Gratitude » One Off

Goodbye 2011–The Year I Met Myself

Being Existential, Gratitude, Holidays, Ramblings 2 Responses »

Dec 312011

Okay. You’re going to need to brace yourself here. Are you sitting down? Okay, good.

2011 was a great year.

Okay? You’re back with us now? You didn’t hit your head too hard on the concrete when you passed out did you? I know, I know. It’s a surprise, but it’s true. For me, 2011 was a great year. 2011 was the year that my audiobook company finally started making money. It was the year that I finally reached the kind of work/life balance that I’ve been aiming for since I entered the workforce. It was the year that I met and talked with my neighbors, progressed at work, learned new skills, and resurrected long-neglected ones. I made lots of music, gardened, crocheted, sewed, played video games, took photos, started writing my book, cooked a lot, began working out again, and finally started learning how to live within my means. I got to welcome my beautiful new nephew into the world. I broke up with Facebook. I became an (official) manager of other people for the first time in my career. I spent time with my family, played with my dog, enjoyed the short (but beautiful) summer, lost 15 pounds, and gained it all back.

I did a lot and experienced a lot this year, but what makes 2011 such a special year for me had less to do with what I did or didn’t do, and much more to do with the tectonic shift in my attitude about my own life. For the first time in my life, I became comfortable with myself as a person. I was able to finally see past my shortcomings and appreciate my strengths. I stopped making and tracking my resolutions or goals on a monthly basis. I (largely) stopped bemoaning the fact that my life hadn’t turned out the way I expected it to. Rather than feeling lonely or left out, I began to find a great deal of comfort in my own solitude. My life became far more peaceful than it has ever been before.

A large part of that shift is related to a choice I made a few months ago to stop caring about what other people thought of me or what I do. I was able to speak my mind more freely, and not worry about how people saw me because of it. I did the things that made me happy, regardless of how doing so made me look in the eyes of others. I stopped “apologizing” for being the way that I am, and instead learned to appreciate myself. I learned that I’m awesome, and I don’t freakin’ care if you don’t think so. I discovered that I have never met anyone like me in my life, and that’s pretty cool. I finally learned to appreciate my unique skillset and personality.

If I may submit an example of this change: 2011 was one of the most musically prolific years for me since I retired from performing. My skills are rusty, my voice certainly not in top shape. Nevertheless, I stopped caring if people liked my music, and I posted it online anyway. I endured a bit of (I believe) friendly ridicule from some co-workers over the content or quality of my music. In the past, that would have torn me up, and I would have bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t any good. This time, I actually managed to let it roll off my back, and I kept doing my thing anyway. I was able to realize that not everyone will appreciate what I do, and I don’t care.

As this year quickly coasts to its close, I find myself a happier person. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m still sarcastic, a little bitter, and prone to fits of ranting. That will probably never change. But I’m learning to let it go much more quickly—to move on. Perhaps it’s maturity. Perhaps it is my comfortable isolation. Perhaps it’s a fluke. And most importantly, perhaps it doesn’t matter. I feel as though I made some important steps this year toward getting to know who I really am, and not who I thought I was or was told that I should be. Not bad for a year’s work.

To all my friends, family, co-workers, and other, anonymous readers of my blog, I wish you a very Happy New Year. May 2012 be as fulfilling for you as 2011 was for me.

A Christmas Project Follow-Up – Life is a Gift

Being Existential, Gratitude, Holidays 1 Response »

Mar 262011

A month or two before Christmas, I asked for some help from you, my loyal blog readers, for a little Christmas Project I wanted to put together. You can read the full story here but the short version of the story is that there is a young, single mother in my apartment complex with a few young children who (I got the feeling) was struggling with things. The oldest daughter was a bit of an outcast, and had let slip that the family was in rough shape financially. Thanks to some very generous help from folks who read the blog, I was able to put together a little financial gift which was left anonymously.

Since that time, I have learned several things about the young family that have struck me pretty deeply, and I wanted to share them with the people who helped me out in my little project.

Perhaps most significant, not to mention heart-rending, is that the oldest girl has brain cancer. I don't know how long she's been fighting it, but toward the end of the year, it took a turn for the worse. She has been going through pretty difficult treatments, and has lost of all her hair from the radiation. I don't know a lot of the details, but at the age of 9, at in the last couple of months, she has lost nearly all her eyesight due either to the tumors in her brain or the treatment to remove them. She's been in and out of Children's Hospital in Seattle, and right now, the prognosis isn't looking so great. I don't ever see her walking around outside anymore. She isn't able to go to school. Things are in a bad way.

For a large chunk of 2010, the mother had been unemployed. In the middle of January, she landed a job as a receptionist. I have heard that she is now working two jobs to make ends meet, but it's difficult because she has to be there to take care of her oldest daughter, not to mention the other two kids, one of whom isn't old enough to go to school yet. The mother, who is a very sweet lady, broke down in tears recently in the complex office because of the weight of everything she's trying to deal with. The more I get to know this woman, the more amazed I am at her strength and determination.

I didn't know any of this stuff when I selected this family for my little project. And I didn't know it when I handed off the small sum that we managed to put together. I only learned about some of it earlier today, and it's been haunting me (in both a good and bad way) all day long.

I am so grateful to those of you who helped me with this. I had no idea what all the family was going through when this all happened. I don't know how they felt about what was left for them. But I have to believe that it came as a help at a very difficult time.

I am so thankful that I have been so blessed to know so many generous people in my lifetime, and that you were willing to step up and help me help someone you've never met. I'm glad that I received the prompting to do this project, and you can rest assured that it will continue on in the future. And mostly, I want to publically state how grateful I am to have the things I have. This blog has often been an epic litany of complaints, but every once in a while, I get a proverbial slap in the face and realize just how good I have it. I have good and generous friends, a healthy body, money to cover my needs and many of my wants, a good job, a loving family, and so much more.

So again, thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who contributed. Know that your help went to someone who really, truly needed it in ways I couldn't even begin to understand. Much love and even greater blessings.

Matt’s Favorite Moments #1–Choreographic Styles

Being Existential, Gratitude, Reminiscing 1 Response »

Feb 222011

I’ve been in a reminiscent mood lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about some of my favorite moments in life…the ones that really stick with you forever. As I’ve been thinking about that, I realized that, while they may stick with me forever, I’ve never really put them down on “paper.” There’s no record of my favorite moments. I don’t really keep a private journal, since there are very few things that I think or feel that I don’t put on my blog. That, and I just can’t seem to keep up my journal. So, I decided that I wanted to start committing some of my favorite moments in my life down in a more (semi) permanent format.

These favorite moments aren’t ranked in order of favoriteness, just in the order I happen to choose to write them.

Matt’s Favorite Moment #1 – Choreographic Styles

I auditioned for the Music Dance Theater program three times at BYU before I got in. I always got pretty good scores on my voice, and really good scores of my acting, but my dance scores were atrocious. Really, truly atrocious. I just wasn’t a very good dancer. It’s not that I didn’t have dance inside of me, it’s just that I had never danced before. I had never taken a class. I had never done a musical that required more than a basic box step.

When I finally got into the MDT program, I was woefully behind in dance. I picked up tap dancing (not LAP dancing, Jeff) very quickly, and became extremely proficient at Tap in pretty short order. But the other forms of dance, especially jazz, modern, and ballet, came very slowly to me, if at all. I just couldn’t get my body to do what I wanted it to do. And I really couldn’t get it to do what my Advanced Jazz teacher wanted it to do. I loved watching dance, and I was extremely jealous of all those really great dancers I was surrounded by on a daily basis, but my body just wouldn’t cooperate.

On top of that, so much of my dance training was focused on technique, that I never got to experience letting go of technique and just enjoying dance for dance’s sake. I, to this day, have a notoriously poor memory for dance steps, and I would regularly freak myself right the hell out trying to remember my choreography. In instances like that, it’s hard to just let yourself go.

My Jr. Year of College, I had to take Choreographic Styles, which was taught by one of my top three favorite teachers of all time, Dave Tinney. I’ve known a lot of really amazing people in my lifetime, but Dave Tinny is my hero. He is so disgustingly talented. (I could go on, but my artistic crush on Dave Tinney will have to be the topic of another blog post.)

Choreographic styles was a unique class. It wasn’t about technique. It was about experiencing the amazing dance styles of famous choreographers and then taking those experiences and ideas, and bending them into your own choreographic works.

The first main project we had to do was to take a famous choreographer, dissect one of their well-known dances, and teach it to the rest of the class. Kim Nelson and I were assigned Michael Peters, who is best known for choreographing many of Michael Jackson’s more popular works (Thriller, Beat It, etc.) Pretty much every couple in previous sections of the class assigned Mr. Peters taught Thriller. What many people didn’t realize is that Michael Peters also choreographed one of the best “bad” movies of all time: Sister Act II. So, Kim and I decided that we wanted to teach the “Joyful, Joyful” routine from the end of the movie. It was a blast. It’s not hard choreography, but for the first time in my life, I actually knew all the steps and I had to show them to someone else, instead of me looking around like I’m lost and asking other people for help. It was a lot of fun.

The second half of the class, Dave grouped us into pairs and gave us a topic or theme. We were then supposed to choreograph our own routine to that theme in whatever style we chose. I was paired with the incomparable Nicole Riding. Nicole is one of the best singers I’ve ever had the pleasure to listen to, and grew into an absolutely jaw-dropping actress during her time in school. But I don’t think she’d be mad at me for saying that she wasn’t known for being the best dancer in the program. Nobody would have mistaken our partnership as the dynastic dance duo of the class. For the theme of our dance, Dave selected Macbeth.

Nicole and I worked our butts off on this project. We eventually settled on the Train song Hopeless off the Drops of Jupiter album, and we opted to use the “Out Damn Spot” speech from Macbeth as the inspiration for the dance. A guilty woman’s descent into madness. And then, something just clicked. For the first time since I had started dancing and taking classes, I got to make up the movement. Nicole and I spent a long time working out the choreography in class and in the living room of my apartment, and we really liked what we came up with.

On the day we were to present, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was excited. I wanted to share our creation with the class. We taught the movement to the class, and then, as was the custom in the class, the “teachers” for the day sat up front with Dave and helped to grade all of the students in the class on their performance and execution.

It was, to be a little melodramatic, a thrilling experience. (Look. I got my degree in musical theater. What did you expect? Restraint?) Nicole and I sat there watching our classmates perform our dance. I can’t speak for Nicole, but when I saw someone really hit it, it’s like our little group of steps took on a new life. I learned for the first time how dance could transcend the steps and become something more than itself. It was, well, thrilling.

After the class was over, we had several people come up to us and say what a great job we had done, including Dave. Getting praise at all in that program was pretty rare for me (I was rarely brilliant), and due to my insecurities, I drank it up like a man wandering in the desert for days on end without any water. I wasn’t the best singer, my acting was always weak, and my dance? Well, we’ve covered that. But to get praise from someone I respected as much as I respect Dave Tinney meant a lot to me. And it was the only dance class other than Tap in which I ever earned an A.

Nearly 10 years have elapsed since the time Nicole and I choreographed Macbeth to a song from Train, but I think about that experience often. And every time the song Hopeless pops up on my Zune, I’m transported back to Room 15 in the KMB, sitting on the floor against the west wall of the studio, my back against the mirror, and watching my classmates, the people with whom I had spent my entire college career, bring something I had created to life.

When viewed through the lenses of hindsight, I have come to see how influential this experience would be in the way I was to conduct my life. I learned, during that class, perhaps more than at any other time in my college career, what it means to create. That class is part of the reason why I still try to write songs, start a novel every couple of years that only lasts about 10 pages, do photography, cook, learn computer programming languages. I keep trying to find that place where one of my creations takes on a life of its own. And it’s fun. It’s fun to have your work be recognized, praised. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it makes a lasting impression.

So, thanks Nicole, for being one of the best project partners I ever had. And thanks, Dave, for being such an amazing teach and a wonderful, yet completely reluctant, role model. Choreographic styles is still one of my favorite memories of my college career, and my adult life.

What the heck is that, up in the sky?

Being Existential, Gratitude, Ramblings 2 Responses »

Feb 192011

Well, it finally happened.

No, I didn't snap, go postal, and kill all of my co-workers with a ladle, then burn down the building while I danced naked in the parking lot. (What, what?)

No, today there was this really strange bright yellow-white thing in the sky that gave light and a small amount of heat to the world. It was the strangest phenomenon. And the sky was this really unusual color…it was like a cross between green and grey. It's hard to describe. In any case, it was totally weird. But Luke seemed to like it. Come to think of it, so did I.

So, today, while that strange yellow orb slowly travelled across the strange-colored sky that was unusually devoid of clouds, Luke the dog and I took a nice long walk along the Sammamish River Trail, visited the library, and even went to Dairy Queen for lunch. (There are doggy droll streaks all down the driver's side door of my car to prove it.)

And then a nap. I can't really explain it, because it seems counter-intuitive, but I really like taking naps when that funny golden ball is floating in the sky. I seem to sleep better when that orblight is shining in my face. I live on the ground floor, so when I take my naps, I usually close the blinds, because, you know, it's really rather creepy to have people walking by your windows, looking in at you taking a nap. Especially since I sleep in the nude on top of my covers. Well, except for the pair of bejeweled, pink Minnie Mouse ears that I wear to bed every night. It just makes for some awkward interactions with my neighbors.

But today, I didn't even care. I crawled under the covers, positioned myself directly in the sole spot of orblight filtering through my window, and I'm sure I slept so hard that my neighbors could see the drool spots on my pillow from outside of the apartment. Even Luke the dog got into the napping action, curling up next to me to also bask in the orblight.

It was a nice, if extremely unusual day. I hope that nifty new orb comes back tomorrow. I always seem to be in a better mood whenever it comes around.

In other news, I'm trying to learn how to program apps for the iPhone. The language that is used to program iPhone apps is called Objective-C, and it's a beast. I'm not much of a programmer anyway. I mean, I know my way around basic website design and the like, but nobody would be hiring me to program the trajectories for the space shuttle or anything. (I suppose they could. But the results would end up being pretty humorous. Or tragic. Extremely tragic.) But I've decided that I WILL learn Objective-C. At least until another bright shiny comes along and I get roped into that. I'm thinking that my drive to learn Objective-C will probably get interrupted by a revival of either my desire to become a world-class chef and restauranteur or a famous pop songwriter. I think both of those mad desires are due to make a comeback sometime within the next six months. Or maybe I'll take up tap dance again.

In any case, things are starting to look up. The spring flowers are starting to peek up from the mud bogs. The funny yellow orb has visited. My two weeks carrying the work pager will be up on Monday, and I might actually get a whole night's uninterrupted sleep for the first time in two weeks. Luke the dog has stopped being such a jerk, I managed to buy the whole week's groceries for $35, and I got a new video game to play. Let's just hope all of this happiness can carry me through the snow storm that's predicted for this Thursday

Grateful Things

Being Existential, Family, Food, Friends, Gratitude, Holidays, Luke The Dog, Ramblings, Random, The Technology Whore, Work No Responses »

Nov 142010

As previously mentioned, I may not decorate for Thanksgiving, but I do celebrate Thanksgiving. As a natural complainer, I, of all people, need to be reminded of lucky I have been in my life. Here are a few of the things I’m grateful for:

***

I ran into one of my old co-workers today, and I was again reminded how grateful I am for my job. I’m grateful that I am able to work for a company that treats its employees more like human beings and less like expendable resources. I’m grateful that I have health insurance. I’m grateful that, despite having worked there for less than six months, and having already taken two paid days off, I have nearly two weeks of paid time off accumulated. I’m grateful that I don’t have to clock my down down to the minute, and I don’t have to get approval to leave work 15 minutes early, because there is no rigid schedule.

***

I’m grateful for living in such a beautiful area. This is beautiful, not only because of the wonderful summer weather, the beautiful scenery, and the clean air, but because of the people. Of all of the places I have ever lived, I don’t think I’ve ever lived anywhere where the people were more accepting of differences. I think it’s due to the higher education level, the extremely diverse population, and the overall liberal feel of the place, but the people here just don’t seem to get so worked up over other people’s choices.

***

I’m grateful for the Internet. I’ve basically grown up with the Internet. I started using the net regularly in 1992 when I got my very first 2400 baud modem. Since then, I’ve basically lived online. You can argue whether this is a blessing or a curse, but it has become a major part of my life—one that I would be hard pressed to live without. I’ve been able to have fun, learn new skills, get and give support, make money, spend a whole lot more money, and share the things I create. I’m grateful for that young man from Lansing who just gave me his old, leftover modem to experiment with so I could join the revolution so early. (It’s strange to think that the Internet as we know it now hasn’t even been around for 20 years yet. When I started getting online, it was using Lynx and Gopher. There weren’t any graphical websites, and certainly no such thing as e-commerce. Things move quickly in the technological age, don’t they?

***

I’m grateful for my family. We don’t live close together, and haven’t for a long time. But I still feel very close with them. I’m grateful that they love me no matter what, and that even though I make choices that they may not agree with, that doesn’t diminish their love for me or mine for them. Considering what I have seen many of my friends go through with their families, I’m not really sure how I got so lucky to have mine, but I’m glad I did.

***

I’m glad that I can write in my blog, take photos, write songs, play video games, play with the dog, record audiobooks, go shopping, cook (and eat), and do all of the other things that I do in the course of my life that bring me enjoyment. I’m grateful that I get to set my own schedule, make my own rules, and live the way I want to live. I’m grateful that I can decorate for Christmas a month early. I’m grateful for my dog, my iPad, and my Tivo. I’m grateful for a car that, in five years, has only needed oil changes, new tires, and (as of this moment) new brakes. I’m grateful for my friends.

***

I’m grateful for lots of other things too, but I think I’m going to limit my schmaltziness to this list. For now, anyway. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I felt like I had to throw in at least one Gratitude post. Last of all, I’m extremely grateful for Kaspars, the place where I have Thanksgiving dinner every years that I’m not with family. Because this is what my Thanksgiving dinner will consist of:

Carved Turkey with Rosemary, Lemon and Black Pepper Rub
Pike Place Market Ale and Honey Glazed Ham
Old Fashioned Gravy
Cranberry, Orange and Cinnamon Sauce
Annabelle’s Savory Celery, Sweet Onion & French Bread Stuffing Corn Bread Stuffing with Crispy Oysters
Whiskey Barbecue Pulled Pork
Maple Vanilla Bean Sweet Potatoes
Country Style Red Skin Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Brussels Sprouts with Shallots and Crispy Bacon
Butternut Squash, Spinach, Ricotta Cheese and Walnut Cannelloni Baked Macaroni and Cheese with Fine Herb Bread Crumb Crust
Dungeness Crab Champagne Bisque
Northwest Seafood Stew with Sun Dried Tomatoes and Basil
Black Bean and Cojito Cheese Quesadilla with Pico de Gallo
House Smoked Wild Salmon with Honey Rum Glaze
Chilled Prawn Cocktail with Horseradish Tomato Cocktail Sauce
House Smoked Penn Cove Mussels
Olive Oil Poached Albacore Tuna with Watercress and Red Bell Pepper Pesto
Roasted Cauliflower Salad with Curried Garlic Dressing
Spanish Red Snapper Escabéche Deviled Eggs with Dungeness Crabmeat Orzo Salad with Green Vegetables and Green Goddess Dressing
Caesar Salad with Focaccia Croutons and Parmesan Dressing
Thai Noodle Beef Salad with Mint, Cucumber and Lemon Dressing
Greek Vegetable Salad with Feta and Kalamata Olives
Red Cabbage and Apple Slaw with Brown Sugar Dressing
Roasted Winter Vegetable Salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette
Tomato, Basil and Fresh Mozzarella Salad
Caramelized Onion and Three Cheese Tart
Balsamic Onions with Oregon Blue Cheese
LePuy Lentil Salad with Chicken Cilantro Meatballs
Roasted Beet, Pear, Spiced Granola Salad
Ricotta Tortellini Salad with Autumn Squash and Crispy Sage Seasonal Fruit Platters
International Cheese Selection with Sesame Crackers, Focaccia, Walnut Bread, Challah, Savory Scones, Cilantro Jalapeño Corn and Bacon Muffins
Pumpkin Pie
Pecan Sweet Potato Pie
Crème Brûlée
Cranberry Tiramisu
Rustic Apple Tart
Cheesecake
Cookies
Chocolate Mousse
Banana Betty
and Many More!

Indian Summer

Being Existential, Gratitude, Holidays, Living It Up, Luke The Dog, Media, Pictures, Random, Television 1 Response »

Nov 072010

I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. What does that even mean? Just a sec…

According to the Internets:

This proverb is based on the fact that a horse’s value is determined by his age, which, in turn, can be roughly determined by an examination of his teeth. The message conveyed is that a gift should be appreciated for the thought and spirit behind it, not according to its value. St. Jerome, who never accepted payment for his writings, first used the phrase in reply to his literary critics. His exact words: "Never inspect the teeth of a gift horse."

Which doesn’t actually apply to what I wanted to write about, but never mind. Idiomatic usage trumps actual meaning always. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Anyway, what I meant to say before I rode the Google horse off into the sunset forever is that today was beautiful. Stunningly beautiful. This week, winter took a little siesta and let us enjoy just a little bit more autumn. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday it was warm and sunny. It got up to 74 on Thursday. Then, Friday and Saturday, it went back to winter: cold and rainy. Then, this morning I work up and there was sun. I suppose, if we still have to continue to practice the arcane tradition of Daylight Saving Time (note: NOT Daylight SavingS time), then a beautiful fall day is the least that could be expected in return.

I took Luke down to the park, and let him off his leash, since we were up at the butt crack of dawn (see: Daylight Saving Time). It was so nice outside, and the clouds so interesting that as soon as we got home, I loaded up my camera a tripod and went back to the park to take some pictures of the last of the fall foliage. I also wanted to use my new tripod to take some HDR photos. The picture above is one of the results of that.

Then, a couple of naps, a few loads of laundry, a loaf of homemade bread, a piece of key lime pie, another couple of dog walks, and four solid hours of video game time, I figured I should come back to the blog.

It was a very, very good day.

***

On a completely unrelated note, I wanted to revisit my blog post about giving an anonymous gift at Christmas. So, the morning after I wrote that blog post, I got an email from an old high school friend. He sent a very generous donation to my Christmas Project, but wanted to play "devil’s advocate" a bit. Basically, there were a few things that he wanted me to think on:

What if giving this family money would offend them.
I don’t KNOW for sure that they’re needy
I probably shouldn’t get other people in the complex involved because I don’t want them to become "the family that’s poor and needs help."

I had actually been thinking along those same lines, and came to a couple of conclusions. First, I agree that getting a whole bunch of other people involved, no matter how well-intentioned, probably isn’t the best of ideas. I think I’m going to rely on the good old postal service.

Secondly, I’m not going to turn it into a big production number. (I have a tendency to do that sometimes…who know that all those years in theatre would influence me so negatively?)

Third, I will include a quick message saying something along the lines of "If you can use this money to help with your holiday expenses, my only ask is that you remember this and try to ‘pay it forward’ some time in the future when you are able. if you don’t need this money, please pass it along to someone who does." Only I won’t use the phrase "pay it forward" because, for some reason, I just really hate that phrase. I think it’s from watching The Biggest Loser where it gets said 374 times each episode.

Fourth, and most importantly, I’m going to stop talking about it. I didn’t originally bring it up on the blog to toot my own horn, but mostly to see if anyone else out there wanted to help. (PS, if you want to help, read how HERE!) But, if I keep talking about it, then really, it just sounds show-offy. And goodness knows I can’t do that well enough all on my own.

***

On the recommendation of Orson Scott Card, I have started watching the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender. I have to say…I’m actually fairly impressed. I despise Anime and Anime-style shows, but I’m really enjoying this. I think that, because it is an American-made show, it helps significantly. The stories, writing, and acting are quite good. The animation style is a little primitive, but not so much so that I bothers me. If you have Netflix streaming, I’d recommend it. It’s very good, and has that Harry Potter-ish young-child-trying-to-take-on-a-task-that’s-far-too-big-for-him-and-save-the-world thing going on.

In Which I Ask for Money

Gratitude, Holidays, Living It Up, Money No Responses »

Nov 032010

So, a quick follow-up to yesterday’s post about the awesomeness that is decorating for Christmas in November: I still think Thanksgiving decorations are largely horrendous, but there’s something not quite right about decorating for Christmas when it’s sunny at 70 degrees outside, as it was today. My apartment is actually hot today.

Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that I basically didn’t leave said apartment all day long. I woke up feeling not-so-hot. Scratchy throat, headache, runny nose…you know, the general "cruds." I decided to work from home today because, well, I can do that. (Have I mentioned how much better my new job is? ) I answered emails and troubleshooted (troubleshot?) problems, did a training for several of the stations we work with, and took it easy.

I’m feeling a little better, especially after that epic late-afternoon nap, but I’ve got the stir-crazies right now. I think I understand now why Luke is always so happy to see me when I get home. At this rate, if someone I liked came over, I might spin in frantic circles and tinkle on the rug too. (Now I have guilt about leaving Luke alone in the apartment all day long.) (And a very gross mental image of me peeing on the carpet when company comes to visit.) Moving on…

In going along with my early Christmas theme this year, I am also starting my Christmas shopping early. And thanks to the joys of Amazon Prime, I will done with my Christmas shopping about fifteen minutes after my brother calls me and tells me what his family wants for Christmas.

But, the real reason I am posting this is because I’m embarking on a little project. There is a family in my apartment complex. It’s a young single mother with three children aged 8, 4, and 3. The kids are very sweet, but my heart goes out to the oldest one, especially. There are kids who you can just tell from looking at them who have a special spirit, and this little eight-year-old girl is one of them. She’s always alone, always very quiet, and very calm. Luke, who is usually indifferent toward kids, really loves this little girl. I have also heard that, at school, she is teased mercilessly, always eats her lunch alone in the principle’s office, and doesn’t really have any friends.

Several days ago, I was out walking Luke around the complex, and she came over to pet Luke. I asked her how school was going, and what she was going to be for Halloween. She said that she was going to be a witch, and then she started to get choked up a little bit. I asked her what was wrong and she said that her costume was the same one as the costume she had last year, and it was too small, but they couldn’t afford to get another costume, and she really wanted to go as a cowgirl.

I feel bad for this family. There are four people living in an apartment even smaller than mine. The three kids don’t have any other children their own age to play with. They’re struggling to make ends meet. And nothing breaks my heart faster than a little kid being mistreated by his or her schoolmates because of money.

So, this year, I’ve decided that I’m going to anonymously "sponsor" this little family in my apartment complex. I’m going to get them all the food for a big Thanksgiving meal, and then I’m going to be giving them a chunk of money to help pay for presents, and will also be doing a 12 Days of Christmas thing with them as well. I’m even going to be going to have the apartment complex staff and some of my neighbors delivering the stuff so they don’t know where it comes from. It’s going to be a BLAST! And I want to make sure that these kids have a Christmas that they won’t forget.

I’m going to be doing everything I can afford without getting myself into deeper financial trouble, however, I don’t have a lot of extra money lying around right now, so I would like to ask for a little bit of help from my friends out there in the Internets. Even $5 or $10 dollars would be a huge help. I promise that ALL of the money donated will go directly to the family.

If you would like to help me help this little family out this holiday season, I would be really, really grateful. There are a few ways that you can help out if you’d like.

If you see me in person, you can pass along any assistance (money, toys, gift certificates) to me directly.
You can mail me checks or money orders to Christmas Project, Open Book Audio, PO BOX 3304, Redmond, WA 98073. (If you have my personal mailing address, you can use that too…I just don’t want to put my personal mailing address on the internet in plain view)
You can donate via PayPal. Just send the donations to matt (at) openbookaudio dot com. In the memo area, just put "Christmas Project" so I can earmark the fundage appropriate.
If your bank does bank to bank transfers, contact me directly, and I’ll set you up with the routing and account numbers necessary to transfer some $$$ over directly.
If you’re in the area, and are able to come deliver anything to the family, that would be awesome, too. Especially on the days when I’m going to be out of town for the holidays.

So, if you’re having a hard time getting into the spirit, try helping me out with this little project. These are really good people, and the kids are sweet. I want to help them out. Thanks in advance for anything you can do to help.

The Autumnal Epiphany

Being Existential, Gratitude, Living It Up, Luke The Dog, Ramblings 1 Response »

Oct 132010

It was a long day. It wasn’t good or bad, per se, but just long. Morning came too early, lunchtime too late. 1:00PM rolled around, and I logged out of my computer, walked down the five flights of stairs, and hopped into my filthy car. I drove 15 minutes back home, unlocked my door, and said the first thing I always say when I come home:

"Hi Bubba!"

Luke the dog was, as always, waiting for me to come home again–sleeping on the rug just behind the front door. The instant my key was inserted into the lock, I could hear him spring to his feet, and at the sound of my ritual greeting, scramble around. His nails clicked furiously on the laminate flooring; a tap dancer in the midst of an enthusiastic seizure. He circled and wiggled around my legs, desperate for attention but far too excited to slow down long enough to receive any. Then, with his usual dramatic flair, he positioned himself before me and, in a single, fluid motion, went from standing on all fours to laying on his back in .23 seconds. It was his plea, even command, to me: "You must give me the tummy scritches." Of course, being the dutiful servant, I complied with my master’s request.

I grabbed a little plastic bag, some dog treats, a tennis ball, and a leash, and we walked down the parking lot. At the end, I unhooked the leash, threw the ball, and watched an ecstatic creature scrabble over the asphalt to catch the small green rolly thing that squeaks. He trotted back, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and dropped the now-slimy ball at my feet, then sat on his haunches. A quick treat and a pat on the head. Then rinse, lather, and repeat.

The air was clean, beautiful, and crisp. The crunchy yellow leaves had not yet been blown into piles and collected by the landscapers on their weekly visit, so each step, each fluid kick, sent up little explosions of yellow aspen, brown oak, and candy apple red sweet gum. When he wasn’t chasing the ball, Luke was snapping at leaves kicked up in our walk, turning to me with a triumphant smile each time his furiously snapping jaws managed to close on one of his fleeting, fluttering prey, as if to say, "Hey! Look what I did! Isn’t this great?"

We continued our walk around the complex, Luke snapping at leaves and chasing the wayward ducks who had mistaken our parking lot for part of the lake. A friendly cat came padding through the leaves, and hopped up on a first-floor balcony railing, trying to soak up the stunningly gorgeous autumn afternoon sun. Luke and I walked over. I pet the cat, and Luke put his paws up on the balcony railing, snuffling and occasionally tasting the cat. Patton, meanwhile, arched his back luxuriously, and occasionally sent a lazy swipe of the paw in Luke’s direction when he started sticking his nose in unappreciated areas.

Before long, however, the time came to return home, and then for me to return to work. We strolled around the remainder of the parking lot, pausing to sniff at every blade of grass or newly fallen leaf. Upon reaching the door of the apartment, Luke spun in four tight circles as I pulled out my keys and unlocked it to let him in. He went straight to his bowl, noisily lapped up a few mouthfuls of water, and then walked straight to the laundry room door–to the land where cookies were born.

I followed him into the kitchen, grabbed a Milk Bone and an apple, and then returned to the living room where I plopped down on the chaise. I handed the cookie to Luke, and took a bite out of the sweet, tart Honeycrisp the size of a softball. And Luke and I both crunched and smacked away at our treats, I looked out the window, seeing the last few tomatoes on the vine on my patio trying to get ripe before the first frost, saw the ducks waddling down the sidewalk, saw the leaves in every shade of green, purple, orange, red, yellow, and brown you could imagine.

I called Luke over, and touched my forehead to his while I scratched the inside of his ears and he responded with a deep, contented groan of pleasure. Then I booped him on the nose and went back to my car. On the way back to the office, I listened to some amazing music which I attempted to turn into a harmonious sing along. I pulled into the underground parking garage, locked the car, and took the elevator back up to the top floor of the building. On returning to my office, I went back to work, at which point time slowed back down to normal.

I hadn’t realized it until the moment I logged back into my computer, but that brief hour away from the office had flown by in an instant…yet I remember more about that one brief hour, 30 minutes of which were spent in the car, than I do about the remainder of my day. It’s those special days and moments that invigorate me–moments like walking through the ankle-deep leaves or finding the perfect spot to scratch on the dog’s stomach. It was 30 perfect minutes bookended by an otherwise long, drab, and frustrating day; yet somehow, it was those 30 minutes defined the entire day. The afternoon, which had been just as long, drab, and frustrating as the morning was all the more tolerable because, not only had I managed to experience 30 minutes of autumnal perfection, at 5:45PM, I knew I was going to be able to go home and do it all over again.

I have spent so much of my life fearful, angry, upset, or resentful over what I didn’t have, or couldn’t do, or didn’t like, or couldn’t stand. I get frustrated with work, furious at some inconsiderate or mean-spirited comment. I feel inadequate or stupid. I feel like a failure, a sinner, a loser, and a disappointment. Sometimes, though, a walk through a small grove of trees on a perfect autumn day with the best dog in the world is enough to remind me that man, I have it really, really good.

Happy autumn!

A quick follow up to anger

Gratitude 2 Responses »

Oct 052010

So, after a restless night and a rather tenuous day, most of my anger bottled up in my last post has burned itself out. I’m still trying to take stock and make some forward-looking choices, but I’m no longer seething…and that’s a big step forward.

I just want to say how grateful I am to the wonderful people who I have offered friendship or support. I make self-pitying comments about not having many friends all the time, and I’ve come to realize what a great insult that is to those of you who do care about me and support me…many of whom do so even though they don’t know me all that well (or I them).

I have given this one aspect of my life (and that’s all it is…ONE aspect of my life) far too much power of the person I am and the person I want to become. And I have given others’ ignorant, hurtful, and completely misinformed opinions about this one aspect of my life far too much power to affect my emotions and self-respect. My last post was written in the middle of an internal rage, not as a plea for support or attention. Nevertheless support came pouring in.

So to all of you who posted comments, IM’d me, emailed me, or left messages on Facebook, thank you. You have caused me to remember that there are good things and good people in life and that they are the ones I truly need to focus my time and efforts on.

Love you all.

(And now we’ll end the sappy, overemotional stuff for a couple of months in order to return to our regularly scheduled programming of repetitious talk about food, farmers markets, dogs, and photography.)

A Labor-Free Day

Being Existential, Food, Gratitude, Living It Up, Pictures, Ramblings No Responses »

Sep 062010

Sometimes, I think the universe just understands when I need a little break. Like this weekend, for instance.

I’ve been, not busy per se, but erstwhile occupied. I’ve been doing a lot of things I have to do instead of things I want to do and, as a result, I’ve not had much in the way of "down" time. Work has been going along well enough, and I finally feel as though I’m starting to fit into my place in the company a little more than I have previously. I’ve got my first 1-on-1 with my boss tomorrow, though, so I guess I’ll find out if my assessment of the situation matches his…

My audiobook company, Open Book Audio, has begun to change shape a little bit. Originally envisioned as an audiobook production company, my business partner and I have started morphing the company away from a production model and toward a distribution model. So, toward that end, I have been spending almost all of my non-work time in front of the computer designing and programming the new Open Book Audio store. (I keep linking them here on my blog to help drive the search engines to the site, so forgive the repetition). I’m quite pleased with the way the store has turned out, and the platform upon which the entire site, including the store, is built is an extremely flexible and easy to use one. We’ve already started listing products from other publishers, and we’re hoping to increase that number significantly over the next couple of years. We’re also in talks with the major retailers (Audible, iTunes, eMusic, etc.) to get our titles listed in those services. (It’s like pulling teeth, but we’re well on our way.)

So, Friday night, all day Saturday, and almost all day Sunday, I sat in front of my computer immersed in CSS, PHP, HTML, and LMNOP. (That last one is fake, by the way.) Last Sunday night, I finally launched the work I’d been doing for the last month, and actually went to sleep not making a mental list of the things I needed to work on tomorrow. It is extremely fortuitous that Monday was a holiday, otherwise, I wouldn’t have had much of a weekend at all.

This morning, although the weather was, shall we say, less than idyllic, I decided that it was time to have some fun for a change. So I did. I took Luke for a walk, and ate breakfast. Then, after looking through a Facebook album of one of my friends where pretty much everyone in the group of people looked like Abercrombie and Fitch models (and wore about the same amount of clothing), I decided that I would go run on the treadmill for about 30 minutes. I came back, took a shower, got dressed, unfriended my Facebook friend with the posse of buff gym rats, and then grabbed my camera.

I haven’t gone shooting in months. Too many other distractions. Work, Open Book Audio, the new piano…they didn’t leave much time for shooting pictures. This time, I decided that, rather than drive all over the place trying to find some amazing vista to photograph, I’d stay within the city limit of Redmond. I’m glad I did, because I found a beautiful little spot that I had no idea even existed.

Right near the city’s campus (city hall, police station, senior center) there’s a river trail that runs alongside the Sammamish river. Summer’s just starting to come to a close, so there are still some flowering plants, and everything’s green. I can tell that it’s going to be spectacular when fall comes, though. It was so isolated and quiet. I actually climbed across the river on that old abandoned train track you can see in the photo, and walked back up the other side of the river where I found this guy just plodding along in the river:

If you will allow me to wax grateful for a moment: I am so grateful that I moved to the Seattle area. The first year and a half were very difficult for me up here, and there are moments (October through May) where I can’t help but ask myself what I’ve done to move to a place where the sun only shines 17 days out of a year. But I love, love, love Redmond. It’s so beautiful and peaceful. It feels like a small town (albeit a very sophisticated one) with easy access to big-city accommodations. It really is the best of both worlds. Where else can you walk out your door to see a bald eagle or a great blue heron, and then drive five minutes to thousands of restaurants, art galleries, movie theaters, and more shopping than you can shake a stick at? I just wish I could afford to buy a house here. At the very least, I hope I never lose my job, because I never want to leave the Pacific Northwest. I’ve lived all over the country, and no place compares with this gorgeous, wonderful place.

Once the very relaxing photo walk was over, I came home, took a nap, made homemade pizza, a loaf of bread, and a homemade razzleberry pie. (Raspberries, Blueberries, and fresh-picked blackberries from the vines just outside my apartment). Then I watched an episode of Bones (thanks Netflix!), practiced the Maple Leaf Rag on the piano, and now here I am. Oh yeah, and I played about an hour of Angry Birds on my iPad. Fun game.

I’m the kind of person who, even when relaxing, has to be doing something. The difference between relaxing and not relaxing is whether I’m doing something I WANT to be doing or something I HAVE to be doing. And, honestly, many times, it’s the exact same activity. I just have to be in the mood for it.

In fact, the only thing about today that wasn’t perfect was that I did the unthinkable: I let my cleaning lady go today. She’s been picking up after me for over a year, and she was awesome. Unfortunately, with the new piano and some of my other bills, I just can’t justify the $240 a month I spend to have her clean my house–particularly since I’m not a very messy person. This will, unfortunately, eat into my relaxation time, but overall, I think it will be a positive change.

I’ll be posting more photos as the week goes on. I took about 400 shots, so I think I’ll have some good ones in there to play around with. In the meantime, go to http://www.openbookaudio.com/store and buy an audiobook. It’ll do you good. And while you’re doing that, I’m going to go and scoop up a bit of vanilla bean ice cream and place it over a piece of still-warm razzleberry pie. Happy Labor Day!

Older Entries

Goodbye 2011–The Year I Met Myself

A Christmas Project Follow-Up – Life is a Gift

Matt’s Favorite Moments #1–Choreographic Styles

What the heck is that, up in the sky?

Grateful Things

Indian Summer

In Which I Ask for Money

The Autumnal Epiphany

A quick follow up to anger

A Labor-Free Day

Recent Comments

Blogroll

Links

Follow Me

Archives