***

So, I took a hip hop dance class yesterday.  It was pretty tragic.  Turns out that I still have a pretty good mind for choreography.  I could totally remember what steps came next, I just couldn’t make my body do them fast enough.  Also, I did jumping jacks as part of the warm-up for the class.  Apparently, jumping jacks are really bad for your lower back, because the act of doing jumping jacks hurt so badly I could barely stay upright.  I’m going to blame having to counterbalance my gut for the back problems.

***

My staycation ends in about 90 minutes, and I don’t want it to.  This has been perhaps the single most relaxed, enjoyable, and fulfilling week of my entire life.  I cooked, baked, gardened, played video games, did laundry, worked in the garden, watched TV, saw Harry Potter twice, saw Captain America, saw another movie I can’t remember (it obviously made a big impression on me), took Luke swimming, got a gym membership, swam a mile and a half, took a dance class, got the car cleaned, and took lots and lots of naps. It was awesome.

I’m not looking forward to the state of my inbox when I return tomorrow.

***

I re-hired my cleaning lady this week.  I’m having her come once every two weeks instead of once a week like before.  And I’m going to be getting rid of my cable television shortly to help cover the cost.  Part of me feels bad because I know a lot of people can’t afford to pay someone to come to their home and clean, but at the same time, I’ve just decided that this is one of the perks of being single.  There are a lot of things I can’t do because I’m single, but being able to afford to hire a cleaning lady is one of the things I can do.  So I’m going to do it, and I’m not going to feel guilty.

Also, she rocks.  She cleans my apartment better in three hours than I can do by myself in two days.

***

Back with Siskel and Ebert/Ebert and Roper were on TV, I used to love watching their movie review shows.  Then, of course, Siskel died and Ebert lost his lower jaw.  So, instead, Ebert and his wife are now producing a new movie review show for syndication. 

Me no likey.  Look, I get it.  People who love film really love film.  And many of them love “art” film.  They’re more interested in “films” than “movies.”  I really do get it.  But the problem is, I don’t really care that much about most art film.  When I spend $15 to go to the movies, I go to the movies for entertainment.  I get next to nothing out of the two chowderheads Ebert hired to host the show.  Christi Lemiere has, ostensibly, the worst taste in movies of all time.  I mean, she actually gave a thumbs up to Mr. Popper’s Penguins.  And don’t even get me started on that pompus windbag, Ignati Vishnavetsky.  Iganti is the ultimate in movie hipsters.  He just did his “5 Best movies of the year so far” list, and not a single one of his films was even remotely approachable.  And I think it’s great that he cares so much for the art of cinema.  It’s just completely WORTHLESS to me as an interested viewer.  It’s unfortunate, because I really like watching movie commentary—I just can’t stand the commentary of these two. 

Instead, I guess I’ll just have to keep sticking with one of the best movie reviewers out there: Mr. Eric D. Snider. At least he doesn’t have his head so far up his own rear end that all he ever watches and reviews are limited release art films that are more torturous to sit through than a Jr. High Production of Shakespeare.

I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.  What does that even mean?  Just a sec…

According to the Internets:

This proverb is based on the fact that a horse’s value is determined by his age, which, in turn, can be roughly determined by an examination of his teeth. The message conveyed is that a gift should be appreciated for the thought and spirit behind it, not according to its value. St. Jerome, who never accepted payment for his writings, first used the phrase in reply to his literary critics. His exact words: "Never inspect the teeth of a gift horse."

Which doesn’t actually apply to what I wanted to write about, but never mind.  Idiomatic usage trumps actual meaning always.  So let it be written, so let it be done.

Anyway, what I meant to say before I rode the Google horse off into the sunset forever is that today was beautiful.  Stunningly beautiful.  This week, winter took a little siesta and let us enjoy just a little bit more autumn.  Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday it was warm and sunny.  It got up to 74 on Thursday.  Then, Friday and Saturday, it went back to winter: cold and rainy.  Then, this morning I work up and there was sun.  I suppose, if we still have to continue to practice the arcane tradition of Daylight Saving Time (note: NOT Daylight SavingS time), then a beautiful fall day is the least that could be expected in return.

I took Luke down to the park, and let him off his leash, since we were up at the butt crack of dawn (see: Daylight Saving Time).  It was so nice outside, and the clouds so interesting that as soon as we got home, I loaded up my camera a tripod and went back to the park to take some pictures of the last of the fall foliage.  I also wanted to use my new tripod to take some HDR photos.   The picture above is one of the results of that.

Then, a couple of naps, a few loads of laundry, a loaf of homemade bread, a piece of key lime pie, another couple of dog walks, and four solid hours of video game time, I figured I should come back to the blog.

It was a very, very good day.

***

On a completely unrelated note, I wanted to revisit my blog post about giving an anonymous gift at Christmas.  So, the morning after I wrote that blog post, I got an email from an old high school friend.  He sent a very generous donation to my Christmas Project, but wanted to play "devil’s advocate" a bit.  Basically, there were a few things that he wanted me to think on:

• What if giving this family money would offend them.
• I don’t KNOW for sure that they’re needy
• I probably shouldn’t get other people in the complex involved because I don’t want them to become "the family that’s poor and needs help."

I had actually been thinking along those same lines, and came to a couple of conclusions.  First, I agree that getting a whole bunch of other people involved, no matter how well-intentioned, probably isn’t the best of ideas.  I think I’m going to rely on the good old postal service. 

Secondly, I’m not going to turn it into a big production number.  (I have a tendency to do that sometimes…who know that all those years in theatre would influence me so negatively?) 

Third, I will include a quick message saying something along the lines of "If you can use this money to help with your holiday expenses, my only ask is that you remember this and try to ‘pay it forward’ some time in the future when you are able.  if you don’t need this money, please pass it along to someone who does."  Only I won’t use the phrase "pay it forward" because, for some reason, I just really hate that phrase.  I think it’s from watching The Biggest Loser where it gets said 374 times each episode.

Fourth, and most importantly, I’m going to stop talking about it.  I didn’t originally bring it up on the blog to toot my own horn, but mostly to see if anyone else out there wanted to help.  (PS, if you want to help, read how HERE!)  But, if I keep talking about it, then really, it just sounds show-offy.  And goodness knows I can’t do that well enough all on my own. 

***

On the recommendation of Orson Scott Card, I have started watching the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender.  I have to say…I’m actually fairly impressed.  I despise Anime and Anime-style shows, but I’m really enjoying this.  I think that, because it is an American-made show, it helps significantly.  The stories, writing, and acting are quite good.  The animation style is a little primitive, but not so much so that I bothers me.  If you have Netflix streaming, I’d recommend it.  It’s very good, and has that Harry Potter-ish young-child-trying-to-take-on-a-task-that’s-far-too-big-for-him-and-save-the-world thing going on.

***

Is there really anything in this world more perfect than Lime sorbet in the middle of a hot summer day?  It’s about the most easy thing in the world to make, but just so sublime in the heat.

***

Speaking of heat, it’s been HOT here the last couple of days.  Well, hot for Seattle, anyway.  (It doesn’t take much to be considered hot here, because nobody has air conditioning.  But it’s been in the low-to-mid 90s.  That’s too warm.

***

Nothing makes Luke the dog happier than being in the water.  He’s a water dog, through and through.  I don’t like taking him swimming very often, though.  And, surprisingly, it’s not the wet dog smell–although I wouldn’t consider that pleasant.  No, the reason why I don’t like taking Luke the Dog swimming is because he swallows so much water than he has to be taken out for potty breaks every 30 minutes for the next three hours otherwise he’ll go in the house.  He never has accidents inside the house, but if I ignore him at all after his swimming, then we have a problem.  So, an hour of swimming turns into a total of four hours where I can’t really do anything else.

***

Have I mentioned how much I love my piano?

***

I have FINALLY gotten my studio and my bedroom switched out, the studio rewired, and the two rooms cleaned up and back to a pseudo-normal state.  I just have to switch the stuff in the bathrooms, and then this little adventure will be complete.

***

I’ve decided it’s time to SERIOUSLY declutter my life.  I’m going to be personally stocking the shelves of the Goodwill for the next six months with the crap that I’m getting rid of.  So far I’ve thrown away or donated:

• Queen Boxspring and Mattress Frame
• Four Pair of Shoes
• Three sets of sheets
• Four pillows
• Two pair of jeans
• Four pair of shorts
• 30 pairs of socks
• Old medicines
• A couple of duffle bags
• A Netbook Computer
• Dozens of boxes for my electronics
• About 500 pounds of extra computer cabels
• An extra blender and steame
• Over 150 DVDs
• All of my remaining CDs
• Most of my printed books
• Some T-Shirts
• A bunch of old electronics manuals

It’s freeing to get rid of so much stuff so quickly.  Usually, the only time I get rid of this much is when I’m moving…and since I have no intention of doing that again for a LONG time, this was as good a time as any.

***

It’s time for me to start work on my next audiobook.  This one’s going to be fun to do.  I’m going to see if I can’t get it done more quickly this time around.  Should be a little easier now that So You Think You Can Dance is over for the season.

***

Speaking of TV, the only show that I’m watching right now is Warehouse 13.  There’s nothing coming up that interests me this fall, and I’m burned out on most of the other stuff I used to watch.   So, I’ve decided that, in addition to catching the whole series of West Wing, I’m also going to start watching all the old episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I always liked that show growing up, but I’ve never watched all of them.  Should be a fun little trip down memory lane. 

***

Wow.  Random thoughts are random.

I can now blog from my sofa.

That’s right.  Today, I received my early birthday present to myself: my new Dell laptop.  This may  not seem like a particularly fascinating development.  And, let’s be honest…it’s not.  But it’s unusual for me.  I’m not usually a fan of the laptop.  I like having a full-sized keyboard and a big screen (or, in my case, two big screens.)  But I figured it was time to get a laptop…especially for the kind of work I’m going to be doing with my new job.  Since I have to be transporting video back and forth between my studio at home and my office, this just seemed like a perfect fit.

Plus, now it gives me the opportunity to live-blog TV shows.  Not that I will actually do that, but I could do that if I were so inclined.

—-

The new job, for those who keep asking, is coming along pretty well.  It’s a great company at which to work.  (Is that grammatically correct?  I was trying not to use a preposition to end that sentence with.)  The job is enjoyable and very challenging for me, which is a nice change of pace.   The environment is very different than my last job.  At Microsoft, I was one of the oldest members of a very young team.  The team was very relaxed, fun, and—well—hilariously unprofessional.  I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, by more in a walking-hr-violation-make-me-laugh-all-the-time sort of way.  Because it was a younger group of folks, there were a lot of friendships between the people at work.  If it weren’t for some of the folks I met on that job, I wouldn’t talk to anyone else…ever.  Pretty much my only relationships here are from friends that I made on that job.

The new environment is equally relaxed, but that’s about where the similarities end.  It’s a much more staid environment.  The people are wonderful, and quite friendly.  But I’ve gone from being one of the oldest of a young team to one of the youngest of my new team.  Most of my teammates have families, and several have children.  It is, I imagine, much more like a regular work environment than I was used to.  It’s not bad, by any means…just very different.  I like the folks I work with a lot, and they’ve been extremely helpful.  But I don’t see any of my current co-workers and I hanging out on the weekends. 

That being said, the company’s great.  In two days, I will have amazing health insurance.  It’s wonderful knowing how much every paycheck is going to be, even if I take time off.  I really enjoy working with the clients, and I think that as I begin to have a better understanding of our system, I’ll be able to provide a lot of value to the company.

—-

I’m in the mood to start watching a new TV show, and I’m trying to figure out which shows I’d like to see.  I’ve thought about watching the X-Files from beginning to end.  I’m half-way through My Name is Earl which was funny for the first season, but afterwards I lost interest.  I think what I’m going to pick up next is The West Wing.  I love some of the actors in that show, especially Bradley Whitford and Allison Janney (or however her name is spelled.)  Plus I need a show that’s a little more, well, intellectual. 

Besides, I need something to tide me over before Warehouse 13 comes back on in July.

If you’re not watching this show, I’d highly suggest it.  Funny, well-written, and inventive.  Plus, Eddie McClintock!

—-

So, you may have noticed that there’s something a little different about my blog theme.  I’m trying a few different things, and I have latched on to a new theme yet.  I like the layout of this theme…especially the fact that the categories are listed as a drop-down above.  But, I still need to make some customizations if this is the theme I decide to stick with.  I’m not a HUGE fan of the white text on black background…but it’s hard to find a theme that I actually like.  Plus this theme has the comments link at the top of the post, which doesn’t make any sense at all.  Actually, the more I think about it, the less I want to keep this theme.

If anyone can suggest WordPress themes that they like, let me know.  I’m a tough cookie when it comes to themes.

Now, instead of having informational and instructional television, they fill it up with Unwrapped, Iron Chef, Chopped, Dinner:Impossible, Throwdown, Food Network Challenge, The Next Food Network Star, and Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.  Instead of teaching us how to cook, they teach us that a headband and a snooty British accent means that you have what it takes to judge a cake building competition.  Instead of the Sarah Moltens and Mario Batalis, we have the Neeleys, Brian Boitano, and Sandra Lee–people who may have a personality, but can’t really teach you much about the technique of cooking because they think it’s okay to make mixed drinks out of crushed kiwi, vodka, melon liqueur, and juice from a jar of jalapeno peppers.

Side Note: If you’ve ever seen Semi-Insane: With Sandra Lee, I’d suggest you read this hysterical article.  Best Line–in reference to Sandra’s Kwanzaa Cake: "It’s like being sodomized by the sugar plum fairy."

So, instead of watching Food Network twenty four-seven liked I used to, I am now a fan of HGTV (motto: Why make our own TV Shows when we can just buy them from Canada?)  All of the American-produced HGTV shows are stupid competition shows or shows like Selling New York, which just follows around a bunch of agents selling ludicrously over-priced property to excruciatingly wealthy jackasses with gigantic egos. (Which isn’t surprising, since HGTV is owned by the same parent company as Food Network.  Apparently, Scripps is more interested in making the food and real estate equivalents of Flavor of Love than in programming content that is actually watchable) 

However, more than half of HGTV’s premiere programming is purchased from Canadian production companies.  Apparently, Canadians don’t have enough to do during their frigid winters, so when they’re bored, they remodel their homes.  And they’re good enough at it that they can actually teach others how to do it.  Divine Design, Sarah’s House, The Unsellables, Property Virgins, and Income Property all grace major spots in the network’s prime time lineup.  But the Canadian-produced show that stands head and shoulders above them all is Holmes on Homes.  

In HoH, Mike Holmes is a contractor who goes into situations where contractors have given their customers the royal screw job, completely undoes the damage caused by these yahoos, and then fixes it.   He helps them oot.  (Get it?  Oot?  ‘Cause he’s Canadian?  Oh, never mind.)  (Seriously.  Where’s your sense of humor?) 

Mike’s Motto is "Make It Right."  His whole message centers around the fact that, if you spend the time and money to do it right the first time, then you won’t have to go back and fix it up later.  It’s always cheaper and easier in the long run to just do what it takes to make it right than it is to bandage it.

I started watching this show about three weeks ago because nothing was on and instantly I was hooked.  I grew up around construction.  My dad was a construction manager for most of my formative years, and I used to go to his office with him, or occasionally tour his job sites as they were in progress.  For 7 1/2 of the 8 years we spent in our house in Albion, it was under renovation.  So watching shows like this make me nostalgic in a way.  I still watch This Old House or Hometime whenever I come across them (although I miss Joanne Liebeler).

There’s something very different about this show, though.  Mike is a gruff, brash guy who can come off as pretty intimidating.  But you can tell by watching him that he loves what he does, and he demands excellence from both himself and his crew.  He never takes the easy way out and he never does the job half-way.  Everything that he does on the show proves that he takes a great deal of pride in the work that he does.  It’s inspiring to see someone care so much about the quality of their work.  Inspiring and increasingly rare.

Among craftsmen, there seems to be a theme of taking pride in your work.  My father, who now builds multi-million dollar buildings for a living does it.  My brother-in-law, a project manager for a large construction company does it.  My uncle, who also builds buildings and, in his spare time, is an excellent wood worker, takes pride in his work.  My grandfather, an architect, does it.  My great uncle the plastic surgeon took pride in his work.  Even the cleaning woman who comes to my apartment once a week cares deeply about her work and wants to make sure that she’s done the best she can do.   

This concept, however, seems to be slipping away outside of the skilled trades.  For those of us who work in an office, doing the same thing day in and day out, it’s hard to take pride in your work when there’s nothing tangible to show for it.  In my job, for instance, I have become a digital janitor.  Among my assigned responsibilities, I’ve been tasked with cleaning up incorrectly entered data.  I write my SQL queries, develop my processes, send out my weekly and monthly reports, but no matter what I do, tomorrow I’m going to walk into the office and there will be new messes for me to clean up.  I’m never "done."  I never have a product that I can look back on with pride and say, "I did that.  And I did it right."

In the absence of a tangible, visible result of your efforts, it’s extremely difficult to take pride in your work.  It’s hard to take a step back and say, "I’m proud of what I’ve contributed."  And that difficulty shows regularly in the modern workplace.  People try to get away with doing the absolute minimum possible.  They take as many sick days as they can.  Rather than doing any work and taking ownership of the problems, they delegate all responsibility. 

As I’ve watched Mike Holmes and his crew looking over a complete abortion of remodeling job, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer stupidity, laziness, incompetence, and fraudulence of the previous contractors, I see them survey the situation, evaluate their options, make a plan of action, roll up their sleeves, and get to work.  They don’t whine about how hard it is.  They don’t attempt to cover up the mistakes and polish a turd.  They make it right.

(I realize that this is a television show, and for all I know, they really could be doing a crappy job, but it’s the concept I’m going after here, so just go with me here.)

Our inability to take pride in our work shows, in my opinion, a greater shortcoming in our cultural aptitude overall.  As a culture, we are increasingly unable to stick with something when it gets hard.  How many people get divorced because one spouse or another just gave up instead of trying to make it work?  How many people start suing anyone with a wallet when something in their life goes wrong rather than pulling themselves up by the bootstraps and making it right?  How many people play the lottery hoping that they’ll hit it big instead of working hard and saving?  How many people wallow in situations that they can’t stand rather than getting to work to do something about it?

As a culture, I feel as though we’ve forgotten what it means to take pride in our work.  Back in the day, when you were the only carpenter or blacksmith or baker around, you lived with and relied on your customers, just as they lived with and relied on you.  If you did a crappy job, word got around, and you lost your livelihood.  Your value in the community dropped, and your ability to support yourself and your family suffered as a result.

Take, for example, the US auto industry.  This American Life recently chronicled an auto manufacturing plant in California called Nuumi. (This was one of the most engaging hours of radio to which I have ever listened.  I’d suggest you listen if you get a chance.)  The Nuumi plant was widely acknowledged as one of the worst plants in all of  GM’s manufacturing lines.  It was inefficient, mismanaged, and full of illegal activity.  Workers would drink on the job, have sex in the break rooms, and often, just not show up for work at all.  Many times, the management of the plant would go to the bar across the street to find enough (drunk) people to fill in just so they could keep the line operating. 

The number one rule of the factory was "never stop the line."  People got injured, you never stopped the line.  Engines got installed backward, you never stopped the line.  Workers would watch minor mistakes go by on the line, but you never stopped the line.  As a result, car after car would roll off the assembly line full of defects and mistakes.  Rather than fixing the mistakes on the line or developing ways to improve performances, the workforce simply settled into an operational rut and did the same brainless action over and over again.

Unsurprisingly, most of the cars that rolled off the line at the plant were full of defects.  Many of them were so screwed up, they’d have to be towed off the line and out into the holding lot for repairs.  Then, they would be taken apart and fixed…often by people who didn’t actually know how to fix the problems.  As a result, the quality of the cars put out at the plant was abysmal.  It was the direct result of people, from the person tightening the bolts on the wheels to the head of the plant not caring about the quality of the work that they did.  Thirty years later, we look at what once was the largest and most successful automobile company in the world, and they’re barely struggling to survive.  What a surprise.

In the modern world of cubicles and email, we are so divorced from our customers that it is almost as if we’ve forgotten how important it is to do our job and do it splendidly.  More importantly, we’ve forgotten how good it can feel when we do our job to the best of our ability.  Pride in your work, once part of your "benefits package" doesn’t count for anything anymore.  Our tasks have become so much less vital to our daily survival that the importance factor has ratcheted down significantly.  When you’re living in Washington state, and your customer is a 14 year old boy in Switzerland who wants to download the movie Booty Call in German, it’s hard to want to put in the extra effort to do it the right way the first time.  And when you live in a world where it becomes more important to report on what you’re doing than it is to actually do it, it’s hard even to find the time to do the job the right way.

As I’ve contemplated this pattern in our modern society, I’ve tried to watch those people who take pride in their work and determine how they’re doing it.  I’m not talking about the people who politic their way up the corporate ladder or play all the right games to get the big salary and the corner office.  I’m talking about the people who come into the office every day with, pardon the pun, workman-like regularity.  The ones who do their jobs every day, and who make sure that they’ve left their work world a little better off after they were done.

I know I do my work responsibility well.  But I’ve not really figured out how to do a better job of taking pride in the work that I do.  What I do isn’t world-changing.  I never get to interact with my customers and see how my actions affect them directly.  The nature of the work I do means that, even if I’ve fixed all the problems today, tomorrow when I go to work the same challenges and frustrations will exist.  I will never have some multi-million dollar building to point out as I’m driving along the freeway as being the direct result of my labors.  I can’t bring someone to my office to to show them what I do.  So I need to find other ways to take pride in my work.

I’m proud of the fact that, in six months, I’ve only missed 1/2 a day of work due to illness.  I take pride in the fact that, if someone asks me to do something, I do it, and on time.  I take pride in the fact that I show up to work on time, show up to my meetings on time, and get my job done.  I take pride in the fact that I continue to learn and expand my knowledge, and that I’ve found ways to apply that knowledge which will affect the way my team does its job long after I’m gone.  I take pride in the fact that I have a deep understanding of the way our systems work, and others call on me regularly to help explain functionality and test issues.

I may not be building a hospital, or bringing a family back into their home after months and years of construction nightmares. I may not have anything tangible to show for my work.  But I want to make sure that, no matter what I do, I want to make it right.

We didn’t really hang out much in school, but once we got to Tuacahn in the summer of 2003, we both worked in the box office, along with another small group of folks with whom we all became friends.  The five or six of us did a ton of stuff together over the summer, and nearly laughed ourselves sick.  It was, without question, the best part of working at Tuacahn…working in the box office with Kameron, Jennie, Tom, Amanda, and Mukluk.

Anyway, Mukluk came up to Washington for a specific reason which I’m not sure I’m at liberty to discuss in public in my blog yet, but while she was here, she stayed with me in my new apartment, and we had a blast.

Thursday night: Dinner at Gluttons ‘R’ Us Claim Jumper.  I ate approximately 3700 calories in a single meal.  (Not an exaggeration.) Introduced Mukluk to the joy that is Pushing Daisies

Friday night: Dinner at What the Pho, Yogurt at Red Mango, and Avatar in 3D (enjoyable once, but I have no desire to see it again…it was entertaining, but not great.  And if it wins the best picture Oscar, I’m going to fire bomb the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences so we can be done with the Academy Awards once and for all.)

Saturday: Breakfast at Top Pot Donuts.  Ferry Ride to Bainbridge Island. 

Went to the Zoo.  Ate one of the most disgusting and overpriced lunches I could possibly imagine from the food court at said zoo.  (Yuck.) 

Came home and took a nap.  Watched more Pushing Daisies.  Went to Pomegranate Bistro for dinner, and had one of the best restaurant meals I’ve ever had in my life.  Braised Short Ribs, Mashed Potatoes topped with fried onions, Pan sautéed sprout leaves (which were, shockingly, the most amazing part of the plate) and mango crème brulee with coconut twist cookies.  It. Was. SO. Good.  Came back and enjoyed the brilliance that is Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Sunday: Recover.

Mukluk, it was a blast to have you here.  I hope you can come back again soon. 

I used to watch a lot of television.  I used to really enjoy it.  But over the last year or so, many of the shows that I used to love watching ended their runs.  Others became so hackneyed and clunky that they quickly made their way off my TiVo season pass list.  My TV watching has been whittled down to 3-4 hours of TV a day to 3-4 shows a week: I watch The Simpsons when I eat or cook meals.  I watch Family Guy, The Biggest Loser, Good Eats, So You Think You Can Dance, and will watch Lost when it comes on in February.  And starting this fall, I began watching Glee.

For those who don’t watch Glee, I’m not going to try and explain the premise of the show to you.  If your television is EVER tuned to the Fox network, you have undoubtedly seen enough in the promos to get a fairly decent glimpse into the show.  It is certainly not everybody’s cup of tea.  I watch it every single week.  But here’s the thing:  I’m not really sure why I watch it every single week.  The show simultaneously delights and infuriates me.  

Wasted Potential.  There is nothing more frustrating to me as a patron of the popular video arts than seen a very promising concept almost-but-not-quite reach its potential.  And Glee just barely misses the mark pretty much every single time.  It drives me nuts. 

Despite having walked away from the performing arts, my heart is still much much among the musical theater nerds.  I was never in choir, but I went to a university that has one of the most well-travelled and well-known show choirs in the world.  They were an exclusive cult who never failed to engender both contempt and envy.  And, if you were close enough to the action, they were a bundle of trashy drama so intense it could have put Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of Orange County to shame.  Despite multiple auditions, I was never allowed into the club, which left me frustrated and bitter, but in retrospect, probably a lot better off.  So, when I get to see a show about a dysfunctional Glee Club, supposedly based in Lima, Ohio (the town where my parents grew up), and starring one of my all-time favorite actors, I have to be there.

Glee, in its best moments, shines mightily with energetic and snappy musical numbers, featuring a much wider variety of musical styles and eras than I expected.  There are moments of such sublime hilarity and potent emotional truth, and the show swings back and forth between them fairly easily.  Matthew Morrison, the teacher, is an extremely talented song and dance man from Broadway, and he pulls out everything he can from the scripts.  The superb Chris Colfer gives such an amazing performance that it’s worth re-watching each episode and just following him in the background.  That man never wastes an on-screen moment.  Amber Riley and Lea Michele are FIERCE singers.  They had Kristen Chenoweth as a guest star…something to which every television show should aspire.  And best of all, it features one Jane Lynch, quite possibly the funniest woman to work on television since Lucille Ball. 

But when the show isn’t hitting its high notes (*groan*), it’s wallowing in the mud.  For about 70% the show, it begins to feel like what it really is: the result of a corporate boardroom meeting where someone said, "Hey.  High School Musical was really big.  Let’s see if we can’t make something like that and we’ll put it on opposite American Idol, because they’re, like, totally the same audience."  And the writers, who never developed the skills of writing truly funny comedy for television because they were all out of work thanks to "reality TV", just grabbed as many stereotypes as they could muster, threw them into a blender, and turned it on high.  The result is a cadre of unrealistic, one-dimensional, and COMPLETELY unbelievable characters stuck in ludicrous situations and reacting in thoroughly incomprehensible ways.

Some Examples:

• The Head Cheerleader (Bitchy Blonde) gets pregnant and convinces her boyfriend, the Star Quarterback (Dumb Jock) that he’s the father, even though they’ve never had sex.  How does this happen?  They were in a hottub together, and he had a premature ejaculation.  And she got pregnant from that.
• The Head Cheerleader (Bitchy Blonde) actually got pregnant cheating on her boyfriend with another Football Player (Sex-addicted Bully).  He’s upset because he knows he’s the baby daddy, and wants to support his child, despite the fact that he regularly sleeps with women old enough to be his mother.  If Glee were to be believed, high school jocks could be having sex with a different woman every night of the week.
• The Guidance Counselor (Pretty Obsessive Compulsive) has a crush on The Teacher (Clueless Nice Guy) but instead decides to marry The Coach (Gruff Jerk with Small Shorts), who completely repulses her, just because she doesn’t want to die alone.  The Coach agrees to marry her even though she won’t touch him, doesn’t want to be seen in public with him, they have nothing in common, and it’s obvious that she’s in love with The Teacher.
• The Teacher (Clueless Nice Guy) doesn’t realize that the child his Wife (Spoiled Princess Former Cheerleader) is carrying is actually just a ploy to keep their crumbling marriage together.  Despite being six months pregnant, he has no idea that his wife is actually wearing padding under her shirt.  And best of all, Wife is planning on adopting The Head Cheerleader’s baby and passing it off as her own, as though she had given birth to it without her husband ever knowing.

It’s like they were playing Hollywood Mad Libs.

This show perpetuates every single bad stereotype it can find, and does so with ferocity.  As a result, all of the characters become cardboard cutouts, and not real characters.  With very few exceptions, none of the characters ever get to step into the third dimension.  It’s a shame really.  It’s okay to start someone off as a stereotype, but if you don’t ever let them blossom beyond that, then what reason do you have to care about what happens to them?  Take Phoebe from friends: she was a major stereotype–a dippy, ditzy earth child.  It could have been so easy to let her be nothing more.  But she ended up being one of the most lovable characters on TV in the 90s because she was so much more than that. 

There are myriad other problems with the show as well:

• Uneven style – Sometimes the characters narrate their thoughts.  Sometimes they don’t.  Be consistent.  If three episodes go by without any Wonder Years narration, and then one character does it for 30 seconds in the middle of an episode, it just stands out like a sore thumb.
• Unsatisfying story arcs – Coming from someone who actually likes happily ever afters, this show just mangles the stories of the characters.  Each episode has fifteen different subplots going on simultaneously, and we never get to delve deeply enough to care about any of them.  And at the end of every episode, there’s this giant leap from "mess" to "neat little package" as if the writers went, "Crap.  We’re almost out of pages, and everything’s got to be wrapped up.  I know!  We’ll just throw in a musical montage!"
• Too Many Stories – With such a large ensemble cast, it’s not possible for us to care about every single person all the time.  Focus!
• Characters have no redeeming values – With very few exceptions, most of the characters are grating, mean, bitchy, frosty, stupid, or ugly.  Show us the GOOD!
• Flagrant abuse of auto-tune – The audio engineers for Glee appear to have attended the T-Pain school of pitch and noise management.  They have auto-tuned the HELL out of these vocals.  Even the few singers in the cast with amazing voices (Rachel, Will, Mercedes, Kurt, Artie) are auto-tuned so heavily you can actually hear the glitching.  And if the good singer’s recordings are glitchy, imagine how heavily they auto-tuned the ones who can’t actually sing. (Emma, Puck, Quinn, Finn).  If you’re going to put on a show about kids who can sing, how about you cast some kids who can sing.  If you want to be true to life, how about letting some of the kids really stink?  (At least in my high school, pretty much everyone in the choir was terrible.)  Don’t cast people who can’t sing, and then auto-tune them so much they sound like ShowChoir by AppleTalk.™
• Stupid Men – There are few habits of television writers that drive me more bonkers than the portrayal of men as stupid, clueless oafs.  Is someone REALLY going to believe that his wife has been pregnant for six months and not realize that it’s a fake?  Is the high school quarterback really going to believe that he got his girlfriend pregnant by having a premature ejaculation in a hot tub?   There are some stupid men out there, but there are also some really smart, observant ones.  Stop making us all look like morons, please.

I wouldn’t get so up in arms about the quality of the show if I didn’t want it to be so much better than it is.  I like the idea of this show.  I like most of the musical numbers (despite the fact that nobody in the cast actually knows how to dance at all.)  I like the potential it has.  I wouldn’t have written such a butt-long blog post if I didn’t.

I’ve watched the first half of the first season religiously, even though I’m not really sure why.  I enjoy it and I don’t.  I’ll probably continue to watch it.  But I’m not sure I can give it to many more chances.  So please, Glee, please stop auto-tuning your singers to death, treating your characters like cardboard cutouts, and trying to wrap up 15 stories in a single episode. 

And until then, I’ll just make myself happy by watching these:

I love YouTube.  It’s actually a bit dangerous for me.  I’m not the kind of person who likes to watch TV on his computer.  You’ll never see me stream the latest episode of Lost from ABC.com unless my Cable went out, Tivo failed to record it, and Xbox fails to publish it.  But short little clips?  Oh yeah, I’m all over it.  Especially bloopers.  I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the Friends and Will and Grace bloopers on YouTube.

Tonight, I was doing something that I do often on YouTube late at night: I was trolling for old television shows that make me nostalgic.  I’m 31 years old now, ergo, I believe I am officially old enough to begin reminiscing.  And in said reminiscence, I came to a realization.  The TV shows in the 80s and early 90s had GREAT theme songs.  They were catchy, they were memorable.  They stood very well on their own as musical compositions.  What happened to those?  TV shows today don’t have singable theme songs.  Instead we get Bones’ random noise as "composed" by Crystal Method, the teeth-grindingly annoying So You Think You Can Dance grind-fest, and the omnipresent Law and Order Bass Guitarfest.  The only modern theme song that I would consider even remotely singable is the one for The Biggest Loser, but the woman singing that song has her voice so stuck in her throat it makes my gonads hurt to listen to her.

So, in order to help you both reminisce about some older television shows, to demonstrate the value of the cultural vault called YouTube, and to help prove my point about television theme songs, let me offer up some of my favorites:

First, from the TV Show Blossom

Great theme song…even though I desperately wanted to slap Blossom every single time I saw that scene of her tap-dancing on the grand piano.  If I ever catch someone tap dancing on a shiny black grand piano in real life, I will personally break each and every one of his or her toes.

Then there’s perhaps one of the greatest theme songs of all time: Perfect Strangers

 Don’t be ree-deek-you-lus!  Makes me miss Meepos all over again. 

And, of course, let’s not forget the Disney Cartoons…

The Secret of Gummi Beary Juice?  *ahem* Anyway, the harmony on the chorus of this theme song was where I first learned how to sing in harmony.  I just love the higher harmony soaring over the chorus

 And, of course, who can forget about The Facts of Life

Did anyone else notice that Jo looks like Jillian from The Biggest Loser?

And even the rap song theme songs were "chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool"

Ugh.  Thank goodness Will Smith moved past the flat-top hair phase.  Also, thank heavens that the neon color scheme of the early 90s is dead.  Hypercolor Lime Green T-Shirts were not a good luck for anyone…not least of which a Casper-The-Ghost pale red head with an inferiority complex. Also, this theme song version seems longer than the one I remember from when I watched the show.

 And last, but certainly not least, the best TV Theme Song ever written: The Greatest American Hero

 This show was before my time, certainly, but this song just makes me unbelievably happy every single time I hear it. It even makes me happy to hear the George Costanza version from Seinfeld. 

I miss good TV theme songs.  I miss that feeling of running into the room when the strains of the theme song start playing, and settling down on the couch to watch my show. 

Ah well.  At least I have a Tivo now, so I don’t have to listen to the crap that masquerades as a theme song.  (P.S., can’t you just imagine me in 50 years as a crotchety old man:  "In my day, we had theme songs with melody.  Not like this crap on TV nowadays!")

But there’s a trend going around in commercials at the moment that I just don’t understand.  Why, in the name of all that’s good and holy, would you actively go out of your way to annoy the hell out of your potential customers by making commercials so shrill, annoying, repetitive, and stupid as the ones below?  Really?  Really!?  With all of the brilliantly creative, talented, funny people out there, the best way that you can advertise your wares is with these horrendous abortions of advertising so atrocious that they could be used as a means of interrogating prisoners in Guantanamo?  Waterboarding my fanny.  Just play “Mini Sirloin Burgers” on a never-ending loop, and you’ll have Bin Laden in captivity within an hour.

There are three commercials which are currently airing in this new genre of ads.  The instant I hear the first few strains of the commercials I actually turn off my TV entirely.  I hate these commercials so much that they are actually causing me to stop turn off my TV in disgust and find something else to do. Networks are LOSING viewers because they’re allowing their advertisers to run such aurally offensive claptrap.  If you haven’t had the epic misfortunate of seeing these commercials, I’ve provided clips of them below.  I would advise, however, against watching or listening to them before you go to bed, or you’ll be up all night with the "music” stuck in your head…or at least I was.  I can’t even type the phrase of the jingle without getting the song stuck in my head, and I’ve got a busy day at work tomorrow.

There was one other commercials that I wanted to include, but couldn’t find.  That’s the Fiber One cereal commercial where the Indian guy keeps interrupting the woman in the aisle holding the box of the cereal.  You know that people hate being interrupted, right?  That’s generally considered exceptionally annoying, not to mention really bad manners.  If someone started doing that me in the grocery store, I’d punch him in the face.  Even considering that I’m a big wuss and very non-confrontational.  I’d still totally do it.  Right in the face.  And if there wasn’t blood, I’d keep doing it until there was.  Lots and lots of blood.  Interrupt me every time I tried to open my mouth to speak.  AND THAT’S THE WAY YOU WANT TO TELL ME YOU’VE GOT A WORTHWHILE PRODUCT?  Now look what you made me do?  Do you think I like hitting Indian people?  Huh?  Do You?  But you were just asking for it.

What’s wrong with you people?  Honestly. 

In my opinion, the commercial that really started this trend of mind-killing annoyance was the Quizno’s Sponge Monkeys commercials that started airing back in 2003.  I actually remember when they aired, because Shawn Perucca and Dustin Pierce used to run around the backstage area of Hell The Black Bear Jamboree in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee screaming “They’ve got a Pepper Bar” every 30 seconds.  No wonder I’m not friends with them anymore.  Yeesh.

So, advertisers of America, here’s the deal.  All three of the above commercials are advertising establishments and/or products that I actually like.  In fact, I’ve been to/purchased all three at least once in the last month.  HOWEVER, as long as these commercials continue to play on the air, you will no longer have my business.  I did this same thing with Quiznos when they were airing their terrible commercials.  I’m not even going to type the names of the other offending companies, because I don’t want them to get any possible Google benefit from these 30-seconds auditory diatribes.  I’m not going to let you assault my in my own home, and then pay you my hard-earned money for doing so.  You get NONE of my money until the torture stops. 

So, please, hurry up and kill off these commercials.  I want me a Spicy Chicken Sandwich and some Churros.

Mmmm.  Churros.

I was two years old when Walter Cronkite stepped down from his role as anchor for the CBS Evening News.  I don’t remember ever having watched any of his news specials or special reports as I was growing up.  But somehow, despite the fact that I don’t have a specific memory of watching him on television, I feel as though I know Walter Cronkite well.  (He did do the voiceover narrations on the soundtrack recording of the Broadway Revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, but that’s not it.)

I just got finished watching Discovery Channel’s rebroadcast of Walter Cronkite Remembers, an eight-part series of Cronkite recalling his career and the multitude of world events that he was there to witness.  It was an absolutely fascinating bit of television.  Besides being a completely engaging history lesson through some of humanity’s most turbulent and exciting times, Cronkite brought a humanity and a personal insight to the history of that time period that I have never seen anywhere else.  It was like listening to your grandfather tell stories from his life, only your grandpa is exceptionally intelligent, cogent, and has a truly amazing voice.

It’s always enthralling and exciting to watch someone who is at the top of their craft do what they have trained to do.  Watching Walter Cronkite read the news, talk to the audience, and relate his stories was akin to watching Pavarotti sing, Michael Phelps swim, or Mario Batali cook.  There was nobody better than Cronkite.  Even well after his retirement, he was the master of television.  His approach to the news was even-handed, suave, and above all, professional.  He would never have lowered himself to the debauchery of modern evening news, or, even worse, jokes of news outlets like Fox News.

The other thing that really struck me when watching this recap of history through the eyes of one news journalist was this: as much as we have progressed as a people, we are still the same.  I watched Cronkite recount story after story that could have just as easily belonged on the evening news within the last year: terrorism, war, dependence on foreign oil, poverty in America, the inadequacy of the American school system, crime, environmental catastrophes, natural disasters.  Cronkite mentioned that the last century has seen the development of six major eras simultaneously—any of which could have stood on its own as an age of man.  Despite this, however, we still have the same concerns, the same struggles, and the same battles to fight. 

It was fascinating to watch Cronkite interview Anwar Al-Sadat, the former president of Egypt, and hear Sadat say that he hoped for peace in the middle east.  Or to watch the lines at the pumps following the 1973 oil embargos and hear the talking heads complain about America’s dependence on foreign oil, and a 400% increase of gas prices causing a swift worldwide recession.

So, Walter, rest in peace.  Even after your death, you’re still enlightening and enriching people.