In the world of customer demographics, I am, for the most part, a marketer’s dream come true. I’m a single, middle-class male, age 25-40, with disposable income (theoretically), and a love of the newest and greatest products. I have a significant online social presence and talk about the things I like a lot.  I am fiercely loyal to the brands that I feel take care of me. I’m not a crazy bargain hunter, I don’t try to squeeze the most out of every transaction I can, and I treat those who wait on me with respect. In short, I am the kind of customer that almost every single company wants to have.

There’s an old marketing adage that states, “It is always easier and cheaper to keep an existing customer than it is to gain a new one.” This is especially true in the world ruled by social media, because capturing the attention of a customer from amidst the incessant clamor of online reviews, targeted advertising, group deals sites, etc., is a daunting process.  Moreover, when you do something well, your success is trumpeted across the interwebs for people to see.  If you screw up, your story also gets spread all over creation. Simply type either “good customer service” or “bad customer service” into Google, and see what shows up.

This blog post offers examples of both good and bad service that I experienced over the last few months.  It shows how one company really screwed the pooch when it came to customer service, and how another did it right. My little blog forum may not be the most trafficked spot on the web, but I want to reward the company that did well, and do a little public shaming of the company that did not.

*****

On September 20, 2011, the Samsung Epic Touch 4G was released on Sprint.  This was to be the latest and greatest Android phone released for the holiday season.  It was a top-of-the-line product.  My phone at the time, the original Motorola Droid on Verizon, had fallen out of contract, and was in pretty rough shape.  I needed to replace it.  I had been with Verizon for several years, and had liked my experience.  Their customer service had always been good.  But, they didn’t have any great phones, and they had just gotten rid of their unlimited data plans, so I decided I would switch over to Sprint.

My experience with Sprint was not a smooth one.  I was told by the sales rep that I was eligible for a 20% discount on the monthly plan when I went to go in and look at the phone on the day of its release. However, when I went back the next day to actually purchase the phone, I was put onto the full-priced plan. After I got my first bill, I went back to the store to complain, and I was told that I did not, in fact, qualify for the discounted plan, but the sales person who had set up my account hadn’t bothered to tell me that.  I was a little put out, but I didn’t make a big deal of it.  After all, it was something meager–$10 a month.  Not a big deal.

Other than that little snafu, however, I loved the phone.  It was fast, the screen was beautiful, it was lightweight, and it did everything I needed it to.  I had a little issue with the GPS, and the camera certainly wasn’t best-in-class, but I’m used to products not doing everything perfectly.  (Like my old iPhone not making calls…) I talked about my phone to anyone who would listen, and as a direct result of that word of mouth discussion, two of my co-workers actually bought the exact same phone.  Moreover, both of them switched providers in order to do so. If there was any justice in the world, Sprint should have been paying me commission on their accounts.

Only a few days after the phone’s 5-month birthday, I unplugged the phone after charging overnight, and it began to flip out. It kept acting as though I was plugging in the USB cable and trying to connect it to my computer, even though it wasn’t plugged in.  I couldn’t even power down the phone without removing the battery. As soon as I replaced the battery, the phone would resume it’s freak-out activities.  I took it to the Sprint Store.  The tech cleaned it, replaced the battery, and sent me on my way.  I took it home and plugged it back in to charge.  A few hours later, when I unplugged it again, the phone began to behave in the same way, so I returned to the store once again.

I will continue the story by quoting a letter I wrote to Sprint’s customer support department, italicized for emphasis:

When I arrived at the store and they evaluated my phone, I was told that my phone had corrosion on the charging port and motherboard and that, “the only way this kind of corrosion can happen is if the phone had come into contact with water.” I explained that the phone had never been in contact with water. In fact, in the 15 years I’ve owned cell phones, none have ever been water damaged. The representative said that, perhaps it was due to high humidity…and I pointed out that we lived in Seattle, where it rains constantly. The rep even admitted that when they had taken the phone apart, there hadn’t been any sign of water damage, just the corrosion. Even the water sensor spot hadn’t been triggered. Even my charging cables were free of the corrosion. It was just the micro USB port.

Eventually, the representative explained that only option open to me was to buy a new phone…that my phone couldn’t even be shipped somewhere for repair at my expense because the damage was so severe. She even suggested that I sell it on eBay without disclosing the problem, which I found to be more than a little loathsome. I had purchased the phone five months earlier–it should have been under the hardware warrantee. There is no way for me to prove that the phone had not been water damaged. (You can’t prove a negative.) In researching online, this appears to be a known issue with the Epic Touch 4G. See http://androidforums.com/samsung-epic-4g-touch/503449-phone-thinks-its-plugged-when-its-not.html and http://forums.androidcentral.com/sprint-galaxy-s-ii-epic-4g-touch/152858-corrosion-charging-port.html.

I ended up purchasing a brand new version of the same phone out of necessity, but I was quite upset by the entire experience. I had previously been a Sprint customer in 2003-2004. I had such a bad experience with customer service at that time, that I cancelled my account and refused to pay the early termination fee because I had been blatantly lied to by a customer service rep—a lie which ended up costing me nearly $400. It took until 2011 for me to come back to the company, and I did it specifically for this phone. If the Galaxy S II had been on Verizon, I would have stayed with them. To have another poor experience within mere months of switching providers does not bide well for my long-term relationship with Sprint…

I find it unfortunate that responsible adults are being treated as though they are guilty until proven innocent. My phone wasn’t water damaged. Aside from one small scratch on the upper-right hand corner of the screen, it was still in perfect shape. (In fact, the repair tech actually scratched the screen trying to open the phone.) I simply wish to be treated like a valued customer and not as a devious charlatan trying to get someone else to pay for my mistakes. If I had gotten the phone wet, I wouldn’t have even bothered asking to have it repaired. I simply would have bought a new one. But this was a design flaw or hardware flaw with the device. This could not have been caused by my actions, and I feel as though it would have been only appropriate for Sprint to have taken responsibility for the shortcoming in this particular phone.

That’s right. I was not only forced to spend $500 on a brand new phone to replace one less than six months old that had a factory defect, but I was actually encouraged by the saleswoman at Sprint to sell my old phone on eBay without telling anyone about the problem.  (She must have gotten her training from the Bank of America School of Customer Service.)  I walked out of Sprint with my new phone, and a very bad taste in my mouth. When my contract is up in 18 months, I will be leaving Sprint again, and this time, for good.  As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”  After my initial horrible experience with a lying Sprint Customer Service Rep, I should have known better never to go back. Now I do.

For the record, I sent the letter (actually printed, signed, stamped, and mailed) to Sprint Customer Service over two weeks ago, and have yet to hear back from them. It is my hope that they will take responsibility both for the defective device and the devious nature of their sales people, and do something to make this situation better.  I’m honestly not holding my breath, but if they do, then that will go a long way toward keeping me as a customer when my contract is up. It sure seems like it would be cheaper to do that than to spend tens of millions of dollars producing and airing expensive commercials starring Sprint CEO Dan Hess. It is, after all, easier to keep your existing customers than find new ones.

*****

On the opposite end of the spectrum from my experience with Sprint was my experience with a small company called Waterfi.

Back in June, I started swimming again for exercise.  I love to swim, but I’ve always had a difficult time with keeping myself entertained while swimming.  Swimming laps can be boring, so I purchased an awesome device from Waterfi, an iPod Shuffle that had been taken apart, waterproofed, and put back together. I could clip the ipod on my goggle strap, put in some waterproof headphones, and listen to audiobooks or podcasts while I swam. It was awesome. I even glowed about the product on my blog here: http://www.mattarmstrong.net/wordpress/2011/07/21/i-want-to-pumpme-up/.

When I ordered the iPod, I ordered an entire package which included the device, headphones, and some velcro straps for cable management.  The package arrived, but only contained the device, and was missing everything else. So, I emailed the company, and within minutes, I received a response with an apology, and a promise that they would overnight the remainder of the items in my order.  Excellent service.

The warrantee on this device is only 30 days, which is understandable. Taking an electronic device underwater can be a little risky. They figure that if something going to go wrong, it will happen pretty early on.  I used the iPod for months and months without a single problem.  Again, much like with my phone, I glowed about this product to anyone who would listen. As a direct result of my word of mouth, I know three people who have purchased the device, and two more that have it on their wishlist.

In December, I had my iPod clipped to the pocket of my jeans at work.  I stood up and started to walk about of my office, but as I passed through the door, I lost my balance, and ran into the door jamb.  My iPod got caught on the jamb, and the device got “guillotined.” The clip on the back (which makes up the back panel of the device) got bent, and the waterproofing was ruined instantly.  I was not pleased. 

Knowing that this was entirely my fault, and that the device was out of warrantee, I contacted Waterfi to ask about the cost of repair, if repair was even possible.  If not, I was planning on purchasing a brand new iPod. I liked the product, and I was willing to take responsibility for my own clumsiness.  Again, I got a response in mere minutes.  “Sure,” said the reply, “Send it in. The repair will be less than $20, if there’s any cost at all.”  Encouraged, I threw my device into a padded envelope, and sent it off.

A couple of weeks later, I had a package from Waterfi in my mailbox.  “Huh,” I thought. “They must not have needed to charge my anything for the repair.”  When I opened the envelope, however, I was flabbergasted. They hadn’t repaired my device, they had replaced it with a new one.

Now, let me do a compare and contrast here.

  Sprint Water-fi
Problem Device Manufacturing Flaw Clumsy Oaf
Caused by Samsung Me
Cost to Fix Wouldn’t Even Attempt $20 Max
Company Response Tough Titties. It’s your problem now. Why don’t you try to sell it on eBay? Here, let us give you a new one—it’s just easier than trying to fix the old one.
Cost to me $529 Postage to ship a padded envelope
Benefit to Company Lost a customer. This time for good. A ton of word of mouth, customer loyalty, and I know what to get people for upcoming birthdays…

 

I know I’m not alone.  Everyone has both good and bad customer service experiences. And, having been burned by Sprint before, I should not have been surprised that it happened again five months into my new contract.  (I should never have switched in the first place.) Sprint, you should know better. You should expect better.  As the smallest of the “major” cell carriers in the US, you should be doing everything in your power to gain and keep customers.  You can’t afford to provide such terrible service. Up until this fall, your devices have been woefully behind those of your competitors. You finally got the iPhone, years after everyone else, and a good Android phone, and then you pull this stunt. It’s pretty astonishing when I can honestly say that I had better customer service from AT&T…and they’re terrible.

And to any other companies out there who may stumble across my little blog rant: learn the lesson. I’m a reasonable customer. I don’t make a lot of demands, or expect a lot for nothing. I just want to be treated with respect. I want you to own up to the mistakes made in your manufacturing chain, or your customer service personnel. If they make a mistake, it’s your job as a business, to take responsibility for that. Even when it’s not your responsibility, sometime a little extra effort engenders an insane amount of goodwill.  Going out of your way just a little bit for a customer can win you that customer’s heart for life. If you don’t, you will lose customers, and they may never come back again.  I’m not saying the customer is always right. But you shouldn’t assume that they’re wrong.

 

So, unless you’ve been living under a rock, or are afraid of technology like my Mom (Hi, Mom!), you probably noticed that Facebook has been monkeying around with its design quite a bit these days.  As is usually the case, Facebook users around the world flew off the handle, and went berserk. 

This image used without permission from The Oatmeal. Which is why I’m linking to them repeatedly.  Go here.  And please don’t sue me.

I work in the web software and services field, and we often have to do redesigns of our software to improve functionality and appearance.  And much like with Facebook, every time we make a change, somebody is upset by it.  They liked it the way it was.  And usually, I’m of the opinion that look, technology is change.  If websites don’t change and update, they will eventually become irrelevant.  And for a market leader like Facebook, it’s even more important that they continue to change and innovate, or other websites will come in and take over.

So usually, I don’t begrudge Facebook wanting to change and update their service.  I really don’t.  Innovate, build, evolve.  It’s your world, and you can do whatever you’d like.  And as a long-time technologist, I’m extremely flexible.  I can adjust to new layouts, functionality, options, etc., without much effort on my part. (For an interesting retrospective on Facebook designs from 2005 to 2009, check out this blog post.)

The redesign rolled out at the beginning of this week, as well as the announcement of what the new Facebook layout will look like was something else, however.  In one fell swoop, Facebook went from being a fairly passive, static website experience to becoming the web equivalent of a CNBC Screen during market close.

There’s so much going on at once, so many places to look, so much movement.  In addition to fighting itself for attention, Facebook has decided to take away my ability to determine what it is I would like to see in my “feed.”  It’s moving certain stories into a special area to highlight them.  It’s got a constantly updating ticker of every single thing that my “friends” are doing every second of the day.  It’s got a list of friends who are popping online, offline, and into chat.  It’s got advertisements that are often irrelevant (or offensive).  It’s suggesting that I subscribe to people I’ve never heard of.  And navigating the labyrinth of privacy settings, display options, and other configuration variables has become next to impossible without a GPS, a translator, and a couple of Sherpa with mules.

It has become too much for me.  Maybe I’m just getting too old.  Maybe I’m behind the times.  Or maybe I’m just really tired of being unable to focus my attention on any one thing in my life for more than 30 seconds at a time.  It used to be that I would get into a zone, put my head down, and make huge strides toward completing a project.  These days it seems like I can’t focus on a single topic for more than a few minutes before I get distracted by something else.  This new Facebook design seems to require that I sit there in front of my computer for hours and hours on end, watching every little thing that every person I have ever known does during the course of their day and reacting with them.

But I’ve realized something…I know so much about what’s going on in most of my friends’ lives now that when I get together with them or talk to them on the telephone (you know, that thing you use to send text messages…it’s actually capable of voice communication too), I don’t have anything to talk about.  They know what I’m doing, I know what they’re doing.  There’s no joy in discovering what’s new. This redesign reminded me that I really don’t care all that much about 98% of the people that I am friends with, and certainly not to the point that I need to see what photos they are commenting on, or whose comment on someone else’s post they “liked.”  I’m overloaded with information in general. Now, thanks to the new redesign, I’m also getting overloaded with information about people whose lives just aren’t that interesting to begin with.

Then there’s the privacy thing.  Look, I’m not naïve enough to think that online privacy is actually a “thing” anymore.  I know it’s not.  And even if it were, it’s not like I have much need for it, since I spill most of my deep, dark secrets in great detail and many words on this very blog.  But the casual disdain with which Facebook treats my data is shocking.  It seems like twice a week, they make some change to the way they handle my personal data (making sure that I’m opted-in by default, whether or not I want to be), and then forgetting to close some security hole that lets the friend of a friend of a friend find my home phone number even though I’ve set it as being visible to only my family.

Watching all of this go on for years and years now, I’m beginning to wonder why I’m still taking part.  I don’t enjoy the time I spend on Facebook. Yet I’m going back several times a day, every single day.  I don’t want to know every little thing that goes on in the lives of people I barely know.  I don’t want them to know how to get ahold of me on a moment’s notice.

So, this week, I’ve decided that I’m leaving Facebook.  I don’t like what it has become and what it is becoming.  I don’t like using it.  I don’t trust them.  Regardless of what you think, Facebook isn’t free.  You’re paying to use Facebook…just not with money.  And for me, the cost isn’t worth the benefit anymore.  I already live my digital life within the Google ecosystem.  They have just as much (if not more) personal data on me than Facebook ever will, but I get so much more out of it.  I use Google search, Gmail, Google Voice, Google Music, Google Docs, Google Shopping, Google Reader, Android, The Android Marketplace, Google+, Picasa, Picasaweb, Google Contacts, Google Calendar, Google Maps, Google Finance, Google Earth, and probably a bunch of other products I don’t even realize.  If I’m going to sell my personal identify and online privacy, I’m at least going to do it for a good price.  And Facebook can’t meet the reserve.

I’m leaving my Facebook account open, with only the barest of personal information available.  And my blog will still post links to my new blog posts in the status update field automatically.  But I’m done with Facebook otherwise.  I’m tired of living in a world where I’m drowning in the minutae of other people’s lives.  I’m tired of inhabiting a universe where every millisecond of my attention is being vied for by tickers, and blinking lights, and scrolling feeds.  I’m tired of a computer algorithm telling me what I’m most interested in.  And I’m tired of trying to negotiate “friendships” with the woman who sat next to my mom in church one Sunday 15 years ago, and decided that, because she knows my name, we’re now BFFs. 

Life is short, and Facebook is stealing too much of it away from me.  So I’m leaving.  And this time, it will probably be for the long haul.  I won’t say never, but I just don’t see the benefit anymore.

I will still be on Google+ (which is a much better “social” network experience), and available via email at matt (at) mattarmstrongmusic dot com.  And of course, I’ll still be here on the blog, spilling my guts to the anonymous world.  I mean, it’s cheaper than therapy, right?

 

One of my favorite songs is a song written by the inestimable Alan Menken, and with Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz that originally appeared in the movie “Life with Mikey.”

Where did summer go?
How’d I miss the change of seasons?
All at once the wind blows rough.
It’s cold enough to snow.
In the street below
People laugh, they got no reason
Don’t they know
It’s cold enough to snow.

And while this song is actually about how miserable the singer is that his or her love has gone away that it simply feels cold enough to snow, the lyrics above fairly accurately depict how I feel about the current state of the weather.  If I liked to exaggerate and be melodramatic.  Which I do.

I woke up a week ago, went outside, and said out loud to Luke the Dog™, “It feels like Halloween.”  Just the day before it had been in the upper 70s and sunny.  The next morning, it just all felt different.  Like, I suppose Halloween.  I don’t know if it was the quality of the light, the fact that it dropped 25 degrees, it was cloudy again, or that yesterday when I had awakened at this time, it was light, and today it was still dark outside.  But it’s like summer ended in one fell swoop and it was instantly fall.

Now, I normally like autumn (although, as I’ve mentioned, I do rather loathe Halloween), but for the last two years, the summers up here in Seattle have been just this side of miserable.  The first two summers I spent up here were beautiful, dry, and LONG.  The last two years, they didn’t start until late July and were over by early September.  What used to be a 5 month-long summer has, for the last two years been a 2 month-long summer.  I’m just not ready to go back into another 10 months of cloudiness and incessant drizzle.  I hope we get another little blast of Indian summer coming up here soon.

Despite all that, I’m starting to get into the autumnal mood:  rather like preparing to hibernate.  I’m starting to get into a “projecty” mood, focusing on things like writing a book, recording audiobooks, working on websites, working on that album project I started, like, five years ago.  You know, the kind of thing you’d be stupid to spend your time indoors doing during the summer.  I’ve also been “putting up” the last few remnants of my garden in preparation for closing it down for the winter.  I made a huge batch of tomato sauce last night, and I’ll probably make another batch or two in the next week or so.  I also cut the corn off the cobs and froze it.  I’ve got to do something with all of the Anaheim, Poblano, and Jalapeno peppers that I got this year.  I’m thinking about making a green chile sauce that I can use on Green Chile Cheeseburgers and with slow-roasted pork and beef for tacos.

I’m also going to purchase a half-cord of firewood tomorrow.  I have a wood-burning fireplace in my apartment, and dangit, I’m going to use it.  Last year I spent $5 for those little plastic-wrapped bundles of firewood from the grocery story.  That, and those stupid engineered fire logs.  That is not going to happen again this year.  So, if any of my Seattle-area friends want to come over for some hot chocolate, a fire, and a good movie (Lord of the Rings is particularly enjoyable with a roaring fire in the grate), or perhaps a bit of S’mores making, then casa de Matt y Luke the Dog™ will be the place to be.

In other news, I am about to buy a new cell phone.  If you know me, this shouldn’t seem like such a big deal.  I buy a new cell phone about every 10 months.  But this time, It’s a HUGE deal.  This is the first time since I owned a cell phone when I was actually eligible for an upgrade without paying the early termination fee.  I have owned this phone for two years and over three months.  It’s astonishing.  But it’s time.  My phone’s headphone jack doesn’t work, so I can’t use it to listen to audiobooks/podcasts/music.  It doesn’t get good reception, so I can’t use it to make phone calls. It’s slower than Michelle Bachman trying to speak coherently, so I can’t use it to run apps. It can’t connect to my wi-fi, so I can’t use it to surf the net.  So, really, I have a portable alarm clock.  So, I’m finally getting a new phone.  And I’ve waited so long, I’m actually giddy about it.  And more than a little proud of myself.  I actually exercised a bit of self-restraint when it came to the purchase of technology.  Also, can we just say how far we have come in cell phones.  Below is my cell phone history:

images

 

There was one other one in there, but I couldn’t find a picture of it.  *Sigh*. 

Alas, the new phone will be hawt.  To wit:

 

For the tech nerds:

  • 1.2 gHz dual-core processor
  • 1 G Ram
  • 32 Gigs Storage (16 built in + 16 in MicroSD card)
  • 8MP Camera on the back (can to up to 1080p video)
  • 2MP front-facing camera for video calls
  • Android 2.3.4
  • 4G

It’s been very hard for me to not go out and buy a phone for so long, so I’ve decided that since I’ve done such a good job, I’m going to make a little celebration of it.  I’m going into work late tomorrow, because I’m going to go to the store and buy my phone as soon as it opens.  ‘Cuz that’s how I roll.

And also, ‘cuz I wanna.

So, yes, perhaps summer is over.  But the coming of fall does happen to coincide with Bonus season!

 

The other day, I was going down several flights of stairs.  Despite my extra bulk, I am still fairly light-footed (or light in the loafers, depending on your point of view) and I was flying down the stairs at a fairly decent clip.  About halfway down the stairs, I noticed something:  My manboobs were bouncing up and down. (And don’t worry…I just added the word manboobs to my computer’s dictionary)

Well, I have two word to say to that: Not. Okay.

I’ve given up my delusions of ever looking like an Abercombie and Fitch model.  I don’t even need to look like Chris Evans post-transformation in the trailers for Captain America.  (Seriously?  How is that man even possible?)  But I am just not okay with bouncy manboobs.  Or plumber crack, which is another malady with which I have been struck recently.  I tell you what: between my saggy manboobs and my plumber crack, I’m looking all kinds of sexy these days. 

And I FLAT OUT refuse to buy bigger jeans.  I’m just NOT going to do it. I will walk around naked from the waist down before I go up ANOTHER jean size.  In fact, I’ve decided I’m not going to buy any more clothes at all until I can get my weight back down to around 180-185. 

So yesterday, I finally buckled.  I broke down and renewed my membership to the YMCA gym here in Bellevue.  It’s actually a very nice facility, and unlike most of the commercial gyms, I can go to the gym without getting an inferiority complex.  Because most of the people who go there are older and fatter than me!  Huzzah! (In case you were wondering, yes, I really am that petty in real life)

One of my all-time favorite Simpson lines: “Gym? What’s a Gym? Oh. A Gym.”

The main reason why I chose to go to the YMCA, though, is because of their pool.  Of all of the forms of exercise, I loathe swimming the least.  I used to swim competitively in Jr. High and my freshman year of High School before I discovered theater, and ruined my life forever chose that over athletics.  In all honesty, though, it was probably for the best.  Suppressed gay feeling + uncontrollable hormones + swim team = potential public humiliation and lifetime emotional scarring.

Anyway, most of the swimming pools around here are salt water pools instead of chlorine pools.  And the gyms keep them around 88 degrees so as not to shock the systems of the dinosaurs who think that water aerobics is real exercise. (PS: It’s not.)  Having swam (swum?) in chlorine pools my whole life, it doesn’t feel like swimming if the water’s not cool and I don’t come out of the water with an eau du stale chorine clinging to my skin and hair.  The YMCA has a decent, clean chorine pool that they keep at a nice, cool temperature.  So, while it is a little more expensive that a membership to 24 Hour Fitness, and there’s not as much eye candy to look at, the pool more than makes up for it.

As much as I like swimming, though, it’s got one major problem: swimming laps is boring as hell.  The whole time, you’re chasing walls while hearing nothing but the roar of water rushing past your ears and the sound of your own thoughts.  And I go out of my way in life not to be left alone with my thoughts.  Those little buggers are destructive and hateful, and they should be kept locked up at all times so as not to wreak havoc on my delicate mental sensibilities.  If you’re really unlucky, you get a song stuck in your head, and spend the entire session swimming to that song.  Currently: Turning Tables by Adele.  Perfect tempo for stroke rhythm. But hearing it in your head for an hour would be enough to drive Adele herself off the deep end. (Pun Intended)

Once I had decided that I was going to re-up my membership, I decided to see if perhaps I couldn’t come up with some alternative to an hour of mental Turning Tables. My sanity is already hanging by a thread.  I didn’t want to start carrying around proverbial scissors.  So, I went to Amazon and searched for “Waterproof MP3 Player”.  How very fortuitous.  A company called H2OFriendly buys off-the-shelf iPods, opens them up, and waterproofs them from the inside using a proprietary process.  Then you just clip this little thing on the back of your goggles, use one of several different varieties of waterproof headphones, and you’re good to go.

So, after renewing my gym membership yesterday, I decided that today I would take the new iPod for a spin.  Or a swim, as the case may be.  I loaded it up with an Audiobook, and went to the gym. 

Cue the freakin’ choir of angels, y’all.

imageThis.  THIS.  This is the device I have been waiting for all my life.  And I just didn’t know it.  It was SO AWESOME to go swimming with an audiobook playing the whole time.  I swam for 30 minutes straight, and hardly realized that any time had passed at all.  I finished my 1000 meters, looked up, and was shocked to see how long I had been swimming.  It was amazing. AND, the waterproof headphones make a water-tight seal in your ear canal and block out all the sounds, so it was very peaceful and quiet. 

And yes, I know that 30 minutes for 1000 meters isn’t very fast, nor is it very much.  But the last time I went swimming after having not been swimming in years, I overdid it and ended up barfing up my lunch in the locker room after about 600 meters.  Not something I wanted to reenact this time around.  I’m very, very out of shape.  It’s going to take a while to work back up a shape other than manbooby blob.

I also found out that the gym now has a hip-hop dance class on Saturday afternoons, which I’m excited to take.  I’m going to look like a mega-idiot, but that’s okay.  It’ll be fun.  More fun that the new age hippie that teaches the yoga class, anyway.  “When I am in that place in me, and you are in place in you, then we are one. Namaste.”  Yeah, well, namaste this, Earth mother.  I just want to stretch out, not become one with you or any of the other 80 year old Korean women in this class.

Anyway, I’m super excited for getting back into some sort of exercise regiment.  I’m even going to try to start going to the gym BEFORE work most days.  I’m going to see if perhaps being physically fit and active again will help me to not be so cranky and crabby at work.

And who knows: maybe I’ll get my body back to some semblance of sexiness so I can attract something other than mosquitoes, self-esteem issues, and chubby chasers.  I’ll be holding my breath.  (Get it?  It’s an underwater joke!)

And now apropos of absolutely nothing at all, I provide you this awesome clip.

It’s totally immature and juvenile, and I’m not even remotely ashamed to say I nearly peed my pants from laughter.
 

Dear Dell Computers,

My name is Matt Armstrong, and I have been a customer of yours for just shy of 11 years.  Every single computer I have purchased since that time, with the exception of two machines, was a Dell.  And, I would like to add, I buy a LOT of computers.  I have purchased monitors from Dell.  I have purchased nearly all of my camera equipment from Dell.  I purchased numerous accessories and upgrades from Dell.  However, despite this long relationship, I will no longer be purchasing anything from Dell again.  As of December 2010, Dell has lost my custom for good. 

There are several reasons for my leaving you behind, Dell.  It all started back in October, when I started looking around for a new machine for my recording studio.  I built the machine I needed, placed it in my cart, and went to order it.  That’s when I discovered that I was unable to use my Dell Preferred Account to purchase the Dell computer I wanted.  Let me repeat that.  I couldn’t use my DELL credit card to purchase a DELL computer.  The reason: the computer was a “business” computer, and my credit card was only good for “home” computers. 

What made this situation worse is when I called into the line to speak with a sales person, after waiting on hold for 10 minutes, he then proceeded to build a computer that was COMPLETELY different from the one I had asked for, and which did not contain the technical features I required for my very specific use case.  This particular sales person was not technically adept enough to understand my request, and then tried to sell me something that, had I not been as knowledgeable about computers as I am, I would have ordered only to have it arrive and find that it wouldn’t meet my needs.

Two days later, I got another call from a different sales person, asking me if I wanted the computer that this sales person had built for me, despite my very clear instructions that the computer would not have met my technical needs.

During this time, I also noticed that Dell began to send me an email ad at least four times a week—and even more often during the holiday period.  I went to the Dell website, signed into my account, and turned off all of the “newsletters” to which I had been subscribed without my permission.  The newsletters still came.  I used the unsubscribe link in the emails to remove me from the mailing list.  The emails still came.  I called customer support to have my email address removed.  Guess what?  They still came.  They are still coming.  The only way I have been able to get rid of these emails is to mark them as SPAM and have them filtered into my junk mail folder.

December rolled around, and I decided that I wanted to purchase a very small, fairly underpowered machine to serve as a media server for my movie collection.  I found the machine I wanted, placed the order online, and realized about 20 minutes later that I had made a mistake on the order.  So, I called the sales line, waited on hold for 20 minutes, and asked the sales person to cancel the order, which he did.  I then went online, and purchase the correct machine without too much difficulty. 

The next day, I got another call from the Dell sales team asking me if, are you ready for this, I was still interested in the machine they had spec’d for me a month and a half ago.  The one I never wanted, and shouldn’t have even been spec’d in the first place.  I attempted to be as polite as possible to the person who called me, but his command of the English language was so tenuous, that it was very difficult.

My new machine arrived, and it works fairly well.  (It has a small technical issue that is a problem with the design of the system, and can’t be resolved without changing the entire architecture of the motherboard, but that’s beside the point.)  But it serves my needs.

And the email ads STILL come.

Last Friday, I was sitting at work, and my phone rang.  It was a number that I had seen four times in the last week and didn’t recognize, so didn’t answer.  I finally got sick and tired of screening the call, so I picked up the phone to demand to have my number removed from their calling list.  Guess who it was?  I was Dell warrantee support.  They were calling because they were concerned that the brand new machine I had just purchased ONLY had a 1-year warrantee on it.  And, for only $230 dollars (which was just shy of half of the price of the machine to begin with) I could extend my warrantee for two more years with a full on-site support plan.  A plan which, three weeks ago, I had turned down on purpose when I purchased the computer.

I explained this to the woman who called.  (This woman also had an extremely tenuous grasp on the English language, so I’m not sure how much she understood.)  I explained that I am a very technically savvy person, and am capable of performing my own technical support and I wasn’t interested in an extended warrantee.  She then proceeded to explain the benefits of the warrantee to me AGAIN, and then said, “so if it’s okay with you, I’ll go ahead and add this warrantee to your Dell Credit Card.”  I explained AGAIN that I wasn’t interested.  She proceeded to expound that if something were to fail, this would cover it for three years—a fact that, thanks to my multiple degrees, my two decades of computer expertise, and a fairly decent grasp of the principles of common sense, I had already managed to figure out.  For the third time in a row, I explained that I did not want an extended warrantee and, moreover, I probably wouldn’t even have this computer for a full year, so spending 50% of the original price on a warrantee would be an epic waste of money—almost as big a waste of my time as this phone conversation had been.

Oh…and the email ads still keep coming.

In addition, in the last three weeks, I have received two catalogs in my mailbox, and today, received a letter trying to sell me an extended warrantee for this stupid little media computer.

Dell, here’s the thing.  Your website is poorly designed, and the incessant popups asking if I want to chat with someone if I need help were almost enough to get me to stop coming to your website entirely.  Your ludicrous rules about not being able to use my Dell credit card to purchase a Dell computer are asinine.  The inability of your sales people to read a customer’s record is laughable—nearly as laughable as their lack of technical expertise and inability to listen to a customer’s requests. 

But what is COMPLETELY inexcusable is the way you treat your customers once they have already purchased a computer.  The act of purchasing a computer from your website does not give you the right to fill up my email inbox with junk mail that I can’t possibly unsubscribe from.  The act of purchasing a computer does not give your sales people the right to cold call me in the middle of my work day to sell me a product I didn’t want when it was offered the first time, and didn’t want despite repeated attempts to upsell me on an extended warrantee (which is the biggest sham in the technology industry).  Simply because I call your sales line, I do not give you authority to call me back several times to ask me if I’m ready to buy the computer that was spec’d for me, especially when you didn’t spec the computer I wanted.

Dell, you used to be one of the most highly-rated computer firms in terms of customer support.  That’s gone now.  My last two years of experience with Dell have been atrocious.  In addition, your computers are no longer as stable as they once were, your industrial design is heinous (especially in comparison to some of your competitors), your prices are too high, the turnaround time on your systems is too long, your website is too difficult to navigate, and you’ve become so bloated as a company that you’re starting to collapse under your own weight.

I tend to be a VERY loyal consumer.  Having worked in the technology industry for a large portion of my adult life, I understand that a single bad experience does not a company make.  But the problems Dell is facing are systemic and deeply ingrained.  Not to mention, nearly consistent.  You’ve lost me as a customer for good.  I will not be purchasing any of my computers from you in the future.  And, moreover, due to my experiences as a home consumer, I will not be purchasing any further Dell computers for my staff at work either.  You see, I have some sway in the purchasing decision at my office.  We will be moving a new computer provider entirely.  I simply can not continue to support a company that thinks so little of its customers and treats them with such a systematic contempt. 

Your former loyal customer,

Matt

 

When I wake up in the morning, one of the very first things I do before I even get out of bed is flip open my iPad and check my email, Twitter, and Facebook accounts.  Then I will get out of bed, take a shower, and go to work.  Once at work, the very first thing I do once I have booted up my computers is to launch Tweetdeck, which displays my Facebook feed and Twitter accounts on the same page.  I check it many, many times during the day.  I often post several times during the day.  Then I come home, eat dinner, and usually sit back down at my computer.  And I check Facebook and Twitter.  And I usually do it again before I go to bed.

The thing is…I don’t even really like Facebook.  In fact, there are a lot of things I strongly dislike about Facebook.  The company, which is in DESPERATE need of a grownup to come run it, is gathering a massive database of personal and in-depth information about each person who uses the service.  They don’t currently sell that information, but that could change.  There are security holes everywhere, and privacy is a joke. 

But I think the thing I dislike most about Facebook is the method of interaction.  Yeah, I generally like seeing what other people or up to.  And I follow a lot of funny people, so I can generally get a good laugh or two during the day from a witty update.  But Facebook has become a voyeuristic showcase of maladjustment and emotional disturbance.

There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t see (or even do) one or more of the following:

  • An announcement to the world of some mundane activity taking place or about to take place
  • A brag on children/spouses/pets
  • A vague, obtuse reference to an upsetting event
  • Compliment fishing that is barely disguised as a self-deprecating insult
  • Wallowing in self pity
  • Link to video/articles for one cause or another (which I may or may not support)
  • YET another announcement from some app someone used, and then allowed that app to email to all of his or her friends.  (“Which Obscure Disney Princess” App, I’m looking in your direction.  Also: Color Code, Which Harry Potter Character Are You, Farmville, Bejeweled Blitz, etc.)

Here’s the thing:  I don’t have a lot of in-person interactions.  I’m generally uncomfortable around large groups of people unless I’m up on a stage in front of them.  Then I’m right at home.  I rarely have much to talk about with most people.  I’m not a very good conversationalist.  I have a difficult time being interested in most people’s day-to-day lives.  And I tend not to hold on to friendships very easily. 

Facebook and Twitter also get me riled up.  People post all kinds of videos and articles designed only to angry up the blood.  Just today, my feeds contained commentaries on gay bullying, parental abuse/neglect, right wing lies in the media, TSA scanners, pat-downs of three year olds, Michael Vic, Cook’s Source theft of a recipe and resulting retaliation, and on and on and on.  If I were to believe my friends on Facebook, the world is coming to an end tomorrow.  I just don’t have the emotional fortitude to share the outrage with all of my friends.  I’ve tried.  But it’s exhausting.  It was Facebook which pushed me toward my recent angry post about Elder Packer’s recent conference talk.  That drained me for three days afterwards.  It’s not that I want to hide my head in the sand, but I just don’t have the fortitude to get worked up over everyone’s crusades.

Facebook has become, to me, both a major annoyance and a potentially treacherous replacement for real-life interactions with people.  I don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook compared to some people.  I don’t play the social games (Farmville, Mafia Wars). and I don’t post a lot of updates or comments.  But in many ways, it has become my sole link to the outside world, excepting my family with whom I speak on the phone. 

There was a time, not ALL that long ago, when I was perfectly capable of going through a full day of my life without logging on to Facebook or Twitter.  Now the concept seems foreign to me–rather like the thought of living without electricity.  I know it can be done, but I’m not really sure how.  Information flies around the Internet so quickly, and I’ve always prided myself on being at the forefront of whatever’s going on.  But I don’t need to know everything.  I don’t need to know exactly the minute that iOS 4.2 for the iPad or Android 2.3, or GoogleTV comes out.  I don’t need to know every viral YouTube Video.  My life is in NO way richer for having heard Antoine Dodds (or whatever his name was) spout the immortal words, “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband too, ‘cuz they rapin’ errybody out here.”

In short, I’m suffering from a MAJOR case of information overload.

So…I’ve decided that I’m going to be taking a week-long break from both Facebook and Twitter.  I’m not going to log in first thing in the morning, or last thing at night.  I’m not going to be posting my open letters, complaining about (fill in the blank). or even posting links to my Flickr Photos or Blog Posts.  (After this one…)  I’m going to see if I can make it.  Then I may swear them both off for good.  I’ve realized that spending so much of my day either reviewing or interacting with these social networking sites means a few things:

1. I’m not busy enough doing important things
2. I’m wasting my leisure time doing things that don’t bring me happiness
3. I need to spend time with real people and not their one-dimensional internet selves.

I’ll still be posting on my blog, and checking my email, but Facebook and I are, as of this moment, on a break.  And if we’re not good enough friends that you have my contact information outside of Facebook or Twitter…well, there ya go…

(P.S. Comments on the blog still work, though.)

 

As previously mentioned, I may not decorate for Thanksgiving, but I do celebrate Thanksgiving.  As a natural complainer, I, of all people, need to be reminded of lucky I have been in my life.  Here are a few of the things I’m grateful for:

***

I ran into one of my old co-workers today, and I was again reminded how grateful I am for my job.  I’m grateful that I am able to work for a company that treats its employees more like human beings and less like expendable resources.  I’m grateful that I have health insurance.  I’m grateful that, despite having worked there for less than six months, and having already taken two paid days off, I have nearly two weeks of paid time off accumulated.  I’m grateful that I don’t have to clock my down down to the minute, and I don’t have to get approval to leave work 15 minutes early, because there is no rigid schedule.

***

I’m grateful for living in such a beautiful area.  This is beautiful, not only because of the wonderful summer weather, the beautiful scenery, and the clean air, but because of the people.  Of all of the places I have ever lived, I don’t think I’ve ever lived anywhere where the people were more accepting of differences.  I think it’s due to the higher education level, the extremely diverse population, and the overall liberal feel of the place, but the people here just don’t seem to get so worked up over other people’s choices. 

***

I’m grateful for the Internet.  I’ve basically grown up with the Internet.  I started using the net regularly in 1992 when I got my very first 2400 baud modem.  Since then, I’ve basically lived online.  You can argue whether this is a blessing or a curse, but it has become a major part of my life—one that I would be hard pressed to live without.  I’ve been able to have fun, learn new skills, get and give support, make money, spend a whole lot more money, and share the things I create.  I’m grateful for that young man from Lansing who just gave me his old, leftover modem to experiment with so I could join the revolution so early.  (It’s strange to think that the Internet as we know it now hasn’t even been around for 20 years yet.  When I started getting online, it was using Lynx and Gopher.  There weren’t any graphical websites, and certainly no such thing as e-commerce.  Things move quickly in the technological age, don’t they?

***

I’m grateful for my family.  We don’t live close together, and haven’t for a long time.  But I still feel very close with them.  I’m grateful that they love me no matter what, and that even though I make choices that they may not agree with, that doesn’t diminish their love for me or mine for them.  Considering what I have seen many of my friends go through with their families, I’m not really sure how I got so lucky to have mine, but I’m glad I did.

***

I’m glad that I can write in my blog, take photos, write songs, play video games, play with the dog, record audiobooks, go shopping, cook (and eat), and do all of the other things that I do in the course of my life that bring me enjoyment.  I’m grateful that I get to set my own schedule, make my own rules, and live the way I want to live.  I’m grateful that I can decorate for Christmas a month early.  I’m grateful for my dog, my iPad, and my Tivo.  I’m grateful for a car that, in five years, has only needed oil changes, new tires, and (as of this moment) new brakes.  I’m grateful for my friends.

***

I’m grateful for lots of other things too, but I think I’m going to limit my schmaltziness to this list.  For now, anyway.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I felt like I had to throw in at least one Gratitude post.  Last of all, I’m extremely grateful for Kaspars, the place where I have Thanksgiving dinner every years that I’m not with family.  Because this is what my Thanksgiving dinner will consist of:

  • Carved Turkey with Rosemary, Lemon and Black Pepper Rub
  • Pike Place Market Ale and Honey Glazed Ham
  • Old Fashioned Gravy
  • Cranberry, Orange and Cinnamon Sauce
  • Annabelle’s Savory Celery, Sweet Onion & French Bread Stuffing Corn Bread Stuffing with Crispy Oysters
  • Whiskey Barbecue Pulled Pork
  • Maple Vanilla Bean Sweet Potatoes
  • Country Style Red Skin Garlic Mashed Potatoes
  • Brussels Sprouts with Shallots and Crispy Bacon
  • Butternut Squash, Spinach, Ricotta Cheese and Walnut Cannelloni Baked Macaroni and Cheese with Fine Herb Bread Crumb Crust
  • Dungeness Crab Champagne Bisque
  • Northwest Seafood Stew with Sun Dried Tomatoes and Basil
  • Black Bean and Cojito Cheese Quesadilla with Pico de Gallo
  • House Smoked Wild Salmon with Honey Rum Glaze
  • Chilled Prawn Cocktail with Horseradish Tomato Cocktail Sauce
  • House Smoked Penn Cove Mussels
  • Olive Oil Poached Albacore Tuna with Watercress and Red Bell Pepper Pesto
  • Roasted Cauliflower Salad with Curried Garlic Dressing
  • Spanish Red Snapper Escabéche Deviled Eggs with Dungeness Crabmeat Orzo Salad with Green Vegetables and Green Goddess Dressing
  • Caesar Salad with Focaccia Croutons and Parmesan Dressing
  • Thai Noodle Beef Salad with Mint, Cucumber and Lemon Dressing
  • Greek Vegetable Salad with Feta and Kalamata Olives
  • Red Cabbage and Apple Slaw with Brown Sugar Dressing
  • Roasted Winter Vegetable Salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette
  • Tomato, Basil and Fresh Mozzarella Salad
  • Caramelized Onion and Three Cheese Tart
  • Balsamic Onions with Oregon Blue Cheese
  • LePuy Lentil Salad with Chicken Cilantro Meatballs
  • Roasted Beet, Pear, Spiced Granola Salad
  • Ricotta Tortellini Salad with Autumn Squash and Crispy Sage Seasonal Fruit Platters
  • International Cheese Selection with Sesame Crackers, Focaccia, Walnut Bread, Challah, Savory Scones, Cilantro Jalapeño Corn and Bacon Muffins
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Pecan Sweet Potato Pie
  • Crème Brûlée
  • Cranberry Tiramisu
  • Rustic Apple Tart
  • Cheesecake
  • Cookies
  • Chocolate Mousse
  • Banana Betty
  • and Many More!
 

So, things are looking a little different here at One Off.  I've finally started getting around to making some updates.  This new WordPress theme I'm using is sick in the number of configurable options it has, and I've not yet decided on what I want and don't want on the page.

Some of the changes I've made:

  • I've added the categories of the posts as a series of tabbed menus across the top.
  • New header image…not sure if it's quite what I'm going after, but at least it's something
  • New widgets and cleaned up the ones already there.  Not sure how I feel about the whole widget thing…still trying to sort it out a bit.
  • Changed the color scheme slightly
  • Implemented Google Analytics, so I will have irrefutable proof that there are five people who visit my blog.
  • Changed commenting systems.

The last one is the biggest change.  I've decided to implement the Disqus commenting system.  It will let you log in with an OpenID, Facebook, Twitter, or Yahoo Email login, and post comments that way.  It allows for threaded messages and replies, and gives me a much better and more flexible comment monitoring system.  I'm still tweaking it, but I'll be sticking with Disqus for the time being.

More changes to come, I'm sure.

 

You may not realize it, Gentle Reader, but tonight begins an entirely new era of blogging for yours truly.  No, my blog will not become interesting, or trenchant, or even moderately cohesive.  There has been no seismic change in my life that will illicit ream upon ream of writing to delight and enthrall the senses.  No, this new era is ushered in by something far more mundane.

I can now blog from my sofa.

That’s right.  Today, I received my early birthday present to myself: my new Dell laptop.  This may  not seem like a particularly fascinating development.  And, let’s be honest…it’s not.  But it’s unusual for me.  I’m not usually a fan of the laptop.  I like having a full-sized keyboard and a big screen (or, in my case, two big screens.)  But I figured it was time to get a laptop…especially for the kind of work I’m going to be doing with my new job.  Since I have to be transporting video back and forth between my studio at home and my office, this just seemed like a perfect fit.

Plus, now it gives me the opportunity to live-blog TV shows.  Not that I will actually do that, but I could do that if I were so inclined.

—-

The new job, for those who keep asking, is coming along pretty well.  It’s a great company at which to work.  (Is that grammatically correct?  I was trying not to use a preposition to end that sentence with.)  The job is enjoyable and very challenging for me, which is a nice change of pace.   The environment is very different than my last job.  At Microsoft, I was one of the oldest members of a very young team.  The team was very relaxed, fun, and—well—hilariously unprofessional.  I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, by more in a walking-hr-violation-make-me-laugh-all-the-time sort of way.  Because it was a younger group of folks, there were a lot of friendships between the people at work.  If it weren’t for some of the folks I met on that job, I wouldn’t talk to anyone else…ever.  Pretty much my only relationships here are from friends that I made on that job.

The new environment is equally relaxed, but that’s about where the similarities end.  It’s a much more staid environment.  The people are wonderful, and quite friendly.  But I’ve gone from being one of the oldest of a young team to one of the youngest of my new team.  Most of my teammates have families, and several have children.  It is, I imagine, much more like a regular work environment than I was used to.  It’s not bad, by any means…just very different.  I like the folks I work with a lot, and they’ve been extremely helpful.  But I don’t see any of my current co-workers and I hanging out on the weekends. 

That being said, the company’s great.  In two days, I will have amazing health insurance.  It’s wonderful knowing how much every paycheck is going to be, even if I take time off.  I really enjoy working with the clients, and I think that as I begin to have a better understanding of our system, I’ll be able to provide a lot of value to the company.

—-

I’m in the mood to start watching a new TV show, and I’m trying to figure out which shows I’d like to see.  I’ve thought about watching the X-Files from beginning to end.  I’m half-way through My Name is Earl which was funny for the first season, but afterwards I lost interest.  I think what I’m going to pick up next is The West Wing.  I love some of the actors in that show, especially Bradley Whitford and Allison Janney (or however her name is spelled.)  Plus I need a show that’s a little more, well, intellectual. 

Besides, I need something to tide me over before Warehouse 13 comes back on in July.

If you’re not watching this show, I’d highly suggest it.  Funny, well-written, and inventive.  Plus, Eddie McClintock!

—-

So, you may have noticed that there’s something a little different about my blog theme.  I’m trying a few different things, and I have latched on to a new theme yet.  I like the layout of this theme…especially the fact that the categories are listed as a drop-down above.  But, I still need to make some customizations if this is the theme I decide to stick with.  I’m not a HUGE fan of the white text on black background…but it’s hard to find a theme that I actually like.  Plus this theme has the comments link at the top of the post, which doesn’t make any sense at all.  Actually, the more I think about it, the less I want to keep this theme.

If anyone can suggest WordPress themes that they like, let me know.  I’m a tough cookie when it comes to themes.

 

Unless you’re dead, or possibly comatose, you have probably heard that Apple recently released something known as the iPad.

It’s a tablet computer…about the same size as my Kindle DX, but able to do basically the same thing that can be done on an iPhone or iPod touch.  And then some. 

I am no lover of Apple products.  They are obscenely overpriced, overdesigned, and, in many cases, underperforming.  I spent over $1000 on iPhones, none of which actually allowed me to make phone calls.  I purchased three iPods in my day, two of which died after less than 18 months of use, and one of which had to be sent back four times for repair.   Anyone who tells you that Apple computers never crash has never actually used one.  I considered buying a Mac Pro for my recording studio, but it would have cost me $3,800 to buy the machine.  To buy a comparable Windows-based machine, I spent $1,050.  (And, by the way, this particular machine has NEVER crashed…I’m just sayin’).  I could have purchased 3.7 new computers for the cost of a single Mac.

(Side note: I have less-than-rosy feelings about products by Apple’s operating system competitor as well.  Suffice it to say, however, I will not use my blog to point out what I consider to be flaws in the products created by the company that pays my bills.  Let’s just say that all technology companies have their own problems, and sometimes, those problems are myriad.)

When the iPad was first announced a few months ago, I had to say that I wasn’t particularly thrilled by the concept.  I like where Apple is trying to go with the device, but I don’t want a giant iPod touch.  And I joined in with the rest of the world making fun of one of the worst product names of all time.  (My personal favorite:  "I’m going to wait to buy an iPad until Apple comes out with the larger version: the Max iPad.") 

Despite my relative distaste for Apple products (and moreover, Apple Fanboys), I had a chance to play around with one of these tablets for a while and I came away mildly impressed.  It does many things well (although it can only do one of them at a time), it’s relatively well designed, and most of all, it’s a new category of device.  It’s not meant to replace the phone or the computer, but sit somewhere in between.  On the weekend of the release, I actually toyed around with buying one. 

See, it’s not that I really wanted an iPad, but I’m one of those early adopters.  I like to have the new stuff before everyone else does.  I was the first person I knew who owned a DVD player, for instance.  I was a very early adopter of the TiVo.  I got a digital SLR camera VERY early on in their life cycles.  The iPad is something new, and I wanted to be a part of the cultural phenomenon. 

But as the weekend progressed, and I mulled this over in my mind, I came to a pretty significant realization: I do not want or need any new screens in my life.

I wake up every morning and the first thing I do before I even get out of bed is roll over, pick up my phone, and check my email, Facebook, and Twitter.  I go to work where I have (literally) five computer monitors at my desk and I spend all day long staring at computer monitors.  I come home, and I pull out my Kindle, head into the recording studio, and work on my audiobooks.  Then I sit down in front of my two computer monitors at home and write blog posts, edit my audiobooks, surf the net.  Sometimes, I’ll take my camera (which has a screen) outside and take some pictures.  Then I’ll come back in and edit photos on my computer.  And when it’s all said and done, I sit down in front of my 42" television and watch TV, Movies, or play Video Games.  Then, the very last thing I do before I lay down at night is check my email, Facebook, and Twitter on my phone before I set the alarm and go to sleep.  My life, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed, is spent in front of screens.

And that, to me, is the real shortcoming of the iPad–at its heart, it is nothing more than another screen.  The iPad doesn’t replace any of the screens already in my life.  It can’t replace my phone.  There’s now way it will replace my computer–at least not for several generations.  If given the choice of watching TV on a 10" tablet or a 42" high-def TV on my comfy sofa with a surround sound system, I’m going to pick the TV.  It can’t replace my kindle because I can’t read books on blacklit LCD screens–it gives me terrible headaches and eye strain.  (Heck, if I have to read something more than just a few pages long, I still print it up and read it on paper.)  All the iPad would be is another very expensive screen that I would need to find a way to cram into my life.  There’s NOTHING that I can do on the iPad that I can’t do just as easily, if not more so, on one of the other devices already in my life.  And the limitations of the iPad–in particular the requirement that I use iTunes, one of the slowest, most bloated, ugly, unmanageable, and laggy pieces of software I’ve ever run in my life (which is saying something when you remember where I work…) to access the device mean that I have even less desire.

(Side note: in proofreading this blog post, I realized that I typed ‘iPod" when I meant "iPad" about 80% of the time.  Another reason why the name is so annoying.)

I can see where the tablet computer concept would be very handy for some people: those who travel a lot, those who use imagery as part of their profession (photographers, artists, designers, etc.).  For people who aren’t bothered by reading on backlit screens, the iPad would be a phenomenal eBook reader.  But for most people, and most uses, I think people are buying into the expertly generated Apple Hype™ and buying the iPad because it’s the cool thing to do.  As the tablet PC ecosystem expands, I believe that many companies, including Apple, will find ways to help the tablet expand its usability and functionality, but I don’t think that most people will end up using the iPad as much as they think they will.  I think folks will drop their $800 (!) on an iPad, play with it incessantly for the first few weeks, and then I think it will become just another device that only gets pulled out every once in a while.  Until Apple, or some other company, can create a device without so many usage restrictions, I just don’t see the need for this in my life.

So, to answer the question I’m sure you’ve been asking yourselves since the iPad came out: no, I will not be buying one.  At least not now.  And not for what they’re charging.  And probably not for this first generation of devices.  I have already thrown such a huge part of life away staring at pixels on screens for hours and days and months and years on end.  I don’t need anything else that encourages me to do so even more often.  If I get the urge to go and buy an iPad, I will just go for a walk.  Because honestly, it’s about time I stopped living my life through the false images transmitted to me via Liquid Crystal Displays and started living life in person. 

For me, that’s the truly revolutionary new thing.

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