Money » One Off

Places I’m Not Allowed to Go

Money, Places I'm Not Allowed to Go 4 Responses »

Mar 062010

So, I’m thinking of starting a new feature here at the One Off Blog called "Places I’m Not Allowed to Go" in which I shame myself publically for having no self control over the spending of money. There are certain stores which have an almost siren-like allure to me, calling me into a whirling vortex of spending from which I can never escape. Today’s featured store? Kohl’s.

I don’t really know why, but something about Kohl’s is like crack to me. Whoever designed their retailing concept is an absolute genius. For those of you who don’t understand the joy that is Kohl’s, first I will weep for you, then I will explain. Kohl’s is like a cross between JC Penny and Target, but with better clothes and decor, much lower prices, and aerosolized crack pumped through the HVAC system. You can get clothing, shoes, home decor, kitchen, bed, and bath stuff, and small appliances. They usually have a very good selection of stuff, and reasonable prices.

The thing about Kohl’s, however, is not what they are selling, but HOW they sell it. It’s hard to go to Kohl’s and find something that’s not on sale. Usually, pretty much everything is on sale all the time. They have regular promotions using "Kohl’s Cash" where, for every $50 you spend, they give you a gift certificate for another $10. If you put your purchase on your Kohl’s card, they let you do a scratch-off thing to see if you get an additional 15%, 20%, or 30% off your entire order. You can always get coupons for something. And it’s not like they jack up their regular prices in order to offset the discounts. You can find identical or comparable items at the non-discounted price at any major retailer. I don’t know how they manage to do it, but they do.

The result of all this discount chicanery is that I am NEVER able to walk into Kohl’s with a list of specific items I need and walk out without something I didn’t need. All those 75% off signs just do me in.

Case in point: Last night, I needed to get new pillows as part of my biannual pillow replacement project due to my propensity to drool while I sleep. I wanted to get two queen pillows, and that’s it. Well, the pillows, normally priced $20 were 50% off. While I was looking at the pillows I noticed that, on the endcap behind me, there were bedspreads on sale for 80% off. I recently got a new bed and mattress pad, and my existing bedspread wasn’t big enough with the extra height to be tucked in…something that’s mandatory if you have a platform bed. So I found a bedspread for $30 after discount. Since I got a new bedspread, and I had new pillows, I needed to get new sheets as well, because my old sheets were the deep-pocket kind, so they didn’t really fit on my mattress. But that was okay, because they were 600 count sheets and were 60% off. And I also had to get matching pillow cases, which were 75% off. Then, I figured that, since they were having such a great sale on bed and bath items, that I should pick up some new towels for the guest room since the towels I have in there are like using terrycloth sandpaper. They were 50% off.

And, of course, I put the whole amount on my Kohl’s card (don’t worry, I’ll pay it all off next bill), which netted me an extra 15% off the whole order. Overall, I got about $350 worth of stuff for about $130, AND, I got $20 in Kohl’s Cash which I can use starting on Monday–which is awesome right? Except for the part where I was only supposed to go into the store to get two queen-sized pillows. And that is why Kohl’s has now been added to the list of "Places I’m Not Allowed to Go."

Coming up Next: Fry’s Electronics, Guitar Center.

Tax Returns, How I Love Thee…

Money, Pictures, Ramblings No Responses »

Feb 072010

My tax return came last Friday (I did my return ridiculously early this year), and I’ve been enjoying the opportunity to use some of that tax return money in productive ways.

For instance:

I purchase sound treatments for the "booth" in the new recording studio (a.k.a., the walk-in closet in the 2nd bedroom of the new apartment)
I bought a few cables and accessories for said recording booth
I put a large chunk in savings
I made a large dent in one of my credit cards
I am able to schedule the 30K mile service on my car now
I have started buying necessities for my upcoming backpacking trip
And best of all, I bought a new bed!

It’s sleek and modern, but still has a nice warm dark brown color, which perfectly matches all the other furniture in my bedroom. Plus, I just got a fantastic 4" memory foam mattress topper on my bed which is so amazing, it prevented me from having to buy another mattress (and thus allowed for the purchase of the bed–it was going to have to be one or the other.) Unfortunately, the addition 4" on the mattress doesn’t seem like much, but it was getting a little difficult for Luke to get up on the bed with me at night time, so a slightly lower bed frame will be much appreciated I believe.

I got this beauty on a very good sale ($500 off). For the first time since I was a little kid, I will actually have a bed with a headboard instead of just a mattress and box springs on a bed frame. I can get rid of that butt ugly bed skirt that I’ve been using to hide the wheeled frame under my bed.

I know it’s so cliche, but I love buying real adult furniture…you know: the kind you don’t have to put together out of a box. That’s the best!

I will wait until the bed comes in a couple of weeks before I post pictures of the new place.

A Call for Charities

Money, Resolutions 6 Responses »

Jan 012010

Last year, I donated a little bit of money to a couple of different charities. And when I say little, I really do mean little. I probably donated about $50 here at there at the cash register of my local grocery stores and pet stores. I gave a bit of money to a couple of different charities at work. I bought a couple of small gifts for the giving tree, and that’s about it. My giving was unfocused and unresearched. Most of the charities to which I gave don’t have any personal meaning to me, I don’t know anything about the way my money will be used, and in most cases, I can’t even remember the names of the charities.

So this time around, I’m focusing my efforts a little more. Rather than whittle away my giving dollars $1, $2, or $5 at a time through cash register donations, I am actively researching charities that do work I support, that are responsible stewards of the funds donated, and that make a real difference in the world. I have a couple of charities on my list that mean a lot to me (a local no-kill animal shelter, for instance). I have a pretty narrow world-view sometimes though, and so far my list of charities seems a little, for lack of a better word, unimportant in the grand scheme of things. For example, I enjoy NPR a lot, and want to support them, but I have a hard time setting aside 50% of my giving budget to a radio news program when there are people starving all over the world.

So I would be interested to hear from my readers about their favorite charities. Who do you give your money to? I know that most of the people who read this blog probably give a good 10% (if not more) to the LDS church, and you can assume that if I know you’re LDS, then that’s a given. I’m talking about the non-church related charities. And how do you give? Do you crochet blankets to send to third-world countries? Do you give to micro-finance organizations. Do you spend your weekends working on Habitat for Humanity projects? Do you write a check or have a certain amount deducted from your account monthly? Do you volunteer at the soup kitchen on the holidays? And, more importantly, do you feel like your giving is actually appreciated by the recipients? What giving do you do that you feel helps people get back on their feet and help themselves? Or do you feel like it is more important to help those who simply can’t ever help themselves?

To help understand why I ask these particular questions, let me relate a story. A few years ago, one of the wards that I attended had a service project where they went to the local Ronald McDonald House to prepare and serve a Thanksgiving dinner for the kids and their families stuck in the hospital over the holidays. Great idea, right? Well, the food was provided by the Ronald McDonald House, the House’s staff had done all the cooking, and all we were there to do was to stand behind the counter and dish out the food to the folks as they stood in line, like it was a school cafeteria. In my mind, the RMH could have just as easily set it up buffet style, and done without 25-30 people standing around and getting in the way. In fact, the feeling I got from the kitchen staff is that we were more of a nuisance than we were a help. There weren’t even enough stations for everyone to have a chance to interact with the patients. About half of the group stood back in the kitchen talking and joking, and never paying attention to the kids or their families. Before the meal was even over, the group had disbanded to go back home with their families and enjoy their own Thanksgiving. They didn’t mingle with/try to cheer up the kids, put on little skits or a talent show, or even help clean up the kitchen. In the end, I heard several people say things like, "It really helps to remind me that other people have it so much harder than I do" or "This experience helped me feel thankful for the gift of health." The whole purpose of the exercise, it turned out, was not to actually help people who needed it, but rather to serve as a reminder that other people had it worse off. It was sterile, unimportant, and meaningless giving, in my mind.

Don’t get me wrong. If going to a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving and ladling out soup is really helpful, then I’m all for it. But I’m not interested in sterile giving, or giving to assuage some sense of middle-class guilt. I don’t want to give so I can remember how good I’ve got it. Yeah, that may be a side effect of my participation or my giving, but that shouldn’t be the purpose for it.

So, readers, to whom do you give and why? Help me consider a few options I’ve not considered before.

This message is brought to you by the Matthew S. and Luke Q. Armstrong Foundation

In Which I Beat Myself Up for Monetary Stupidity

Money No Responses »

Dec 282009

I have had this goal of getting my financial live in some semblance of order for a few years now–since 2005 when I declared bankruptcy and promised myself I’d never go down that road again. (We all know how that turned out…). In any case, I have had a desire to get out of debt and to get some money saved up. To have an emergency fund. To buy a house with a yard, a couple of fruit trees, and unfinished basement that I can turn into a killer recording studio, and more than one bedroom, in a tract house that we share, somewhere that’s green. (*Cue the Alan Menken Music*)

2009 was supposed to the year that I managed to get my fiscal act together. And to that, I have only one thing to say:

I sucked it up HARD this year when it comes to managing my money. I managed to pay off nearly all of my credit card debt and then, in four short months, filled up my cards with almost $9,000 in debt. IN FOUR MONTHS! I have less than $1000 in my emergency fund.

But worst of all, really and truly worst of all, is the amount of total and completely CRAP that I purchased this year. Last week before I went home for Christmas, I did a little evaluation to determine how much money I’ve spent of stuff I didn’t need. This is really special:

Acoustic Guitar	700
Electric Guitar	600
Disc Duplicator	1700
Digital Camera	1800
Color Laser Printer	400
AKG 414 Microphone	1000
Rode NTG-2 Microphone	350
Heil PR40 Microphone	400
Studio Computer	1100
External Drives	500
Xbox	200
Kindle	500
Memory Cards	200
Netbook	100
Ink and Blank CDs	250
Gardening Implements	300
Grill	300
Water Cooler	200
Electric Razor	150
Furnishings	1500
Video Games	400
Kitchen Applicanes	500
Christmas Tree	140
Headphones	150
Camera Flash	450
Recording Software	200
iPhone 3GS	500
Break Contract Fee	175
Verizon Droid & Accessories	350
Guitar Lessons	400
Clothing	1500
Surround Sound System	700
Unnecessarily Generous Gifts	1200

Total	18915

And this is certainly not an exhaustive list. It’s just all I could come up with in about 30 minutes of brainstorming. I’m sure there’s more that I’ve forgotten.

I don’t include this list of content to brag, but rather to prove my point: When it comes to my personal finances, I’m completely broken. If I had saved this money instead of spending it on stuff I didn’t need, I could have probably saved a 7-8% down payment on a condo. I could have invested it in the stock market and made a 50% gain when the market rallied at the end of the year. I could have made a couple of huge donations to my favorite charities. I could have focused on building a retirement fund. I could be out of credit card debt. I could have bought the new glasses I need, gone to the dentist (it’s been nearly a year), or taken my car in for its 30K maintenance. Instead, I have a closet and storage unit full of things I don’t particularly need, a mountain of debt, and a voluminous sense of personal failure.

Intellectually, I realize that I shouldn’t be spending money on things like this. When I get into the spending "zone," it’s like I lose all self control, and I can’t focus on anything else until I have purchased the item of my desires. And really, I should know better. In the last year, I’ve watched the nation’s unemployment balloon to well over 10%. I have seen my friends lose jobs, struggle to find jobs, and end up in situations where they are barely managing to scrape by. I’ve known that, starting in 2010, I was going to have to begin paying back all my student loans for my MBA. I have listened to the horror stories of people who haven’t prepared themselves for the lean times. I’ve heard the word outsourcing thrown around so much that it’s almost as common as saying "Good Morning," or "Where the HELL did you learn to drive you ROUNDHEAD!" while driving on the highways of Utah.

And despite seeing all this, and realizing, intellectually, that I am in a very vulnerable position, I’ve been completely unable to get my act together. I find myself at the mall, at Best Buy or Fry’s, at Guitar Center, at Kohls, at Target every single weekend, just "looking to see what’s new." I go to stores looking to see if there’s anything I didn’t realize I wanted to buy. I spent hours building my Amazon.com "Wish List." And every single weekend, I come home with bags or boxes of superfluous-yet-titilating items I don’t need. It’s gotten so bad that my neighbors have even commented on it. One neighbor even said to me recently, "Wow. You must make really good money, because every time I see you walk from the car to your door, I see you carrying some shopping bag or box."

Ever since I have thrown together this list, I’ve been thinking a lot about my spending habits, the emotional tie-ins to my spending habits, and my fairly significant lack of self-control in many areas of my life (exercise, food, money, etc.) I haven’t really come to any ground-breaking epiphanies about the causes of my self-destructive spending habits, but I have come to a few hard and fast conclusions (Cue the inspiring Braveheart Music):

This will END. And it will end NOW.
I Need to Learn Self-Control – I’m not really sure how I’m going to learn this, but I absolutely have to learn how to better control myself. An inability to deny myself of the things I want is not only pathetic, but it’s very dangerous–and not just in the area of money. If I’m going to be successful in life, this is a skill which is mandatory to develop and grow, and I need to start immediately.
I Need to Remove Myself from Temptation – I’ve proven repeatedly that I can’t control myself around credit. Despite having a bankruptcy on my history that’s less than five years old, I still don’t see credit as "something I’ll have to pay back later," but rather as "a way to get what I want right now without having to pay for it!" So, the cards are going away, the shopping trips are coming to an end, and I’m going to a strictly debit/cash system.
I Need to Fill My Life with Good (Free) Things – I think shopping is fun. It helps me fill my weekends. Well you know what, if I were hiking through the woods, or snapping photos, or walking through an art museum, or visiting with friends, or volunteering at an animal shelter, or playing video games, or working on my business, or writing letters to my grandparents, or baking treats for my neighbors, or writing the thank you cards that I’ve been meaning to send out for the last seven years, then I wouldn’t have time to fill by going shopping. I’ve lived in the Seattle area for 2 1/2 years, and still I have seen almost none the state. There are major attractions less than 15 minutes from my house that I’ve never seen because I’m too busy picking through the microphones at Guitar Center or the cashmere sweaters at Martin & Osa.

I know I’ve talked/complained/whined/moaned about my finances a lot. I’ve beaten this blog topic to a bloody, mangled death. But I’m really starting to get concerned. If I lost my job tomorrow, I would be in such a world of hurt. I might be able to live for a couple of months on my 401k if I cashed it out completely (and paid the 45% taxes and penalties). But chances are that I’d be broke and homeless in three months flat. And considering how miserable the job market is, and will continue to be, I just can’t afford to be this person anymore.

This means that the resolutions I set back in November just aren’t going to cut it anymore. I’m in the process of re-building them, and will post them again shortly. In the mean time, just know that I really do want to be successful at this money thing. I am a very smart person. Now I just need to transfer my intellectual knowledge into personal and emotional resolve. I need to be able to prove to myself that I am in control of my money and not the other way around.

So, on my podium to the world, I loudly proclaim it: This will end. The cards go away. The frivolous spending goes away. The savings account will grow. The investment accounts will grow. And most of all, I’ll fill the void left by not spending money by enjoying all that life has to offer that doesn’t charge 29.9% interest.

So, um, can anyone spare a dime?

OJ, Money, and Sleeping: A Week In Review

Health, Holidays, Money, Work 2 Responses »

Dec 212009

Once upon a time there was a gap-toothed little red-headed boy who used to write a blog. And in this blog, he wrote all kinds of stories about his life, his crippling emotional retardation, and sometimes, he even posted pictures of his little doggy. Then, one day, the little red-headed boy realized that his life was boring enough to send Robin Williams into a permanent coma, and he ran out of things to write, so he stopped writing in his blog, and instead spent all of his time playing video games. The End.

Yeah.

I’ve been having a difficult time trying to summon the motivation to blog lately. Partly, I think it’s just because my life is pretty monotonous. Also, I just didn’t want to. But I am nothing if not grudgingly dedicated, so here I am, spilling my guts for the world to see. This week was, to put it mildly, not one of my better weeks, certainly.

Monday, Tuesday: Work. Everyone decides to go on vacation two weeks before Christmas through the end of the year in order to use up their vacation before they lose it, so I am largely unable to accomplish what I need as I rely heavily on other teams and departments. And since I don’t get very much paid vacation as an hourly contractor, I am not able to take three weeks of vacation at the end of the year without ruining my credit rating even further.

Wednesday: Wake up with a sore throat. Assuming it’s just because I sleep with my mouth open (see previous post) and it’s been very dry. Drink water. Drink Hot Chocolate. Drink Mint Tea. Threaten to fire-bomb the universe if I get sick this close to Christmas.

Thursday: It hurts to swallow. I stay home from work. I only leave the house to walk the dog, get a bunch of orange juice, and bolster my immune system with a trip to Dairy Queen for lunch. Sleep almost all day long.

A Side Note: the only time I really don’t like owning a dog is when I’m sick. It wasn’t so bad when I had roommates and I could beg them to walk Luke. But now, it doesn’t matter how sick I am, if I don’t walk Luke, I’ll just be cleaning up his leavings…and that is certainly the worse of two evils. Mothers, I don’t know how you do it when you get sick. I couldn’t handle having to take care of kids and being sick at the same time. At least I can tell my "child" to go lay in the corner for six hours and he’ll do it.

Friday: It doesn’t hurt to swallow anymore, but the throat is still scratchy and I have a terrible sinus headache. Work from home. Get a TON of stuff done because I’m actually able to focus on my work rather than dealing with crises all day long. Three hours worth of naps.

Saturday: Feeling better. Throat is fine, but now I’m sneezy and have a runny nose. Go into the office to catch up on some hours. End up having to re-install my whole operating system due to some test/beta software that I am "dogfooding" causing some issues. (Dogfooding is a term used within the software industry which means that the people within the company have to use the software to help expand the pool of testers. For instance, I was using Windows 7 six months before it came to market. I’ve been using Office 2010 for about three months now. (P.S., neither of those software packages were the cause of the problem.) Go to the storage locker to get my suitcase. Forget it’s packed full of books. Zipper pops open and is beyond repair. (This suitcase has been with me on my mission, on the cruise ship, and pretty much every trip back and forth between Utah and Michigan. It’s served it’s time.) Send old suitcase on to the great baggage claim in the sky.

A Side Note/Rant. My dearly departed suitcase was one of those mammoth 30" suitcases on wheels that I could easily fit into myself, and still have enough room left over for Luke to hop in and snuggle with me. When I bought the suitcase, I would regularly pack it to the gills to get to and from where I was going. It rarely got weighed. I never got charged extra if it went over 75 pounds. The suitcase itself weighed 17 pounds. Even if I were to fill it with cotton batting, the stupid thing would still weigh over 50 pounds, the new weight limit for the cheap-a@# airlines. Last Christmas, I was bringing home my Christmas presents, and my suitcase ended up going over the 50 pound limit by seven pounds. They wanted to charge me $90.00 to put it on the plane anyway. NINETY. DOLLARS. I could have slapped an address label on it and shipped the thing next-day air to Seattle for less than that. So instead of ~~being financially raped~~ paying the exorbitant fee, I had to open my suitcase right there in the middle of the check-in plaza, take out my presents, finish checking in, and then call my parents to drive 20 minutes back to the airport to pick up the presents they had just bought me, which I would then pick up in June when I drove down. NOW, the airlines are going to charge me $20 just to bring a suitcase on the stinking plane at all. God forbid that my family actually wants to give me any Christmas presents this year. Gift certificates just aren’t as fun douchebags. Airlines, if you keep nickel and diming me to death, I’m going to start taking the Amtrak train down. It may take a little longer, but at least I won’t have to cash in my 401k just to visit my family. Also, I weigh less than 200 pounds. So why is it that I get charged $90 to bring a suitcase on that’s 7 pounds over the limit, and the 350 pound lard-a@# in the seat next to me doesn’t get charged $90 for being a fatty? My extra seven pounds is a whole lot less damaging than his extra 150.

Saturday, Continued: With the suitcase beyond repair, and the realization that I didn’t want to be opening my suitcase in the middle of the airport to pull out my personal belongings again, I decided it was time I bought some new luggage–something smaller and lighter that wouldn’t make it so easy to pack over my allowed weight. So, I went to Kohl’s. Kohl’s is a very dangerous store for me: Everything is always on sale. They are always having some crazy scratch and win discount game going on, you always get special deals if you use your Kohl’s card, and worst of all, they give you Kohl’s cash based on how much you spend, which you can then turn around and bring back to the store in a couple of weeks. So, I found a great deal on a set of American Tourister suitcases. A 25" upright, a 19" carryon, and wheeled duffel bag for $89. While I was there, I also happened across a new electric razor that I’ve been wanting to try, and it was on sale too. Normally $189.00, on sale for $149.00. Then I got 10% off for using my Kohl’s card. And another 20% off for the scratch and win game. AND I got $40 of Kohl’s Cash back. So, if you count the Kohl’s Case (which I do) I got a brand new suitcase set AND razor (approx $400 value) for $150. Then I went home and promised myself I was never going to spend money again.

Another Side Note: I have discovered that, among men of shaving age, most have very set-in-stone ideas about shaving implements. Until yesterday, I always used the Mach 3 straight razor for my shaving needs. Before that, I had an electric razor, but I didn’t really like it that much. My brother uses and electric razor, and says that straight razors give him really bad razor burn. My dad uses an electric razor, but it has to be one of those kind that you can use in the shower. The level of brand loyalty to razors and shaving accoutrement is nothing short of astonishing. Most men even stick with the same brand of shaving cream or gel for their whole lives. Someone should do a case study. Where do these loyalties come from? Do they stem from the father? Is it the same way for women’s shaving needs? I don’t know many men who switch brands or methods very easily. When it comes to shaving, that just seems not to be a problem for me. I’m a fickle consumer, and if you do something to piss me off, you’re on the list. Even with razors. E.g., this razor. Avoid this like the plague. It’ll rip the hell out of your face, and it costs more than my grocery bill for the month.

Sunday: Still stuffed up, and tired, but otherwise feeling fine. Still drinking OJ (which, in my old age, doesn’t sit well with me any more (*ahem*) and also gives me really bad heartburn.) Lounge around the house. Get hit with a very unusual wave of buyer’s remorse. Well, that’s not quite accurate. Buyer’s remorse is when you regret a specific purchase. I suppose it’s more a case of shopper’s remorse. I just feel sick about my spending habits. I was doing SO well with paying off my credit cards. But I’m terrible with budgets, money, self-control, fiscal responsibility, etc., and I decided it was time to put together a game plan. When I do this, the same thing always happens.

Gather my financial information
Put together a really awesome spreadsheet full of formulas and automatic calculations
Start plugging in budget numbers
Get completely discouraged when looking at budget numbers
Give up
Calm myself by a) eating pie, b) going clothes shopping, or c) ordering something expensive online.

The cherry pie was good.

I’ll probably write a confessional post about this later on, but I am really, really struggling with my inability to control my spending. I just can’t seem to stop spending money. And it’s getting to the point that I’m really starting to get worried. My students loans go back into repayment in February, and that’s going to be a massive hit to my budget. And instead of spending the last six months finishing off the last of my credit cards and saving money like depression-era grandmother, I managed to save about $1,000 and in the last four months, have racked up another $9,000 in credit card debt. THIS is why I have to get rid of my cards. I have proven over and over again that I simply can not be trusted when it comes to money. And that scares me. I don’t want to be one of those lonely old guys who lives in a little one-room hovel and never has any money but the meager income from social security (which likely won’t exist when I’m an old man.) Thank goodness for automatic paycheck deductions into the 401k otherwise I’d never save any money.

So, the remainder of Sunday night, I spent in front of my computer trying to figure out my plan of action. I can’t say that I’ve figured it out completely yet, but it looks like over the next few weeks I’m going to have to start cutting back on eating out, expensive groceries, shopping (duh), entertainment expenses, etc. I’m going to see if I can’t consolidate my student loans at a much lower interest rate than the one I’ve got now. I have, however, figured out my credit card payoff plan, and think that, if I can wrangle it, I can have all of my cards paid off and closed out (credit score be damned) by December 31, 2011.

Unless I get a raise (woo hoo!) or get laid of (I’m screwed), that is.

So, in summary, not one of my better weeks, that’s for certain. I know it’s stupid to wait until the beginning of the year to start getting your life back in order, but there is something refreshing about having some fixed point in time to flag as your opportunity to collect yourself and begin to work toward a new goal. And the New Year is coming up shortly. I’ll be updating my resolutions shortly, and hopefully, I will be able to get things under control. It’s hard to get your financial life under control when your personal and emotional lives are FEMA disaster areas, but you’ve got to start somewhere, right?

And now I need another piece of pie.

Losing My Voice

Audiobooks, Money, Ramblings, Work 5 Responses »

Dec 012009

It’s been four and a half years since I hung up my tap shoes and walked away from the performing world. Doing so was easier for me than I expected it to be, what with the miserable performing experience I had just gotten through with. Nevertheless, when I "retired’ from performing, I was basically erasing my identity. Ever since that moment on my mission when I got a letter from Tim Threlfall telling me that I had been accepted into the Music Dance Theatre program in college–and even before that, when I joined the ranks of the theatre nerds in high school–I was a performer. I was an actor. I needed to be on stage. I needed the applause. I needed to feel like I was special because I put on costumes and sang and danced for a living.

Walking away from the day-to-day realities of performing wasn’t that hard. I hated rehearsals, the poor pay, the torturously long hours, the low pay, the self-esteem destroying criticism, the constant rejection, and the low pay. But part of me still longs to be the performer, still wants to be the guy singing and dancing on stage and entertaining people. Plus, let’s be honest, I spent tons of money and countless hours honing my craft and teaching it to others. My rejection of the performer’s life means that those skills lay largely dormant in my day-to-day life.

Lately, I’ve really been struggling with my role as a corporate drone. I’ve been in my job for well over two years now, which is the longest I’ve ever held a single job. And certainly, the longest I’ve ever held a full-time job. Actually, this really is my first "official" full-time job. All my other jobs certainly took up more than full-time, but didn’t pay accordingly. I feel, working in a corporate environment, as though I’m losing my voice. Not physically, but metaphorically. Up until my move to Seattle, I’ve been something of a free spirit. I went where the jobs took me. But now, I go to the same place every day. I do the same thing every day. I struggle to find the passion and fire that I used to have over my previous endeavors.

I’ve discussed this in previous blog posts, certainly. It’s not a new feeling, and it does come and go in waves.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve really felt a drive to reclaim my voice a little. Both literally and figuratively. I’ve decided that I’m going to try to start doing some freelance voiceover work. I own an audiobook company, and enjoy doing that deeply. But until that starts paying the bills (remember: audiobooks make a great Christmas present!), I have decided that it’s time to put some of my training to good use in other arenas. I’ve got the setup, some of the training, and a desire. In my world, that’s a recipe for moderate success.

So, I’ve joined a few sites for VO artists. I have recorded several new VO demos. I’m sending out auditions when I get the chance. And I’m enjoying the process. This certainly isn’t a full-time thing (at least, not yet), and my full-time corporate job certainly provides me far more financial stability than would VO work, but I want to feel like I’m reclaiming some of my abandoned and suppressed history and identity. Plus, let’s be honest…VO work can pay really well. I can make as much in 1-1.5 hours of VO work as I would for a whole day’s work at my regular job. And with freelancing in my own studio, I can do both! (Then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about buying that new $1900 camera that I want so desperately.) (Um…I mean…Then I could start building my emergency fund again. Yeah. That’s the ticket.)

If you’d like to hear my new VO demos, just visit http://www.voices.com/demos/DrChumley.

And if you know people who are looking for voiceover talent, forward the link on.

Et Tu, iPhone

Audiobooks, Money, The Technology Whore, Whine No Responses »

Oct 222009

It may come as a massive shock to you, dear readers, that I am something of a technology whore. I work hard for the money…so hard for it honey, I work hard for the money so I can go out and piss it away on technology gadgets that I don’t need, use, or sometimes even want. (Wait…that’s how the song goes, right? Or have I been mis-hearing the lyrics for all these years.) Never is this more true than in the cell-phone realm. I have owned a cell phone for 10 years now. I started off with VoiceStream Wireless, a carrier that was later bought by Deutche Telecomm and turned into T-Mobile, in 1999, the year I got back from my mission. It was part of my post-mission, credit score rape-and-pillage technology binge in which I bought a DVD Player ($400), a VCR ($200), A Computer ($800), a 19" Monitor ($400), a portable DVD player ($600), and a new 27" TV which I only bought because my existing TV didn’t have the proper inputs to allow me hook up my DVD player to get the best possible picture, and which provided me with on my worst (and only) cases of buyer’s remorse. In fact, I felt so bad about buying it, I told everyone that I WON the TV in a drawing at Circuit City for the floor model so they wouldn’t lecture me about spending money so frivolously (LAME!)

This was my first phone. My first plan was only a 60 minute plan because, "I’m only getting this phone so I can be available if my agent calls me at the last minute to come and audition for a job. I need to be reachable at all times. I’ll never use it to place calls until it’s after 7PM and I’m on my free evening and weekend minutes." The price for this plan was $20 a month. (Okay. Stop laughing now.) Three days later, I called up Voicestream and I told them that I needed to up my plan to 600 minutes a month.

Since that time, I have never once made it all the way through my contract before getting rid of my phone and moving on to a new one. Less than two years after I got phone #1, I got #2–a little flip phone so small it was nearly impossible to dial numbers. Then I moved to ~~The Suck Pit of all Human Existence~~ Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, where T-Mobile didn’t get service, and I switched over to Cingular. Then I moved back to Michigan, where Cingular didn’t get service, and I switched back to T-Mobile. But T-Mobile didn’t get service at my parents’ house, so I got Sprint.

Then I moved to Utah, and Sprint screwed me over (and not in the good way) so badly I vowed that I would never rest until I could see the look in the eyes of Sprint’s CEO as I ripped his heart out of his chest with my bare hands and showed it to him while it was still beating. Then I switched to Verizon…for my first foray into the SmartPhone arena.

This thing was a beast, but I convinced myself that the $400 price tag was worth it because, "I need to be able to keep track of my voice lesson schedule."

Then I moved up Seattle, and Ye Old Verizon started dropping calls and/or failing to allow calls through. So I went back to T-Mobile.

Then, a year ago, I did something of which I’m not proud. I bought an iPhone 3g, and in doing so, ~~proved to the world that I do, in fact, suffer from severe brain damage~~ left T-Mobile and switched to AT&T. The iPhone itself is a great piece of technology, especially if you don’t need your phone to place calls, deliver voicemail messages, send and receive text messages, not crash, hold a charge for longer than 52 minutes, or cost less than the price of meals for a family of Ethiopian children for the next seven years. I wanted in on the tech bandwagon, and so I got an iPhone. And it was a love-hate relationship. I loved to hate the phone, and moreover, I really loved to hate AT&T (motto: Why let you phone calls when you will pay us $90 a buck a month for nothing?)

Then, when the Palm Pre came out, I decided that the Sprint CEO had suffered enough, and I decided to go back to Sprint…and I couldn’t have had a better experience. The phone was great, the people were friendly, the pricing plans were so much cheaper than they had been. The only problem was that I didn’t get any reception at all in my house. In fact, my phone was roaming from within the apartment. Not okay. So back the Pre went, and cancelled went the Sprint Plan. Fortunately, I hadn’t ported over my number yet, though. I’d have to suffer through with the iPhone.

Last Sunday, I finally had enough when, for the seventh time in as many hours, I had to shut off my iPhone and turn it back on just to get it to connect to my apartment Wi-Fi. So, I went to the AT&T Store. Unfortunately, the iPhone’s warranty is for one year, and I had owned this particular iPhone for one year and six days. Meaning I was SOL. So I had one of three options

* Cancel my contract, pay $175 and go to another provider where I would have to pay a minimum of $200 for a new phone and sign a new two-year contract

* Suffer with my existing iPhone for another 6 months until I could upgrade for free

* Suck it up and pay $500 for a new Phone that actually, oh, I don’t know…WORKED.

Any guesses as to which one I chose?

That’s right boys and girls, I paid through the nose for a new phone. And what did I get? (Geez, I’m such a sheep).

I got another iPhone. I really don’t like the iPhone all that much, but there just isn’t another phone out there yet that has the flexibility and utility of this stupid piece of overpriced, overdesigned, and really over-hyped equipment. At least this one has more memory, a faster processor, and is blissfully absent the propensity of hanging up on me and/or failing to delivery my voicemails than my old iPhone 3G. (Not that anybody ever calls me unless they want something from me, but, you know…) Also note that I have since loaded a thoroughly mediocre audiobook on my iPhone for listening enjoyment in preparation for my next Open Book Audio Podcast. Oh yeah, didn’t you know? I host a podcast now with my business partner, Andrew. It’s funny, exciting, and trenchant…just like me. Oh, and humble. Don’t forget humble.

Anyway, so yeah, I got an iPhone. And I work at Microsoft. Isn’t that ironic? (Answer: No.) But at least I got it with a snazzy new case:

Now, I just need to see if I can make this phone last long enough that when, in a year and a half from now when I am ready to fire-bomb the AT&T Wireless building that I pass on my way to Dairy Queen and/or Coldstone, I will be able to a) find a better non-iPhone phone and b) not have to pay my early termination fees.

There’s a first time for everything.

Can you hear me now?

Falling off the Wagon

Food, Money, Rants, Resolutions 1 Response »

Sep 272009

I think it’s fairly safe to say that, over the last couple of months, I’ve fallen off the wagon. Or, more accurately, I’ve fallen off pretty much every wagon on which I was riding. Let’s discuss:

***
Last weekend, my diet consisted of the following:

* 3 Pints of Haggen Dazs Fleur de Sel Caramel Ice Cream
* 2/3 of a bag of Doritos
* 2 Bowls of Cereal
* 1 Bowl of Beef Stew

The three days leading up to the weekend, I ate aT Arby’s, Wendy’s, Dairy Queen, and Jack in the Box.

***

I recently discovered that both of my credit cards that I still have open have decided to increase my credit limit. One by $500 (to $2,000), another by $4,500. This initiated the great spending orgy of 2009, in which I redecorated my apartment, bought a new computer, and spent $1,700 on a CD duplication system for my audiobook business which, to this point, hasn’t made any money.

***

As a result of my inability to control myself when it comes to credit cards, I will now have to spend my entire savings account to get myself mostly back out of credit card debt.

***

As mentioned before, I bought a new computer, thus breaking one of my resolutions for the year. I convinced myself that I was needed…again, for the business which still hasn’t made any money.

***

Yeah…this should be a pretty fun Resolution Tracking entry for the month of September..

What the HELL is wrong with me? Seriously? Where was I when they were handing out self-control, and why didn’t anyone save me any?

Rolling down the…Lake?

Luke The Dog, Money, Pictures, Ramblings, The Technology Whore 7 Responses »

Jul 192009

As you will know if you’ve read my blog often, I live on a lake. I’ve lived here for over two years, now, and nearly every day, I take a five-second stroll across the parking lot and I see this:

As a result, I have been pining for one of these (Canadian Flag Optional):

Actually, pining is not the right word. Longing with lust, desperation, and envy. Sitting on the dock with my dog burning with envy over the people who come out, pull our their boats, and look like they’re having the time of their lives. However, there’s one big problem with me wanting to own a boat. Well, there are several, but the main problem is that I drive this:

It may be a sporty little car, but a boat-towing vehicle it ain’t. It’s also relatively difficult to fit this inside:

Listen, he’s cute and all, but an 80-pound wet dog in the back seat of 2-door compact car isn’t particularly endearing, you know? Have you ever had a dog shake off the water in his fur next to you? Now imagine that inside a Honda Civic Coupe. Plus, he sheds like a fiend, which means that after I’ve had him in the car one time, I basically can’t have anyone else in the car until I spend $30 getting it vacuumed out. Taking all of these things into consideration, I’ve decided that it’s nearly time for me to upgrade from this:

To This:

or this:

or most likely, this (it’s even the right color…barn not included):

That’s right. After driving compact cars for well over a decade, I’ve finally decided it’s time for Matt to own a truck. Gas prices be damned, insurance costs be damned, I am tired of driving puny little cars. I want to sit above the road. I want my car to be capable of driving up a hill. I want to be able to go over a speed bump without having to slow down to 1/2 a mile an hour and then STILL bottom out. I want a vehicle capable of holding a wet dog, power tools from home depot, furniture, and a load of mulch, all while towing my 22’ power boat. Granted, the only one of those things I currently have is the wet dog, but it’s all about the foundational building blocks. I can’t get the boat without the truck. I can’t get the power tools without the truck. Hell, I can’t even barely shop for groceries and get them all to fit in my car. Plus, my bankruptcy doesn’t come off my credit record for another few years, but when it does, I’m going to want to buy a place, and I’m going to need to remodel it and/or furnish it. That’ll require a truck.

Here’s a perfect example of how I have convinced myself that a truck purchase is justified: A few months ago, I bought a brand new grill for my patio. This one, in fact:

Let me tell you something: you don’t ever want to try to carry home a big-ole’ stainless steel grill in a Honda Civic Coupe. I spent 30 minutes out in the parking lot trying to get all the parts into my car. I had to disassemble the box, get rid of all the styrofoam, pack the parts around the back seat and in the front seat (I had to hold some of the parts on my lap while I drove), and I had to wedge the grill portion into my tiny little trunk. Then I had to go back into the store to figure out a way to keep the trunk lid closed while I drove. It was ugly. Getting it out was even worse. I actually ripped the foam around my trunk and scratched the rear bumper trying to dislodge the grill when I got it home. And no, I was not willing to get a stupid little hibachi just because I had a small vehicle. What do you think I am? A savage?

And let’s not even talk about what I had to go through to get my Christmas tree home last year. Let’s just say that the Dukes of Hazard ain’t got nothing on my car entry skills. The difference is that General Lee has windows large enough for someone with a 32” waist to fit through, whereas Samantha (my civic) does not.

Yes, I know it’s overkill for my five minute commute to work, and for tooling around town. But I don’t care. I want to rebel against the granola-eating, Birkenstock-with-sock wearing, neck-beard sporting tree huggers that infest the Pacific Northwest with their jalopy bicycles and Toyota Priuses. Plus, let’s be honest, I’ve got to have something masculine to counteract the effects of belting showtunes at the top of my lungs while I drive. Nothing says manly more than when a Ford F-150 meets the soundtrack to “The Secret Garden.”

So, here’s the plan. I’m nearly done paying off my credit cards, and that should be completed shortly. Now that I’ve got a goal, I’ve got something to save toward. I’m going to spend the next five months squirreling away every single penny I can. I’m cutting back. I got a very substantial raise recently, but I am also lowering my expenditures. I just lowered my monthly bills by $75 by ditching Comcast and switching to Verizon Fios (WOOHOO!). My diet is keeping me from eating out but once a week. I’m busting my butt on opening the Open Book Audio store, to start selling the really awesome audiobooks that I’ve been working on almost non-stop since I got back from vacation. I’m not spending on frivolous things, like I normally do. I’ve cut back on the number of discs I get from my Netflix Queue. I’m even making shopping lists for the first time in years just to help alleviate having to make multiple trips.

The day after Thanksgiving, I’m going to take my saved-up money (which I’m estimating will be at least a 25% down payment on a new vehicle) to either the Nissan, Toyota, or Ford Dealership, and I’m going to trade in Samantha to get Brutus. Then, I’m doing to drive from the dealership over to Home Depot where I’m going to get my brand new Christmas tree, and I’m going to have the guys just “throw it in the back of the truck.”

It’ll be awesome. I’m sure once I have this truck, I’ll start grunting more. I’ll starting using the word “Dude” as a punctuation mark. I will find the need to eat more red meat. I will fart and burp in public without being ashamed. I start wolf-whistling at women out my window. I will start driving like a douchebag in traffic…because I can. Heck, maybe my voice will even drop half an octave or something.

…

Now do you see what happens when I try to go a whole year without buying a computer?

In Room Jacuzzi

Funny, Luke The Dog, Money, Vacations and Road Trips, Work 1 Response »

Jun 262009

So, when I decided I wanted to go vacation, I did what I normally do. I decided to start my vacation on a Friday and finish it on a Tuesday a week and a half later, so as to take advantage of not one, but two, weekends. I know…the brilliance that is me simply can’t be beaten. I was going to drive down to Utah from Seattle, which is about a 13-hour drive. I decided at the last minute (i.e., Wednesday night) that, rather than wait until early on Friday morning to drive down, attempting to accomplish the entire drive in a single trip, I would instead leave immediately after work on Thursday (today), drive half way, stay in a hotel along the way, and finish the second half of the trip on Friday morning, thus allowing me to travel at a much more leisurely pace, avoid the nasty traffic on a Friday morning around Seattle, and get to Utah earlier in the day.

I had previously decided that Luke was going to be taken to the Boarder’s on Thursday morning…even if I had decided I was still going to leave on Sunday. It just breaks my heart to leave him there, because he always gives me that really wounded look when I walk away and leave him behind. I’m sure he had forgotten about me completed within 30 seconds. That’s the only reason I only mildly wracked with guilt.

Anyhow, I decided that I was going to leave work a little early, and right before I was scheduled to take off, the team at work came and gave me a pie and a congratulations card for finishing my MBA. It was really nice. (It was a weird day at work. We have a set of twins on the team, and it was their birthday. Farrah Fawcett died, Michael Jackson died, I got a new laptop 30 minutes before the end of the day (it’s pretty sweet), and then I left for vacation.

So, I left work at 4, went home to grab my guitar, my camera, and the remainder of my luggage, loaded up the car, and went back in to do a once over to make sure all the lights were off. I decided just as I was leaving the apartment that it would be a good idea to empty out Luke’s water bowl. I didn’t need scummy, stagnant water growing mold and breeding mosquitoes while I was out of town. As soon as I emptied Luke’s water bowl, I heard the sound of water falling in a place it shouldn’t be. I opened the cupboard under the sink, and the garbage disposal was leaking all over the inside of the cabinet. Apparently, if you just run the tap it’s fine. But if you inundate the drain with a large batch of liquid, it overflows! Awesome. So I cleaned up that mess, ran to the office to tell them about the problem, and hopped in the car.

As I was heading toward the freeway, I realized that I didn’t have my prescription sunglasses with me…I had left them at the office. So, I turned around, went back to work, got my sunglasses, and FINALLY, an hour and a half later, took off.

The road trip was non-descript. I am listening to a somewhat entertaining audiobook called Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office. It’s definitely a “chick book,” but there are several parts that are funny as hell, and I’ve been laughing out loud several times during the trip. Makes the time just fly by.

On the first leg of the trip, I made it from Redmond to Baker City, Oregon. There aren’t a lot of good hotels here, but it was 11:45PM, and I was getting a little tired…particularly considering that I got up at 6AM and didn’t have customary two daily naps. I pulled off at a Super 8 Motel for a room.

The Super 8 Motel in Baker City, Oregon should be completely ashamed of itself. I would like to know how a SUPER 8 can justify charging $115 for a room on a Thursday night in the middle of Timbuktu, Oregon? SERIOUSLY? A Super 8. $115? And that’s with my AAA discount. But I needed a place to sleep, and the next nearest town was another hour away, so here I am. The room does have an in-room Jacuzzi, though. And when I say “in-room,” I really mean in-room. I’m laying on my bed right now, and I can reach out with my leg and touch the edge of the in-room Jacuzzi with my feet.

Not only is this fabulous hotel room the height of class, it’s also decorated in a truly fabulous mauve and teal motif circa 1988 featuring blond wood furniture with plastic brass-colored trim. Now all I need are a few slap bracelets, my BK Knights, and an envelope of Fun Dip, and I’ll be good to go. (It’s truly one of the ugliest hotel rooms I’ve ever stayed in…and that included the little hotel that I stayed at in San Simeon, California that was decorated entirely in non-matching shades of pink and smelled like month-old Curry.

So to the Super 8 Motel in Baker City, Oregon, I give you a fail. The hallways obviously haven’t been vacuumed in years. The rooms are ugly. The bed is uncomfortable. You don’t even have a fake continental breakfast. You put the hot tub actually IN the room. And you charge me $115 a night for the privilege. I think I’ll pee the bed just to spite you.

Older Entries Newer Entries

Places I’m Not Allowed to Go

Tax Returns, How I Love Thee…

A Call for Charities

In Which I Beat Myself Up for Monetary Stupidity

OJ, Money, and Sleeping: A Week In Review

Losing My Voice

Et Tu, iPhone

Falling off the Wagon

Rolling down the…Lake?

In Room Jacuzzi

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