressed up like a whore?"
"I’m not!  I’m a witch."
"Um, no.  You’re a hooker with pointy hat on."
"Nuh uh!  I’m a sexy witch."
"Look sister, I know a hooker when I see one.  In fact, there’s a dead hooker in the trunk of my car as we speak.  And you, miss thang, are a whore with a pointy hat."
"I also have a wand."
"Look, just go away.  If I wanted to see a whore with a hat, I’d have stuck a baseball cap on my ex-wife*."

* I’m just kidding.  My ex-wife and are actually on good terms.  She’s in the trunk of my car.

Look, if you have to use the adjective "Sexy" to describe your costume, then it’s not a good costume.  Unless you happen to be using it as an adjective for "Male Swimsuit Model."  Fortunately, we didn’t have any sexy nurses, sexy schoolgirls, sexy witches, sexy stenographers, sexy angels, etc. in the female workforce today.  During one of our conference calls today, however, the contact from the other company said that his secretary came to work dressed as a "punta loca" (translated: Crazy Bitch. His words, not mine)–a latina gangsta girl.  Is that the impression you want to be making, even on Halloween Eve?

I know I’m an old curmudgeon already, but I just don’t get it.  I don’t.  And I REALLY don’t get decorating for Halloween.  Exhibit B – The Lobby of my Building:

This is a brand new building–one of six massive new buildings built to house the Entertainment and Devices division of the company (Xbox, Zune, etc.)  That huge white thing at the top of the picture is a two-store high LED curtain that probably cost enough money to pay for the salary of at least three of the people working on my team for a year.  The Atrium is a huge, beautiful four-story high space with a glass ceiling, with massive planters full of real tropical plants scattered around in cozy little seating areas.  So what better way to decorate for Halloween by filling the atrium with cotton batting fake spider webs and giant inflatable fabric  pumpkins.  Because nothing says "I wear a mullet, my car is up on blocks, and I have couch in my front yard," better than 4-foot high giant inflatable lawn ornaments being used for decorations in a professional workplace.

Aside 1: Giant Inflatable Lawn Decorations are never appropriate under any circumstance whatsoever.  If you use Giant Inflatable Lawn Decorations, you are, by definition, tacky and white trash.  Now you know.  This also holds true for giant inflatable snow globes, nativities, motorized reindeer, or those really heinous plywood cutouts of silhouettes or ladies bending over in the garden showing their underpants.

(By the way, don’t do a search for "Lady Bending over in a garden" in Google unless you’ve got SafeSearch turned on.  Just trust me.)

Aside 2: White-trashy decorations are bad enough, but can someone please tell me why it’s okay for us to put up Halloween decorations in the workplace at all.  Sure, it’s okay if you decorate the brand new building in Nuevo-redneck decor to celebrate an opportunity to dress like a sexy witch prostitute, but, by company policy you can’t put up any decorations in December to celebrate a holiday that promotes Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men…both of which were apparently acquired by Google at the end of 2004.  That offends my sensibilities.  Not in the self-righteous religious way, but in the "Why can’t you decorate for a holiday that has a less horrendous color scheme" sort of way.  Orange totally makes me look pasty. 

Besides, everyone knows that, after the age of 12, October 31st is good for one thing, and one thing only: going to your local superstore (Target, Fred Meyer, etc.) and looking at the Christmas decorations.  Because starting on November 1st, it is the patriotic duty of every red-blooded American man and woman to deck the friggin’ halls already.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get a dead hooker out of my trunk so I can go get my new Christmas Tree tomorrow.