As I’ve mentioned in earlier blog posts, I’ve been spending a fair bit of time writing a book over the last month or so. It’s a memoir covering the first thirty years of my life.  I’m not sure if I will ever release it to the public (it’s pretty stinky right now), but it’s been a good exercise in shutting off my internal editor and in sticking with a project.  I’m about 60K works into the book (about 240 pages) and I’m only about half of the way through what I want to talk about in the book.  I’m really enjoying the process of writing, though, and the further along I get, the most enjoyable the process itself becomes.

What I have found most valuable about writing this book, however, is a chance to analyze my life through the lens of time.  And when I manage to chronicle those aspects of my life that I find to be of great import—those experiences that I remember and hold on to both mentally and emotionally—I begin to see certain patterns emerging.  It really is a fascinating experience.  For better or for worse I have, over the years, formed a pretty stubborn mental picture of who I am as a person.  You only have to go back through my old blog posts over the last eight years to put together that mental picture of your own.  (Side note: I have been blogging for EIGHT. YEARS.  That’s insane.)

As I’ve started examining my formative experiences and memories as part of this memoir, though, I am beginning to see how deeply my self-painted portrait has been affected by one very specific character trait: my desperate desire to receive approval from everyone.  I can go chapter by chapter of my memoir, reading story after story, and I am constantly awestruck.  The life I have lived, which I would not consider a particularly happy one, would have been so much more enjoyable and fulfilling had I been strong enough or stable enough to follow my own road without worrying about others’ opinions of me.  So many of my emotional stumbling blocks were built by decades of trying to fit my own idea of someone else’s opinion of what I should be–an opinion that, had I been able to look at it objectively, wasn’t anything at all like what I thought it was.

But I’m getting a little too “meta” here.  An example:

I like to crochet.  I learned how to crochet when I was probably five or six years old—possibly earlier.  It was something I was really interested in.  My mom taught me—despite not really knowing that much about crocheting herself.  I had a large denim bag full of all different kinds of yarn that I would carry around with me.  I had crochet needles, and knitting needles, and weaving looms.  I started learning to sew when I was around seven years old. I really liked all of these things.  But as I grew older, I stopped doing them.  Not because I enjoyed them any less, but because I started going to school, spending time with other children, and realizing that crocheting wasn’t something that other boys did. 

My denim bag of yarn was lost to the ages.  We moved to Michigan when I was nine, and I didn’t pick up a skein of yarn for another 15 years.  I had allowed my concern over what other people would say about me to have so much control that it caused me to stop doing something I truly enjoyed.  It was so important that I was liked and popular that I would never allow myself to do something out of the ordinary like that.  Ironically, by not being myself and failing to ever really achieve my perfect mental image of what I should be, I managed to make myself even less popular, less liked.  I couldn’t be myself, and I couldn’t be anyone else, so I just was.

It wasn’t until I was many, many years older, and started working at the Hale Centre Theatre in West Valley that I picked up my crochet needle again.  In the long hours at rehearsal where you weren’t doing anything, but you needed to pay enough attention not to miss an entrance or cue, I would sit in the corner of the room and crochet squares for afghans that I was making to send to my family.  I felt safe doing that in rehearsals because, let’s face it—if there’s ever a group of people who understand what it’s like to bean outsider, it’s theater people.  Most of the boys are gay, most of the women are uber-pretty but super-smart (a very unpopular combination) and almost every single person is a little off-center in one way or another.  Nobody mocked my yarn and needle.  Instead, someone would come up to me and ask, “Are you knitting?” Or, “I didn’t know you could crochet.  What are you making?”  Nobody cared.  And a few of my family members got afghans out of it.

But I never took my crocheting out, for instance, when I was sitting on an airplane to fly home.  That wasn’t a safe environment. I didn’t want to have to deal with people who thought it was a little “fruity” that some guy was crocheting on the plane. Yeah, it’s an uncommon sight—for a man to be crocheting. But I knew that if I crocheted on a plane, someone would make fun of me for it.  I don’t know why that bothered me so much.  I don’t know why I cared so much that some person I didn’t know, and who I would never see again, would think less of me as a person because I happened to be crocheting on an airplane.  But I did.  So I wouldn’t.

In the last few months, I’ve been picking up a lot of my Home Ec. skills again.  I bought a sewing machine and made curtains and my own clothes.  I’ve been baking more than Sara Lee.  I’ve been decorating like I was trying out for a show on HGTV.  And tonight, I picked up a skein of yarn and a size G crochet needle and started working on another blanket.  And for a while, I thought, “Man, I’m glad I’m alone at home so I can do something I enjoy.”

Lightning bolt.

Why, in the name of all that’s good and holy, can’t I crochet wherever the hell I want to?  Why couldn’t I go sit in the crocheting group that meets at the local fabric store for two hours every Saturday if I want to?  Who cares if I was the only guy there?  Sure, it’s a little different, but so what?

And the funny thing is that, for as much worrying as I do about my “sissy” hobbies and how they make me look, they’re not that big of a deal.  I have a male co-worker in his late 50s who told his wife that I had been teaching myself how to sew again.  She mentioned that she really liked sewing, and he replied that he didn’t even know how to turn on a sewing machine, let alone make clothing.  She offered to show him how the machine worked, and he played around with it. The next day at work, he said that it was actually fun, and he enjoyed learning how to sew a little.

The head maintenance guy at my apartment complex was in the office when I took Luke the Dog™ over to get his daily cookie, and I mentioned that I was crocheting.  He’s a rough and tumble guy from Texas who does appliance repair and building maintenance for a living.  He drives a beat-up pickup truck.  And he asked me if I could show him the pattern that I was using, because he wanted to start crocheting again too.  Color me surprised.

I have another group of friends who create amazing costumes and props, and dress up to go to the comic, sci-fi, fantasy, and steam punk conventions.  They play dungeons and dragons, video games, take photos, make movies, and always have a great time.  And their hobbies are a little outside of the ordinary.  But they are some of the happiest, friendliest, and most fun people I’ve ever had the opportunity to spend time with.  And they don’t care at all.  They do what they love, and they’re happy.  I do what I love, and for most of my life, I’ve been embarrassed or ashamed, and I’ve been unhappy. 

I have spent such a huge portion of my life trying to be what the cultural zeitgeist says I should be as a thirty-something male.  First, I tried being a 30-something Mormon male.  Then I tried being a 30-something Gay male.  Well you know what?  I’m Matt.  I’m sick and tired of trying to be this idea of a person that has nothing to do with who I am.  I am tired of feeling like a failure because I fell short of an ideal that isn’t all that unique, special, or beautiful to begin with.  I’m tired of hiding my true personality, skills, talents, and abilities because somehow, along the way, I developed this crazy idea that the things I like to do aren’t socially acceptable or, more importantly, that it matters whether they are socially acceptable or not.

To quote the Broadway musical, La Cage Aux Folles:

It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."

I am what I am,
And what I am needs no excuses.

I will never like sports.  I like building things and carpentry, but I also like crocheting and sewing clothes.  I’m a balding redhead who still has dreams of playing the romantic role in a musical.  I don’t like alcohol.  I am attracted to men.  I can bake better than almost anyone you know.  I write and sing syrupy music that I really like.  I like being outside, but I really like sleeping in my bed.  I’m pale and a little chubby. I don’t like loud crowds or going out.  I want to learn how to shoot a gun.  I like staying at home alone or spending time with a small group of friends.  I don’t know how to fall in love in a healthy way.  I’m intellectually smart, and emotionally stupid.  I geek out over computer games like a 12-year-old.  I’m a nerd. I like to garden. I’m a good conversationalist.  I’m a pretty good writer. 

I am not a stereotype. And I’m not a failure because I’m not a stereotype.  And if the world doesn’t like it, the world can bite me.  I don’t care what you think anymore.

 

In case you were one of the 3,493 people who wished me happy birthday on Facebook, via email, or over the phone, I did, in fact, have my birthday this week.  On Thursday.

It started off with the realization that on my next birthday, my IQ, Waist Size, and Age will all be the same number.

*rim shot*

But seriously, this year’s birthday was not so much fun, I have to say.  I went to work for the first half of the day.  I had originally planned to take the whole day off and have some fun.  But mandatory work meetings cropped up, so I rolled into the office and did my due diligence.  (I’m such a dedicated employee…)

At lunch time, I took off for the day, and went to putter around in my garden for a little while.  I did a tiny little bit of weeding, and watered the place, then I harvested another plastic grocery bag full of lettuce.  I was bringing the salad to a little dinner gathering with some friends on Friday, and I wasn’t going to have time to harvest it then, so I had to get it the day before.  Then I took a nap, woke up, took Luke for his walk, and then got ready for my big birthday evening.

A month ago, I had purchased tickets for the first night of the new stage version of Disney’s Aladdin.  They’re doing an out-of-town tryout to see if it’s something they’d like to workshop for Broadway.  Plus, I had a friend from college who had come out to Seattle to be in the show, so I wanted to go and support her.  I was going with another friend of mine who used to be my next-door neighbor.  He was going to get out of work at 6:30, then we were going to drive into the city to get dinner and see the show.

Well, his assistant over-booked him with clients, so he wasn’t able to get to my place to pick me up until about 7:15.  At that point, we had to rush to get into the city, park, and pick up the tickets before the 8PM curtain.  So, we ended up not getting any dinner.

I realize I may hurt some feelings with what I’m about to write next, but the show was really bad.  Really bad.  First the good, though.  The cast had some of the best voices I’ve heard on stage in a long time.  Everyone (with one major exception) sang quite well.  The guy who played the genie was amazing.  He saved the show.  The production values and lighting were spectacular.  The big problem was the script.  Apparently, they were still doing rewrites up until the day of the show.  And they still REALLY don’t have it. 

I understand that when you adapt a movie to the stage, you have to make some changes.  I totally get it, and I don’t begrudge them the changes.  However, they changed the basic personalities of the major characters.  Instead of being a smart-alec street rat who does, in fact, break the law on purpose, they turned the new Aladdin into this after-school special who just wants to do good because he promised his mom  he would before she died.  (I mean, really.)  Jafar became this poncey, effeminate joker who didn’t provide any menace at all.  (There was no real, scary bad guy).  Jasmine was a spoiled brat with no real, redeeming qualities. And, most painfully, instead of being palled up with a monkey, Aladdin was a member of a band of street musicians, who served as a sort of Greek chorus.  That, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but the other three members of the “band” completely pulled you out of the story.  The writers went the cheap direction, bringing in all sorts of modern references when the chorus broke the 4th wall.  An typical example:

Band Mate #1: So, Aladdin was in trouble.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Band Mate #2: What are you talking about?  There’s no ranch here?
Band Mate #3: I’ve got some Hidden Valley (pulls out a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch).

What made Aladdin the movie so effective was that it was immersive.  The characters grew and changed. Even though the actual scenario was fantastic, the character’s reactions to it were based in reality and grounded thoroughly.  The soul of the film was completely massacred by the script for the stage version.  And the acting style was SO OVER THE TOP.  With the exception of the genie, there was no subtlety at all.  It was like watching a theme-park show version of Aladdin.  And I didn’t for one moment believe the relationship between Jasmine and Aladdin.  Watching them “fall in love” was like watching a 14-year-old gay boy dancing with a girl for the first time at a church dance.  (And trust me, I know what that looks like.)

I would love to see Aladdin make it to Broadway, but NOT this version of Aladdin.  It was painful.  Apologies to my friend who was in the show.  I wish I could be more complementary about the whole thing.  I will say that the cast was quite good (except for Jasmine) and, if the script was re-written, I really think the show could do well.

In any case, we finished the show, and then went to look for a place to eat, and everything was closed.  Even Denny’s.  AND IHOP.  I thought those restaurants never closed.  So, my big birthday dinner was eaten in truck in the parking lot of Wendy’s.  And I’m thankful to my friend who took me there, but it was just a little disappointing.

The biggest problem was that, for the first time in a long, long time, I really fell into a birthday pity party.  I’ve been actively trying not to evaluate my life too much lately.  I’m trying to get out of my head and just enjoy my life as it is.  And I’ve been relatively successful.  It’s the reason why the number of blog posts I write has dwindled so significantly.  Without complaining about my loneliness or lack of a partner, I don’t have a lot to talk about.  But after the show, I got into one of those ever-dangerous contemplative mood pockets. 

This is the first big professional show that I’ve seen since I retired from performing.  It was also the first time that the desire to quit my job and go back to performing hit me so hard.  It was a real, physical pain in my chest.  I spent half of the intermission nearly hyperventilating when I thought that I would have to back to work and sit in that little office in front of a computer all day long, every day for the rest of my life.  I wanted nothing more than to go back to my hotel room, stay up until 2AM, sleep in until 10 or 11, go to the gym, then go back to the theater at 5:00 for another show and repeat it for the next two months before moving somewhere else and starting the whole process over again. 

Then, after I got home, I fell into the “I’m So Lonely” hole of which I seem to be constantly skirting the edges.  My mind spiraled into this black hole of thought that usually goes something like this:

* I’m so lonely.  I need to find someone to share my life with
* I don’t know how to even go about finding someone.  It’s a skill I never learned
* Even if I did know, it wouldn’t matter, because I am so fat and ugly
* I’m going to be fat and ugly forever, which means I’ll never find anyone
* And because I’ll never find anyone, I’ll never learn how to find someone
* Etc., etc., etc.

Look: I’m not saying its logical.  Or even correct.  And I’m certainly not saying it’s a healthy train of thought.  But it is the train of though to which I seem to have purchased a season pass.  It was particularly bad that night, however, because I was realizing that, at the age of 33, there are so many things I have never experienced.  And, the older I get, the less and less likely it is that I will ever get a chance to experience them.  I was freaking out, because in a lot of ways, I’m still an emotional adolescent. 

And then, to wrap it all up, Luke the dog woke me up at 5AM on Friday morning to run outside, eat grass, and puke.  It was the perfect end to the perfect day, pretty much all the way around.

The crankiness of the day has mostly passed, and I used my wallowing as an opportunity to develop a bit of a game-plan for dealing with some of the unhappiness that engulfed me on Thursday.  I’m re-initiating my weight-loss/healthy eating/exercise regimen, since that’s one area that I actually can control.  And next year, I’m going to do a better job of planning my birthday.  Unless someone else wants to volunteer, in which case, just make sure I don’t get any alone time with my thoughts.

“Lefew I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.”
”A dangerous pasttime”
”I know.”

 

I know.  It’s been too long since I last wrote.  I know this because I couldn’t remember what I wrote about last time, so I had to go to my blog website to remind myself.  It’s a sign that I’m going too long between entries.  But, over the last several months, I’ve come to a not-entirely-startling conclusion: I’m one boring guy.  I mean, seriously.  Even I make me yawn.  Ever since I settled down into the life of a middle-aged spinster, not much happens in my life that is worth displaying, splay-legged, across the internet.  My life is no longer Lady Marmalade. Gitchy gitchy ya ya blah blah is more like it.

I just don’t have very much going on in my life these days that is different than it was a week ago, or a month ago, or even a year ago.  My daily routine doesn’t change.  Neither has the weather, come to think of it.  I weigh a little bit more, have a little bit less money.  None of my vices result in crazy 140 mph drives of a windy canyon guard rail with a blood alcohol level of .196.  In fact, my two main vices results in a little more weight and a little less money. 

When your days are all pretty much the same, it’s difficult to come up with something worth discussing on a public forum.  Granted, not that a lack of anything interesting has kept me from posting on my blog before, but one can only complain about one’s live so much before people stop reading your blog and start perusing Damn You Autocorrect instead.

IMG_20110622_193436

The one little bright ray of metaphorical sunshine in my life, especially considering the lack of real sunshine in my life, is my garden.  In the photo above, my plot of land lies between the rows of marigolds on each side, and all the way back to those little white plastic thingies all the way in the back.  There’s also about 2 feet cut off the front of the garden because I couldn’t fit it into the shot with my crappy cell phone camera.  (If this rain ever stops, I want to take my real camera out to the garden and get some good shots.)

My original garden plan has been altered by slugs, rabbits, deer, moles, voles, and my uncontrollable desire to try growing pretty much anything and everything.  Currently growing or pending growth (just planted as seed)are the following: Parsley, Cilantro, Thyme, Chives, Carrots (to replace the Radishes), Kohlrabi, Butter Lettuce, Shelling Peas, Show Peas, Fingerling Potatoes, Leeks, String Beans, Drying Beans, Red Sail Lettuce, Peppers (hot and sweet), Eggplant, Tomatoes, Watermelon, Zucchini, Cucumber, Spaghetti Squash, and Corn.

In the last several weeks, I have truly come to believe that most of us have lost a very primal and important part of ourselves by becoming so removed from growing our own food and, perhaps more importantly, actually having to put physical effort into doing so.  In my day job, I sit behind a desk and often feel impotent to influence or improve some of the problems that I deal with on a daily basis as part of my job.  I star at a computer screen for 8-10 hours a day completely removed from “reality.”  Yeah, it pays the bills, but it’s not real.  At the end of the day, it’s hard to point to any one thing and say, “I did that.  That was me.”

It’s one of the reasons I admire people who create things.  My friend Bill, besides being a great photographer, is an amazing builder of props and costumes.  (As is his wife, Brittany.)  Recently, Bill built this prop of a weapon from World of Warcraft entirely from scratch.

image

(Photo by Bill Doran.  You can read the making-of post here.)

Now granted, giant, life-sized replicas of weapons from a fantasy-based computer role-playing game may not be your thing, but you can’t argue that being able to build something like this from nothing is pretty darn impressive. 

That’s how I’ve come to feel about my garden.  I’ve put a LOT of work into this 400 square feet of land over the last two months.  And I’ve really enjoyed almost every part of it.  (I still loathe weeding, mom.  So getting older still didn’t help me mature into loving that.)  And when I’m done, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.  I find that after a long day of mental taxation, I can’t turn off my brain.  Working in the garden has become almost like meditation for me.  I get to sweat a little bit, spend time outdoors, get re-connected with the dirt (because we boys never grow out of playing in the mud), and leave the launch schedules, software bugs, and status reports behind.

And, I have something real to show for it!  Last Sunday, I harvested three gallon-sized bags full of beautiful lettuce from my garden.  I gave two bags of it away, and just finished the third bag tonight.  I’ve eaten more vegetables in the last week than I have in the previous three months put together…unless you consider French fries a vegetable.  Did you know that lettuce actually has a flavor if you eat it shortly after it’s picked?  I didn’t.  But it does.  It doesn’t just taste like crunchy water, but it actually tastes like something.  It’s hard to describe, so I’ll give into a circular definition and say that it tastes like lettuce.

imageI think the real problem is, however, that I was simply born into the wrong time period.  I should have been born in the time where I could be a gentleman farmer.  I could hire skads of servants to work the fields for me while I meandered through the rows of vegetables writing poetry in my head, designing the new addition to my mansion, and developing new strains of plants that two hundred years later, suburban gardeners would pay through the nose for because they were now “heirlooms.”  Besides, I don’t care what anyone says, I’d look smashing in knee-high stockings and knickers.  I have fantastic calves.

Instead, however, I’ll have to put aside my fantasy of being a gentleman farmer and instead make do with being a gardening program manager.  It doesn’t have the same ring or romance, but it does have So You Think You Can Dance and pizza delivery.  It’s a trade-off.  And perhaps if I ask nicely, Bill will let me borrow his warglaive when it comes time to harvest my garden in the fall…

 

So for the last three months, I've been trying something a little unusual.  I've been trying to live within my means.  I let my cleaning lady go, I cut back my Netflix subscription and Gamefly subscription.  My grocery visits are cheaper.  I'm not eating out as much.  I don't go shopping anymore. 

I'm not sure why I've managed to be more successful this time around than times in the past, but knock on wood, I hope it sticks.  I'm finding it frustrating  not to go out and buy what I want when I want it.  My tennis shoes have sprung an air leak, and make a squeaky toy noise every time I set on my left foot, but I'm not getting new shoes.  My jeans are starting to get a little frayed along the back of the cuff, but I'm not getting new jeans.  Toy Story 3 is out on Blu-Ray, but I haven't gotten it yet.  Part of me feels vaguely panicked about the fact that all of this stuff that I want is available and I'm not getting it.

However, a much larger and much more urgent part of me is panicked because I have almost nothing in my savings account.  I took a pay cut when I took my new job, because I felt like the environment was going to be better for my mental health, and it certainly is.  But I went from living comfortably, to having much less financial padding than I used to.   I'm really living check to check.  And I'm desperate to get at least a three-month emergency fund in place as soon as possible.  So, it's back to frugality.

(Let it be known…I'm not complaining about this.  I know many, many, many people have it a whole lot worse than I do.  I'm thrilled that I have a job I like with people I like in an area I like, and that it allows me to live as comfortably as I do.)

As of Friday, I will have managed to put away my first $1,000 in savings.  That's a huge milestone for me.  (And I'm going to celebrate by buying a computer!  KIDDING!)  I don't know that I've ever been able to save that much money all at once.  And I did it by just being moderately responsible.  Quel surprise!  At this rate, I should have my emergency fund in place in about three and a half years.

(I was going to try and put a transition in here, but it's late…so just trust me that I'll tie this back into my commentary above.)

I opted not to vote this election cycle.   There were a lot of reasons for this, but one of the biggest ones is that for nearly every election in which I could vote, I had to choose between two candidates who represented the worst extremes of the political spectrum, and I simply could not, in good conscience, lend my support to either. 

The biggest and most divisive issue in this election season has been money.   One party believes that we need to continue to spend money to get ourselves out of this economic quagmire that we are in.  The other believes that government spending is out of control, and they want to slash spending and lower taxes.  The problem is that they're both wrong, and they're both right.

The simple fact of the matter is that, as a country, we simply do not know how to live within our means.  We have set a standard of governmental living that we can't support.  We are faced with either slashing major programs such as Medicare, Social Security, and Defense so severely as to completely re-write the definition of these programs, or raising taxes to the extend that we can afford them.  To paraphrase a link posted by WhiteEyebrows, a friend of mine and a reader of the blog, we either need to keep the programs we have and find a way to pay the price, or we need to cut the programs we have, and find a way to pay the price.  But either way, the day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Unfortunately, the positions of the two parties in this election are based so deeply in dogmatic fantasy that a productive dialogue is simply not possible.  Democrats are promising that programs will not be cut, but taxes won't be raised.  We obviously can't afford that.  And Republicans are claiming that they want to cut taxes and slash government spending by as much as 40% without touching Soc. Security, Medicare, and Defense.  Never mind that it's mathematically impossible to make cuts those large without affecting the big three programs.

For me, the real approach is to find the middle ground.  Obviously, we need to cut spending significantly and deeply.  There's a lot of bureaucracy and waste that can be wheedled out, and I think many programs need to be cut back or eliminated.  The big three WILL be affected, to the collective detriment of everyone.  Even then, we will still need to raise taxes to pay for what's left.  And I'm okay with that, as long as I could have some guarantee that my tax dollars would be used wisely.  (I know, I know.  It's impossible to guarantee that.  But we're talking theoreticals here.)

But nobody is out there saying this.  And if they were, they'd be laughed off the podium.  Instead, the airwaves are full of politicians who are so desperate to discredit their opponents that they don't even bother to state their own positions.  The only thing I know about Dino Rossi's positions I have learned through attack ads from Patty Murray.  And the only thing I know about Patty Murray's positions I learned by watching Rossi's attack ads.  Neither candidate can possibly run on their own merit, because neither candidate has enough merit to actually warrant running for office.  It's election of the lesser evil again.

Here's the deal, guys.  As an individual, I managed to rack up a lot of debt.  The time has come to pay the piper, and I'm working really hard at doing just that.  But I have to do it the hard way.  Because I started making less money, I had to cut my expenses.  And I had to cut things that, a year ago, I would have deemed as necessities.  But I learned that I could live without them, and I am doing all right.  Things may not be as rosy as I wish, but I'm still thriving on less. But I also know that, without bringing in more money, this process will be interminable.  I can save my $400-$500 a month and hopefully get enough saved up that I can breathe a sigh of relief in case something happens.  But it's going to take years to get there.  So, I start looking for ways to make additional money.  Maybe I put in several extra hours of work every evening and on the weekends to build a new business from scratch.  Maybe I have to start selling things that I own to save up a little more.   And if I can combine those two, then I'll finally be able to balance my budget, and get out of debt. 

The macroeconomy is no more or less difficult to solve than my own personal microeconomy.  The government has to start doing what nearly every American family has had to do over the last several years:  Start making some hard, difficult cuts.  Cut things that you think that you need.  You'll be surprised what you can live without when you have to.  At the same time, start making some more money.  For the government, that means raising taxes.  It will be unpopular, it may slow economic recovery, but it HAS to be done.  As an individual, I've spent too much time living free with my budgets, and now I'm paying the price.  The country is no different. 

As long as we have nothing but multi-millionaires sporting ad budgets worth  hundreds of millions of dollars for attack ads managing our money, it's not surprising that they don't understand this concept.  They've never had to struggle to live within their means when they've had unlimited means for most of their lives.  When we can finally get a politician in place who has enough common sense to recognize, understand, and enact this simple scenario that American households have to face on a daily basis, that politician will win my vote and my support.

Today is election day, and if you vote, I hope you vote with your head and with solid facts.  Don't vote for an (R) or a (D) just because they are an (R) or a (D).  Vote for a person, a platform, real ideas–and not the coloration of those ideas from the opposite side.  And if you choose not to vote because you can't support your candidates, I salute you as well. If you didn't vote because you're lazy, you suck.

 

As you are certainly aware, today is the 9th anniversary of that fateful day in September on which the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York fell, the pentagon was attacked, and United Flight 93 crashed in the middle of a field because its passengers were willing to sacrifice themselves to save the lives of others. It was a horrible event, to be certain.  In the nine years since, however, collective America seems to have learned the wrong lessons from that fateful day on which so many people lost their lives.  

This morning, when I awoke, I picked up my iPad as I do every morning, and scrolled through the Facebook status updates and Tweets that had been posted since I had gone to bed the night before.  Among them, I found this one, posted by one of my Facebook friends:

This is such an outrage! Never forget and never lose passion for those who've lost life, loved ones, and security. On this date America was attacked by hate. Let the courage from victims, rescue teams, and response efforts inspire us. Never forget!

With all due respect to my friend, this statement bothered me greatly.  What happened on September 11th was a tragedy, without question.  That thousands and thousands of people should lose their lives due to the hate of a few religious fanatics is tragic.  And horribly sad.  But an outrage?

The final, official death toll of the September 11th attacks was 2,996, and that includes the 19 hijackers.  Fewer than 3000 people.  Granted, 3000 people is a lot of people, and the effects of those lost lives was felt by exponentially more.  Compare that, however, with the 1994 Rwandan Genocide.  In that genocide it is estimated that 800,000 people died.  In one year, in one small African nation, 267 times more people than died in the September 11th attacks were ruthlessly slaughtered because they belonged to the wrong tribe.

But even still, is the Rwandan Massacre an outrage?  Or is it a tragedy of even more epic proportions?

In the America that has evolved in the last near-decade, our country appears to have forgotten that outrages and tragedies are not the same thing.  Far from being a mere semantic argument, the emotions that feed and support a tragedy are far different than the ones that supports an outrage.  A tragedy encompasses heartbreak and sadness, support and honor.  An outrage is dressed in garments of hate, anger, and vengeance.  One leads to us come together, knit ties of love and support, and to honor those who made massive personal sacrifices in order to help others in the midst of the devastation.  The other leads us to make harsh actions, lash out, judge others unfairly and incorrectly, and seek a vengeance that we can not and will not ever be able to truly achieve.  In the process we end up causing even more harm to ourselves than was caused to us by the "outrage" to begin with.

Shortly after the September 11th attacks, the United states opened its "War on Terror" by attacking Iraq.  Since the start of that war on March 19th, 2003, the official death count of that war is 31,929 American lives.  (Some unofficial counts are over three times higher)  We have sent nearly 32,000 American soldiers and civilians to their deaths to fight a war against an ideal.  A war which we have not and can not win.  A war which has, in the long run, only damaged our standing in the world, provided terrorists with recruiting ammunition, and cost us more than 10 times the number of lives that we originally started this war over. 

But the true outrage of September 11th isn't that it happened, but rather, what we as Americans have allowed ourselves to become because it happened.  We have become a nation of hate.  We have allowed the loud-mouthed bigots and ignoramuses to set the tenor of the national debate in this country for far too long.  We are a country where the freedom of speech is one of the most cherished of virtues and as a result, we have seen how the outrage of September 11th has turned an entire generation of Americans into narrow-minded, ignorant, mean-spirited hate mongers, intent on blaming an entire religion for the actions of a few members.  We have seen a megalomaniacal preacher threaten to blaspheme the holy scriptures of that religion in order to prove some point that even he isn't capable of articulating.  We have seen throngs of people trying to block the construction of a Islamic community center near the site of the September 11th tragedy even though you can't even see the site from ground zero.

As a nation, we have glossed over the tragedy of September 11th, and moved immediately into the outrage of the happening.  We have festered and stewed over it for nearly a decade.  We have sent tens of thousands of our young men and women to die over our desire for revenge.  And we have done absolutely nothing toward preventing such a thing from ever happening again.  We were attacked by hate, which turned us to hate, and caused us to attack in hate, which turns them to hate even more, and the cycle is endless. 

At some point in this cycle, one side or another will need to be willing to let go of the hate and outrage of our endless spiral of violence and vengeance, or we will eventually destroy each other.  America is supposed to be the land of the free, a land built on a higher ideal and with a greater purpose.  Perhaps it is we, as Americans, who should take the first step toward breaking this cycle with something other than bigotry, hate, and violence. 

The tragedy of September 11th is heart-rending.  And it will continue to be so.  But as we near the decade mark from that loss of life, let us look at the past events of that horrific day not as a fuel for our outrage, but as a reminder that we as a nation need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of love, acceptance, and peace.  We allowed the attacks of September 11th to lower our great nation to the same level as the terrorists.  It's time to pick ourselves up out of the dirt, leave the cycle of outrage behind, and try to build a world where tragedy and outrage are not the same things.  Only then will we win over our enemies, and only then may we ever see a glimmer of peace.  And if we fail in that, we will fail to find peace.

And that would be a real outrage.

 

So, apparently, I haven’t been "sick."  I’ve been "allergic."  At least that’s what my very nice new family practice doctor believes.

Today, I had an experience that I haven’t experienced for well over 7 years:  I was able to use health insurance provided by my workplace to pay for my medical expenses.  I had to make a $20 co-pay for my office visit and a $10 co-pay for each of my two prescriptions.  All told, I walked out of my Doctor’s appointment today spending $40.

If I had gone to the Doctor’s office three weeks ago, I would have had to pay $125 for the doctor’s visit ($265 without the discount for being uninsured), an extra $40 for the strep test they ran, $78 dollars for one prescription, and $93 for the other.  Coming to a grand total of $336. 

And moreover, when the doctor suggested that I go get properly tested for allergies, I didn’t brush him off automatically, like I normally would.  You see, my insurance will cover the cost…except for $20.  And if I out that I’m actually allergic to something (other than exercise and eating healthily) then my insurance will cover that too!

And, for the first time since I was 17 years old, I actually have a family doctor!  I didn’t have to go to some emergency walk-in clinic or urgent care!

See, I had insurance before I started this job.  I was paying $150 a month for the insurance…and I got, essentially, nothing for it.  I had to spend $1850 out of pocket before my insurance would kick in.  Do you kn ow how many times over the last seven years I should have gone to the doctor but didn’t because I couldn’t afford it?  I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because I didn’t have $3,500 of available credit on my credit card to pay for whatever was wrong this time around.

Look, I don’t argue that the problems with the health care system go far above and beyond the cost and availability of health insurance.  And I know that health insurance and health care aren’t necessarily the same thing.  But do you know grateful I was that I could go to the doctor today, get two prescriptions, and come home to get healthy?  I have spent so many nights of my life lying awake, coughing so hard I was certain I was going to die, and absolutely unwilling to go to the doctor because it was either get antibiotics or pay my rent.

In an "enlightened" society, that should NEVER have to be a choice that anyone should ever have to make.  People should not have to choose between shelter and health care.  I’m just extremely blessed that I have been a mostly-healthy person over the last decade of my life.  I can’t imagine what would have become of me if I had developed a serious illness.

I hope that, eventually, we as a country, and as a world, will be able to figure out a way to provide the same kind of worry-free health care to all people, not just the ones who are either rich enough to buy it or lucky enough to have jobs that provide it.  Until that day, I’m so grateful that I am one of the lucky ones.

 

If you turn on the TV in my house, chances are that you’re going to find that the last time it was turned on, it was on one of two channels: Food Network or HGTV.  Of the two, I used to be a big fan of Food Network, until the network decided that it was more interested in food entertainment than it was in food instruction.  The whole reason I used to watch the network is so that I could learn to cook from classically trained, highly respected chefs with impeccable understanding of the science and technique of cooking.  (Good Eats, Sarah’s Secrets, Molto Mario, etc.)  I mean, I learned how to cook by watching these shows. 

Now, instead of having informational and instructional television, they fill it up with Unwrapped, Iron Chef, Chopped, Dinner:Impossible, Throwdown, Food Network Challenge, The Next Food Network Star, and Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.  Instead of teaching us how to cook, they teach us that a headband and a snooty British accent means that you have what it takes to judge a cake building competition.  Instead of the Sarah Moltens and Mario Batalis, we have the Neeleys, Brian Boitano, and Sandra Lee–people who may have a personality, but can’t really teach you much about the technique of cooking because they think it’s okay to make mixed drinks out of crushed kiwi, vodka, melon liqueur, and juice from a jar of jalapeno peppers.

Side Note: If you’ve ever seen Semi-Insane: With Sandra Lee, I’d suggest you read this hysterical article.  Best Line–in reference to Sandra’s Kwanzaa Cake: "It’s like being sodomized by the sugar plum fairy."

So, instead of watching Food Network twenty four-seven liked I used to, I am now a fan of HGTV (motto: Why make our own TV Shows when we can just buy them from Canada?)  All of the American-produced HGTV shows are stupid competition shows or shows like Selling New York, which just follows around a bunch of agents selling ludicrously over-priced property to excruciatingly wealthy jackasses with gigantic egos. (Which isn’t surprising, since HGTV is owned by the same parent company as Food Network.  Apparently, Scripps is more interested in making the food and real estate equivalents of Flavor of Love than in programming content that is actually watchable) 

However, more than half of HGTV’s premiere programming is purchased from Canadian production companies.  Apparently, Canadians don’t have enough to do during their frigid winters, so when they’re bored, they remodel their homes.  And they’re good enough at it that they can actually teach others how to do it.  Divine Design, Sarah’s House, The Unsellables, Property Virgins, and Income Property all grace major spots in the network’s prime time lineup.  But the Canadian-produced show that stands head and shoulders above them all is Holmes on Homes.  

In HoH, Mike Holmes is a contractor who goes into situations where contractors have given their customers the royal screw job, completely undoes the damage caused by these yahoos, and then fixes it.   He helps them oot.  (Get it?  Oot?  ‘Cause he’s Canadian?  Oh, never mind.)  (Seriously.  Where’s your sense of humor?) 

Mike’s Motto is "Make It Right."  His whole message centers around the fact that, if you spend the time and money to do it right the first time, then you won’t have to go back and fix it up later.  It’s always cheaper and easier in the long run to just do what it takes to make it right than it is to bandage it.

I started watching this show about three weeks ago because nothing was on and instantly I was hooked.  I grew up around construction.  My dad was a construction manager for most of my formative years, and I used to go to his office with him, or occasionally tour his job sites as they were in progress.  For 7 1/2 of the 8 years we spent in our house in Albion, it was under renovation.  So watching shows like this make me nostalgic in a way.  I still watch This Old House or Hometime whenever I come across them (although I miss Joanne Liebeler).

There’s something very different about this show, though.  Mike is a gruff, brash guy who can come off as pretty intimidating.  But you can tell by watching him that he loves what he does, and he demands excellence from both himself and his crew.  He never takes the easy way out and he never does the job half-way.  Everything that he does on the show proves that he takes a great deal of pride in the work that he does.  It’s inspiring to see someone care so much about the quality of their work.  Inspiring and increasingly rare.

Among craftsmen, there seems to be a theme of taking pride in your work.  My father, who now builds multi-million dollar buildings for a living does it.  My brother-in-law, a project manager for a large construction company does it.  My uncle, who also builds buildings and, in his spare time, is an excellent wood worker, takes pride in his work.  My grandfather, an architect, does it.  My great uncle the plastic surgeon took pride in his work.  Even the cleaning woman who comes to my apartment once a week cares deeply about her work and wants to make sure that she’s done the best she can do.   

This concept, however, seems to be slipping away outside of the skilled trades.  For those of us who work in an office, doing the same thing day in and day out, it’s hard to take pride in your work when there’s nothing tangible to show for it.  In my job, for instance, I have become a digital janitor.  Among my assigned responsibilities, I’ve been tasked with cleaning up incorrectly entered data.  I write my SQL queries, develop my processes, send out my weekly and monthly reports, but no matter what I do, tomorrow I’m going to walk into the office and there will be new messes for me to clean up.  I’m never "done."  I never have a product that I can look back on with pride and say, "I did that.  And I did it right."

In the absence of a tangible, visible result of your efforts, it’s extremely difficult to take pride in your work.  It’s hard to take a step back and say, "I’m proud of what I’ve contributed."  And that difficulty shows regularly in the modern workplace.  People try to get away with doing the absolute minimum possible.  They take as many sick days as they can.  Rather than doing any work and taking ownership of the problems, they delegate all responsibility. 

As I’ve watched Mike Holmes and his crew looking over a complete abortion of remodeling job, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer stupidity, laziness, incompetence, and fraudulence of the previous contractors, I see them survey the situation, evaluate their options, make a plan of action, roll up their sleeves, and get to work.  They don’t whine about how hard it is.  They don’t attempt to cover up the mistakes and polish a turd.  They make it right.

(I realize that this is a television show, and for all I know, they really could be doing a crappy job, but it’s the concept I’m going after here, so just go with me here.)

Our inability to take pride in our work shows, in my opinion, a greater shortcoming in our cultural aptitude overall.  As a culture, we are increasingly unable to stick with something when it gets hard.  How many people get divorced because one spouse or another just gave up instead of trying to make it work?  How many people start suing anyone with a wallet when something in their life goes wrong rather than pulling themselves up by the bootstraps and making it right?  How many people play the lottery hoping that they’ll hit it big instead of working hard and saving?  How many people wallow in situations that they can’t stand rather than getting to work to do something about it?

As a culture, I feel as though we’ve forgotten what it means to take pride in our work.  Back in the day, when you were the only carpenter or blacksmith or baker around, you lived with and relied on your customers, just as they lived with and relied on you.  If you did a crappy job, word got around, and you lost your livelihood.  Your value in the community dropped, and your ability to support yourself and your family suffered as a result.

Take, for example, the US auto industry.  This American Life recently chronicled an auto manufacturing plant in California called Nuumi. (This was one of the most engaging hours of radio to which I have ever listened.  I’d suggest you listen if you get a chance.)  The Nuumi plant was widely acknowledged as one of the worst plants in all of  GM’s manufacturing lines.  It was inefficient, mismanaged, and full of illegal activity.  Workers would drink on the job, have sex in the break rooms, and often, just not show up for work at all.  Many times, the management of the plant would go to the bar across the street to find enough (drunk) people to fill in just so they could keep the line operating. 

The number one rule of the factory was "never stop the line."  People got injured, you never stopped the line.  Engines got installed backward, you never stopped the line.  Workers would watch minor mistakes go by on the line, but you never stopped the line.  As a result, car after car would roll off the assembly line full of defects and mistakes.  Rather than fixing the mistakes on the line or developing ways to improve performances, the workforce simply settled into an operational rut and did the same brainless action over and over again.

Unsurprisingly, most of the cars that rolled off the line at the plant were full of defects.  Many of them were so screwed up, they’d have to be towed off the line and out into the holding lot for repairs.  Then, they would be taken apart and fixed…often by people who didn’t actually know how to fix the problems.  As a result, the quality of the cars put out at the plant was abysmal.  It was the direct result of people, from the person tightening the bolts on the wheels to the head of the plant not caring about the quality of the work that they did.  Thirty years later, we look at what once was the largest and most successful automobile company in the world, and they’re barely struggling to survive.  What a surprise.

In the modern world of cubicles and email, we are so divorced from our customers that it is almost as if we’ve forgotten how important it is to do our job and do it splendidly.  More importantly, we’ve forgotten how good it can feel when we do our job to the best of our ability.  Pride in your work, once part of your "benefits package" doesn’t count for anything anymore.  Our tasks have become so much less vital to our daily survival that the importance factor has ratcheted down significantly.  When you’re living in Washington state, and your customer is a 14 year old boy in Switzerland who wants to download the movie Booty Call in German, it’s hard to want to put in the extra effort to do it the right way the first time.  And when you live in a world where it becomes more important to report on what you’re doing than it is to actually do it, it’s hard even to find the time to do the job the right way.

As I’ve contemplated this pattern in our modern society, I’ve tried to watch those people who take pride in their work and determine how they’re doing it.  I’m not talking about the people who politic their way up the corporate ladder or play all the right games to get the big salary and the corner office.  I’m talking about the people who come into the office every day with, pardon the pun, workman-like regularity.  The ones who do their jobs every day, and who make sure that they’ve left their work world a little better off after they were done.

I know I do my work responsibility well.  But I’ve not really figured out how to do a better job of taking pride in the work that I do.  What I do isn’t world-changing.  I never get to interact with my customers and see how my actions affect them directly.  The nature of the work I do means that, even if I’ve fixed all the problems today, tomorrow when I go to work the same challenges and frustrations will exist.  I will never have some multi-million dollar building to point out as I’m driving along the freeway as being the direct result of my labors.  I can’t bring someone to my office to to show them what I do.  So I need to find other ways to take pride in my work.

I’m proud of the fact that, in six months, I’ve only missed 1/2 a day of work due to illness.  I take pride in the fact that, if someone asks me to do something, I do it, and on time.  I take pride in the fact that I show up to work on time, show up to my meetings on time, and get my job done.  I take pride in the fact that I continue to learn and expand my knowledge, and that I’ve found ways to apply that knowledge which will affect the way my team does its job long after I’m gone.  I take pride in the fact that I have a deep understanding of the way our systems work, and others call on me regularly to help explain functionality and test issues.

I may not be building a hospital, or bringing a family back into their home after months and years of construction nightmares. I may not have anything tangible to show for my work.  But I want to make sure that, no matter what I do, I want to make it right.

 

I have struggled to manage my personal finances for the last decade…and mighty has been the struggle thereof.  Education was not the problem.  I knew I shouldn't be charging up the credit cards.  I knew I should be saving and investing my money.  No, education wasn't the problem.  Self-control was the problem.  I knew what I should and shouldn't be doing, but I also knew that, really, I deserved the things I was buying.  Or, more accurately, I completely convinced myself that, not only did I deserve them, but I needed them.

As part of my continuing path toward developing better financial self control, I listen to podcasts about money issues.  In one recent episode, I heard an interview between two columnists from financial publications talking about the state of the financial system.  Over the last several months, the economy has begun to pick up again, after two and a half years of a very bad recession–the kind of recession that has the power to change people's financial behavior.  These two columnists, who were supposed to be in a point-counterpoint type of argument, were discussing what changes we could expect to see from the general public following this recession.  They both agreed that there really aren't going to be any lasting changes in behavior as a result of one of the worst financial meltdowns in American history.  The savings rate went up for a little while, but it was always one of the lowest in the world, and it's already started back down again.  Wall Street has already started recklessly throwing their money around again–doing risky things with it and pissing it away on massive salaries and bonuses.  People who call into the show are already starting to ask about whether it would be a good idea to take out a HELOC (Home Equity Line of Credit) to buy something they don't need.  Credit card spending was down, but it's starting to rise again.  And all of this despite a nationwide unemployment rate of well over 9%.

I've thought a lot about this financial crisis over the last few years.  I actually predicted the burst of the housing bubble in this post about four months before it happened.  It has been interesting to watch, both from the point of view of an MBA student learning about the financial system, but also as a person who has a good job, lives in a nice location largely unaffected by the recession, and who was entirely unscathed by the financial system.  I didn't have anything invested at the time of the market collapse, so really, I've benefitted quite a bit.  I was able to invest money when the market was at the bottom.  I bought low.  So, my perspective of the financial crisis is different from someone who was affected directly.  And I've been thinking a lot about the causes–not the economic causes, because those are fairly well understood.  Rather, I'm more interested in the social causes.  What made the culture buy the houses they couldn't afford?  What made the culture spend insane amounts of money in credit card debt that they couldn't repay?  What caused the Wall Street culture to gamble so flagrantly with other people's money?

Over the last 100 years, the nature of being a working man has changed significantly.  For much of history, a person's career path was determined by the career path of their parents.  So much so that family names were often determined by what a person's family did (e.g., Smith, Cooper).  And that was only for those fortunate enough to have a family career path.  Many had to resort to simply picking up whatever day labor they could or, in extreme cases, selling themselves on the street.  Many of the people who came to this country in the early stages of its development came as indentured servants or, far worse, slaves.

In an environment such as this, work had a very different meaning than it does today.  Much like those whose marriages are arranged and never have the opportunity to choose their spouses, many men and women in history never got the choice to be what they wanted to be.  Their path was established for them before they were born, and there was precious little opportunity to diverge from that path.  It is likely that, in most cases, the simple fact that choices for alternatives didn't exist actually helped people to enjoy their work–they knew that they would continue to do the work they knew, and they found ways to adapt.  Or, they simply lived in ignorance that something "better" was out there.  And in the case of the workman of the past, it's quite possible that ignorance really was bliss.

But something began to happen in the workforce around the time of the industrial revolution, and exploded after the conclusion of World War II.  The working economy changed, and education became so readily available that people began to see other alternatives than the life established by their parents.  People began to expand and move past the well-established family farms and businesses.  The rise of the office worker and the death of the agrarian and manufacturing economy in the United States helped to expedite the departure from ancestral employment.

Along with, or perhaps as a result of, the increase in employment flexibility and education over the last century, a great change has taken place in the way we talk about work with our children.  No longer do we assume that a child is born into a line of work or a station in life.  Instead, there is constant reassurance that "you can be anything you want to be."  That message is everywhere.  It's repeated like a mantra in children's programming.  It's preached from the pulpit of the public schools.  It's built into the fairy-tale endings of nearly every form of popular media.  It's even preached (far more insidiously) in the realm of higher education.  I can vividly recall my professors in college telling me, "It doesn't really matter what you study.  What's important is that you get a college degree."  The message of "you can be anything you want to be" has become thoroughly and completely ingrained into our societal subconscious.

There's only one problem with that.  It's not really true.

'Come along, Chadwick,' said Father, pulling the boy roughly by the hand. 'But Papa!' came the plaintive wail--'the cows, the cows, the cows, the cows!'
Comic courtesy of Wondermark by David Malki

The consistent repetition of the mantra "You can be whatever you want to be" is, in many ways, a great disservice to the youth of the world.  What the Sesame Streets and Musical Theatre professors of the world never tell you is that, chances are, it doesn't matter how hard you work or how hard you study–you probably won't be able to be anything you want to be.  Most people go through lives doing work that they don't particularly enjoy or care about.  Precious few find the jobs that help them to feel as though they fulfilled their calling, or that they have achieved some greater status.  The majority of people won't be rich, they won't be wildly successful, they won't be the top of their field.  They will just be normal, regular people.  They work to live, not live to work.  Some people despise every second of their working lives and can't wait for the instant they can retire.  But the collective "they" never tell you that.  The heads of youth are filled with dreams of grandeur and great possibility, and, far more dangerously, an undeserved and unearned sense of entitlement.

I have witnessed the result of this shortcoming both in myself and in others over the last 16 years of my working life.  People walk into jobs with a sense of entitlement: they will get promoted quickly or will get large raises–not because they've earned the right, but because "I can be whatever I want to be."  I have had jobs in the past where I felt as though I was being treated like cattle heading toward the slaughter or, especially in the theater, a human set piece.  And it infuriated me.  I had gone to college.  I had studied my craft.  I had worked hard.  And I knew that I deserved better.  I had jobs where I started my first day feeling as though, because I had "put in my dues" and worked hard, that I deserved respect, despite the fact that I had never done anything to earn that respect.  Workers who don't come to work, do illegal things at work, or fail to perform even the basic functions of their jobs, then scream "foul" when they are called out.

Aside from an deserved sense of entitlement, we as a society fail to explain to our youth that the natural functions of life also block off opportunity.  Ugly Betty tells us that if we just put in our dues, we'll go from being a frumpy nobody to a glamorous, beautiful, and successful person.  The Biggest Loser tells us that if we can go to "The Ranch" and get screamed at by a couple of pretty trainers for four months, we'll lose 150 pounds and win $250,000.  Well, my physical appearance means that, no matter how hard I work, I'll never look like a "leading man."  My lack of coordination means that I will never make millions playing basketball for the NBA.  The gap in my front teeth means that I'll never be asked to be a model for a toothpaste commercial.  My eyesight means that I'll never be allowed to fly an experimental jet plane for the military.  No amount of hard work, study, practice, training, or stick-to-itiveness (thanks for the word, Principle Skinner) will undo these physical obstacles.

"They" also neglect to explain the consequence of choices.  I'm not talking about the good vs. bad choices taught in Sunday School.  I'm talking about the directional choices.  The choices, not of right and wrong, but of option.  Every choice you make opens up hundreds of new avenues.  But at the same time, it also closes off millions of other avenues.  My dogged insistence on studying musical theater and my decision to pursue it for several years, meant that for the rest of my life, my work history and resume has an anomaly that I have to either minimize, rationalize, or lie about in order to make it make disappear.  It meant that, in order to become credentialed to be taken seriously for the types of jobs I wanted to have after I retired from performing, I would have to spend two years and tens of thousands of dollars getting an advanced degree.  As a result, I will be paying for my five years of musical theater for the next twenty five.  And that limits a lot of my choices.

If the point of the educational system is to prepare the youth of today to become the adults of tomorrow, I think it's time we as a culture re-evaluate the messages we are sending our children.  While I think it's a good thing to inspire the young to experiment and try new things, that experimentation needs to be coupled with blunt honesty.  People need to be told that sometimes, they're just not good enough–that they've got the wrong aptitude for what they're trying to do.  It will either spur them to improve or redirect them into more suitable paths.  Instead, we've developed a wishy-washy educational culture where there are no winners or losers, and where everyone gets an award just for showing up and participating.  A culture where you're good enough just the way you are, or where you are so sheltered from the consequences of making mistakes, you never really get an opportunity to learn and grow from those mistakes. 

The reality of the world, particularly the working world, is that sometimes, even if you work hard, your efforts will go unnoticed or unappreciated.  Sometimes, you won't get what you think you deserve.  Sometimes, nobody needs or even wants your opinion.  And sometimes they do.  Rather than teaching our culture that hard work is the avenue by which you can accomplish great things and become exactly the person you want to become, maybe we should instead teach the culture that hard work is, in and of itself, the true goal.  That building a life of peace is more important that building another giant McMansion that will end up in foreclosure the next time the stock market crashes.  That sometimes, what you have (and nothing more) is exactly the right amount.

And most of all, that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, maybe all your wildest dreams won't come true.  And that's okay.

 

So, surprise of all surprises, congress actually managed to get something accomplished.  As usual, they piddled around for half the time, lost focus so often that the entire organization could be test subjects for Ritalin, and managed to get their ethics and morals dictated to them by corporate America once again proving that most legislators care more about getting re-elected than they do for enacting what they honestly feel is best for the American people.  The healthcare bill is a giant mess…but at least congress managed to pass something.  A ringing endorsement if ever I heard it.

Unlike most Americans, I don’t any strong feelings about health care reform one way or the other.  I believe, for many reasons, that we desperately need some health care reform in this country.  I also believe that forcing people to get insurance that they may not be able to afford (and penalizing them for not getting it) is ludicrous.  Throughout this whole process, I’ve stayed uninvolved, because I’m not entirely sure how I feel about what’s going on or where I stand.  It’s not that I don’t care about the outcome, I just haven’t figured out how I feel about the various methods proposed to get us to the various outcomes.  I do have, nonetheless, some random thoughts about the whole thing. 

I want to preface my random thoughts with an anecdote: I have a beautiful little niece who has some special needs.  She is the sweetest, most loving little girl in the world, and I love her to death.  But mere months after her birth, Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Utah cancelled this beautiful child’s health insurance policy for a ludicrous (and in my opinion, fraudulent, reason).  They left a young couple, with one parent still in school, with tens of thousands of dollars in debt because, essentially, Blue Cross saw the bills start to pile up with no diagnosis.  They found some way to simply cancel the insurance that her parents were paying for because they realized they were never going to make any money from a kid with health issue.  (And according to my nieces pediatricians, Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield did this exact same offensive behavior with alarming regularity.)  They left her parents with no recourse, no money, no way to care for one of the most wonderful children you would ever meet.  And worst of all, they left the burden for caring for this child with an undiagnosed pre-existing condition on the state.  When they cancelled her insurance, they basically ensured that my niece would never again be able to get insurance for the rest of her life, despite the fact that neither she nor her parents had done anything wrong.  This, obviously, shapes my opinion on the state of health care a great deal.

Now, my random thoughts.

Random Thought #1 – None of this hoopla about rules and regulations, new laws, and death panels would be necessary if the insurance companies, malpractice lawyers, and health care providers of this country were a little less interested in lining their wallets and a little more interested in helping people.  I’m not saying that companies and people shouldn’t be adequately compensated, but when you’re more concerned about improving profits over last quarter in order to keep your stock price high for your shareholders than you are about covering a 6-month-old baby with unknown developmental disabilities, then we have a problem.  SHAME ON YOU Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  FOR SHAME.

Random Thought #2 – When it was announced that health care legislation was passed, Twitter and Facebook lit up with indignation like I’ve never seen before.  I don’t mind people having strong opinions…even strong opinions that disagree with my own.  I don’t need to live my life in a world where everyone agrees with me.  But I can’t help but wonder how many of those people who bemoaned the fact that this law passed ever bothered to research the bill beyond what they heard on Fox News or NPR.  How many of them wrote an email or a letter to their congressman or senator?  How many of them marched in a rally or attended a town hall meeting?  If you hate the law so much, then why didn’t you try to do anything to stop it?  If you didn’t try, then you need to shut up about it.  You had your chance to make your voice heard. 

For instance, I find the anti-gay marriage laws (like prop 8) to be absolutely infuriating, discriminatory, and offensive.  And, for understandable reasons, these feelings are deeply held.  But I didn’t write any law-makers.  I didn’t march in any parades.  So until I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is and make my voice heard, then I have no room to speak.  Even though the US is a Republic (i.e., we elect people to represent us), we are a republic founded upon democratic ideals.  If you don’t like something, make your voice heard to the people who represent you.  It’s your responsibility as a citizen.  If you don’t make your voice heard, then you have no right to complain when laws get passed that you don’t like.  If you did make your voice heard, good for you…even if we disagree on the outcome.  YOU can keep complaining.

Random Thought #3 – While I believe that reforming health care is important, I’m not a fan of any legislation that "forces" people to get health care that they may not be able to afford.  The problem is that you can’t apply a specific formula to all people.  Can I afford to spend 10% of my income on health care?  Yeah…it would be tight, but I could do it.  Could I spent 15%?  Barely.  How about 20%?  Not a chance.  But I’m a single man with no children in good health.  I make pretty good money.  I’m already paying about 5% of my income for health insurance and you know what I get from that?  I get a policy that has a $1,850 deductible, and after that, I still have to pay 20% co-pay on most of my doctor’s visits.  I do not have dental insurance.  I don’t have vision insurance.  If I get sick, I generally don’t go to the doctor, because I really don’t have an extra $2,000 a year to spend on top of the 5% of my income that I’m already spending.  If I were to spent 10%, I’d get a policy with a $1250 deductible and 15% co-pay.  In all honesty, I’d be better off with nothing but catastrophic coverage and just paying for it out of pocket.  I basically have to pay all my medical care out of pocket anyway since I never reach my deductible.  The 5% I’m paying now isn’t even worth it.  I might as well be paying nothing and saving that extra 5%. 

Moreover, I’m just not a fan of the Government telling me what to do.  I pay my taxes.  I don’t break the laws.  I don’t want to be forced to spend money I don’t have on insurance I can’t afford in order to have a piece of paper that says I’m covered when, in reality, I’m only covered if I’m sick or injured enough that I’m probably going to die anyway.

Random Thought #4 – I saw a tweet earlier today that summed up my feelings pretty well.  It needed to be translated because it was written in text speak, but the gist of the quote was, "If we are forced to pay for health care reform, the beneficiaries should be forced to face drug tests, and penalties should be applied to those unwilling to quit cigarettes, drugs, or drinking."  As a 31-year-old man who is only VERY slightly overweight, walks at least two miles every single day, eats relatively healthily, has never smokes, drinks, or does drugs, how can I ensure that my money isn’t going to subsidize those people who make stupid decisions.  If my insurance rates are going to go up (and I’m not saying that they are…I don’t know) I want to make sure that the money I’m paying in that isn’t going to help me is at least going to help those like my little niece, not some dumbass drunk driver who gets in an accident or some life-long chain smoker who gets lung cancer.  Where’s the stupid tax in this system?

Random Thought #5 – The death of centrism in politics is one of the most tragic things that can be evidenced in this whole process.  Once again, government proved that they can’t get past party lines to compromise.  It’s not the fault of the Democrats or Republicans, it’s the fault of the system.  Those in seats of power have proven once again that they are only interested in doing what’s going to keep them in office…and unfortunately, what keeps people in office is extremism.  Despite our constant cries for bipartisanship, the American people haven’t proven with their votes that they value people who can compromise in order to accomplish something.  As long as politicians think that the only way to get elected is to pander to those on the extremes of the political spectrum, we’ll never be able to pass the kinds of laws we really should pass.

Random Thought #6 – I’m appalled at the number of people who make up their mind on important issues based on what they hear in a YouTube video, on a 60-second commercials during the morning news, or on a 2-minute segment on NPR.  Nobody does any research on their own.  I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but I make it a habit not to establish my political views based on Tweets and Facebook status updates.  The days of participative governance are apparently over, and that’s sad.  When a talking head on Fox News can tell you what to believe, and you believe them without doing any research on your own, shame on YOU.

Random Thought #7 – Many of the people who complain about how expensive this health care bill is going to be are the same people who doggedly support our involvement in the "wars" in Iraq and Afghanistan for the last nine years.  If you’re so worried about cost, maybe we should stop sacrificing our citizens’ lives and throwing money away in the desert, and start using some of those hundreds of billions of dollars we’re throwing into a war against an ideal that we will never be able to win and instead refocus those countless billions into reforming the world at home. (Wow, that’s quite the run-on sentence).

Random Thought #8 – No matter how bleak things seem, the fact of the matter is that the world will not come to an end because Health Care Reform was signed into law.  Nor will the second coming of Christ be ushered in on the wings on Health Care Reform.  Chances are that this law will make next to no impact in the lives of pretty much everyone.  There are literally thousands of bad laws on the books now–some enforced, some not.  Some businesses will fail, others will succeed.  Insurance companies will still find ways to screw the little guy, lawyers will still find ways to line their pockets by suing anything that moves, and people will still get by with our without insurance.  The world will still go on turning.  Children will still starve to death every day in the third world.  People will still meet, fall in love, and get married.  And who knows, maybe ten or fifteen years down the road, we will have worked out the kinks in this new system that NOBODY truly understands, and we’ll find that this was a good thing in the long run.  We may find out that it was one of the biggest blunders in all of political history.  But I think we’ll find out that, like most things, this law had some good and some bad and probably didn’t make much difference one way or the other.  Because, in the end, it all balances out.

 

Thursday, I purchased the first piece of equipment that I’m going to need for my big Wyoming backpacking trip this summer…perhaps the most important piece of equipment: my boots.  I did a lot of research, asked my father, and settled on getting a pair of Hi-Tec Altitude IV boots.  (I almost didn’t buy them because part of me can’t abide a company that spells its name "Hi-Tec" but I figured that a 50-60 mile hike at 10,000 feet is not really a time to be sitting on my high horse about spelling and grammar. 

I want to break them in a little bit, so this weekend, I did a fair bit of walking.  Saturday, I drove about 2 hours, and also spent about an hour walking around taking pictures.  (See yesterday’s post.)  Today, I woke up and took the dog for a 3-mile walk.  Then I got home, climbed back into bed, and was just about to drift off to sleep when I got a call from my friend Bill, reminding me that we had planned on going on a hike to Cougar mountain in Bellevue.  So, I got up, strapped my boots back on, and we went for a, shall we say, invigorating six mile hike through the forest taking pictures.  Afterward, we decided to head over to Bellevue Botanical Gardens and, you guessed it, take some pictures, so we walked around for another mile or so.

Suffice it to say, my feet are a little sore.  It’s been a long time (i.e. never) since I’ve walked 10 miles in a single day. I’m exhausted.

But, I was able to snap a few pictures that I didn’t hate.  About 3/4 of the way through our hike out in the middle of the woods, we came across the corpse of an old car.  I have absolutely no idea how this car got there, because there is nothing resembling a road anywhere near here.  Most of the time, the path was only a 2-3 feet across.  The only way I could think that the car might have made it there was if it had been dropped by plane from the sky or something.  In any case, it was a pretty cool little chunk of metal in the middle of a very ferny and mossy forest, so, of course, we took lots of pictures.

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IMG_0899 One of the things that my hiking companions mentioned was the color of the green in the forest.  For those who aren’t familiar with Seattle’s greenery, it’s a different shade of green than almost anywhere else I’ve ever lived.  It’s almost electric.  And moss grows on EVERYTHING.  (I didn’t adjust the color on the photo below at all…this is exactly how it looks.)  Even in Michigan, I never saw green like this.  I guess they call it the Emerald City for a reason. 

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When I go hiking, I have a tendency to notice very small things on the ground since I’m watching where I’m going in order to prevent eating it in a giant mud puddle.  One of the more interesting finds (besides a boatload of snails and slugs) was this fungus. I’d tell you to taste the rainbow, but something about this tells me that the rainbow might just kill you.

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This is the time of year in Seattle where EVERYTHING is in bloom.  A couple of weeks ago it was just starting, but now it’s really starting to go haywire.  The Camellia, Rhododendron, Tulips, Daffodils, Jonquils, Hyacinth, Cherry Trees, Magnolias, Dogwoods–they’re all in full splendor right now.  If you can combine those flowers with a sunny day and a blue sky, the flowers just sparkle.

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So, all in all, I liked the way these photos came out far more than the ones from yesterday.  Just goes to show, I guess, that even when you have a bad day, you just keep on keeping on, and eventually you begin to find what you’re looking for.  Or something like that.  I don’t want to start crafting life-lessons from a simple hike through the woods.  If I start doing that now, imagine what a tome I’ll have to write when I get home from my Wyoming Trip in August.  And I don’t have time to write a tome. 

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