(You guys serious have no idea how much I have laughed at this crappy photochop over the last week.  Just expect morbidly obese Matt to start making more appearances on this blog.)

I could go on to tie in some big emotional sob story about how miserable it is eating alone and living alone and onmygosh when am I ever going to find anyone who loves me and will help me do the dishes I’m going to die from loneliness.  And on a normal day, that’s probably what I would do on a blog post.  But I’m just not in the mood.  Nevertheless, I’ve got a problem. I literally just fried a bag of sweet potato fries and put them on a plate with ketchup for dinner. 

Let me reiterate: I JUST ATE NOTHING BUT AN ENTIRE PLATE OF SWEET POTATO FRIES FOR DINNER. And yes, while sweet potatoes are technically a vegetable, and according to the people who set the rules for school lunches, so is ketchup, it just feels wrong. And, at the same time, so very right.

I still have some chicken enchiladas leftovers in the fridge.  I’ve already had them for four meals, and even though I still have half of a pan left, if I have to eat one bite more, I am fairly certain I will projectile vomit across the living room floor.  And much like my dog, I’m fairly certain that, rather than puking on the laminate floor, I’ll probably end up puking on the carpet too.

And it’s even worse that we’re in the middle of winter.  I try to eat seasonally, and as far as I’m concerned, the only vegetable in season in the winter is Rocky Road Ice Cream.  (What? Marshmallows used to be made from a plant called the Marsh Mallow.  It counts as a vegetable.  Shut up.)  I event tried going to Pinterest for ideas, but apparently, its users only ever pin baked goods, the Pioneer Woman’s Creamy Chicken Piccata recipe, and cute pancake ideas for Saturday breakfast.  (Oh, and don’t even get me started on Saturday breakfast.  The chances of me getting up and cooking a giant breakfast for myself on Saturday morning are about the same as winning the jackpot in the state lottery.  Sure, I’ll get up early, spend two hours working on a giant breakfast, and then have to spend most of the rest of the day cleaning up the mess from the breakfast that, by the time I finished making, it was nearly lunch. Great way to start off my weekend.)

So I need help. I know that there are a lot of you domestic stay-at-home mom types who read this blog. Even those of you who work often cook for families, so you have to at least pretend to make healthy food to avoid the guilt of having Shamu-sized children.  I need dinner ideas.  These dinners should be:

• Heavy on the veggies—particularly ones that I can get this time of year (e.g., no tomatoes unless in a can)
• Re-heatable
• Fairly easy/quick
• A little different than usual. I don’t think I could force one more spinach salad down my gullet.

I’m in serious trouble.  I looked over my planned menu for the next two weeks and realized that two of the three big dishes I’m going to make (I usually cook a big dinner one night and then eat it for the next four) are super-complicated and messy, and I just can’t do it.  I mean, seriously?  Who thinks, “Hm. I really like Indian Food.  I’ve never made them before, but I like it.  I think tonight, after 10 hours of work, I’m going to go through the four-hour process of making Samosas, including making the dough from scratch.  And then I’ll eat them for both lunch and dinner for the next seven days.  Because I’m sure I won’t get tired of eating spicy Indian food for 10 of my next 15 meals.”  I must have been out of my mind.  (Thanks again, Pinterest.)

Meal ideas.  Please!!!

That effing ingrown toenail will never come back again, because there won’t be a toe for it to come back on.  I’ve been looking for a use for my Sawzall ever since I bought it.  The metal-cutting blade should work, right?  While I’m waiting to determine if I will need to self-amputate my toe, I’m dealing with the results of yet another $300 visit to the podiatrist which is insurance doesn’t cover because my insurance sucks the giant ogre wankie of doom.  I’ve got an open wound on my toe where a giant boil/callus used to be, I’m spending my retirement fund on epsom salts, and lurching around the complex like Gimpy McGimperson while I am “walking” the dog—all the while wishing that I had a Hoveround.

(No, but seriously.  How much do you wish that you could just ride a mobility scooter around all day?  Not because you had to, but because you could?  That would be awesome.)

You may have noticed that I’m not writing as much lately in my blog as I have in the past.  There is, in fact, a reason for this that has absolutely nothing to do with an Obese Matt™ riding a Hoveround down the sidewalk in blue fuzzy slippers.  I haven’t written in my blog because I’ve been busy writing a book.  I started this book project back in September or October, I don’t remember exactly.  Last Sunday, I finished the first draft of the book.  Right now, it’s sitting at about 440 pages and 105,000 words.  I’m in the middle of editing the book right now, but when I edit things, I tend to make them longer. (“Hmmm.  I wasn’t very clear here.  Let me remove that one sentence and replace it with 12 paragraphs that say the same thing, but in more detail.”)

Once my edit is done, I think I’m going to ship the 593 pages of manuscript to a professional editor to make it presentable.  Then I am going to self-publish (at least initially) while I attempt to shop it to publishing houses.  I will, of course, also record the audiobook version of the title, and sell it through Open Book Audio.  I’ve had several people ask me if they could read it, and the answer is: not yet.  Right now, the structure is a complete and total train wreck.  I’ll get that fixed and do a quick once-over on proofreading, and then I’ll let select folks read it.

It was actually quite fun writing a book.  Memoirs, in general, aren’t as exciting as fiction.  But I can actually say that I have written a book.  Yay for crossing off one of my Bucket List items.  And maybe, after a lot of work, this book will actually be good enough to not be a complete and total embarrassment to all of the people in my life who tried (and failed) to teach me to be at least remotely literate and not write really long run on sentences that don’t really have much important to say.

In other news (I’m piling a bunch of unrelated stuff into a single blog post because I’ve not written anything in such a long time), I have purchased a new domain name.  Some douche nozzle has been sitting on the mattarmstrong.com domain name for years and years.  They want $1700 to sell it.  I will buy that domain name someday when money is no longer an issue for me, but not yet.  In the meantime, I purchased mattarmstrong.net and mattarmstrong.me.  Over the next several months, I’m going to be moving my entire site (including this blog) to the new addresses.  This mattarmstrongmusic.com domain will still work for a good long while, but since I’m doing so much more than music these days (and so little of that) I wanted to get a more generic domain.  Besides, when my book becomes a New York Times Bestseller, I want people to be able to find my blog more easily to partake in even more of my clever witticisms.

And except for these things, I haven’t been doing much…except orchestrating and recording a medley of Frank Wildhorn songs for a friend’s high school theater competition, transcribing the chords from a new song I discovered that I want to record, prepping a couple of new books for the Open Book Audio catalog, working a full-time job, cooking up a storm (I made Preztel Rolls the other day, and they changed my life), and crocheting two new afghans. Oh, and I’m just finishing up the final season of Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix, and I’m trying to get in about 9-12 miles on the Elliptical each week.  (I refuse to buy bigger pants.  I will give up on life and wear sweatpants to work everyday before I move up to a 36” waist.)  Oh yeah, and I got a bug to start re-learning the guitar again that will probably only last a week or two.  And I’m playing Skyrim.

Geez.  I seriously need to learn how to relax.

The last week has been interesting here in the great PNW.  This is an area that is not particularly well know for massive snow falls.  In fact, it is not uncommon to not have any snow at all during the winter.  Or at least that’s what I’m told.  Of the last five winters I have spent here, three of them have had fairly significant snowfall at least once.  In any case, about a week ago, we started hearing whispers of a mammoth winter snowstorm that would be barreling down upon us.  Soon it was all that folks could talk about.  This last Saturday, I was out in the car, and it began to snow, and it snowed hard and fast for a good while.  By the time I had gotten home from my trip, there was about an inch of snow on the ground.  Folks began to get excited.

Of course, as is often the case around here, snow doesn’t last that long.  By Sunday afternoon, all the snow had melted.  There were spits of flakes now and again, but nothing major.  But, the meteorologists told us, the big one is coming.  At work on Monday, folks began making plan for what we would do for the BIG ONE that came on Monday night.  Schools were cancelled for Tuesday morning in anticipation.  It was all that anybody was talking about.  The evening news spent 45 minutes of its 60-minute broadcast talking about snow and how bad it was going to be.

But when Tuesday morning came, I looked out the window and saw green grass.  There had been no snow overnight. At least not where I lived.  So, I went into work, a little disappointed.  I know better than to buy into that whole “excited about snow” thing (it comes from living in Michigan…the novelty wears off quickly). Nevertheless, I found myself buying into the excitement.  SNOW DAY!  So, it made working on Tuesday all the more difficult, since I had been expected not to have to go.

Tuesday night, after some more flurries here and there, the news folks were still warning about the horrendous snow storm we would be getting.  Again, the news spent 45 minutes of their hour-long broadcast talking about the snow we would be getting tomorrow.  Again, schools and businesses were announcing closures in anticipation.  And again, by the time I went to bed at midnight, the ground was still green.

Fortunately, this morning when I woke up, it was white.  We had gotten about 2 inches of snow where I live and got probably another two inches throughout the day.  A bit less than the 12-18” that had been estimated, but when it comes to snow, I’ve learned that everyone here exaggerates.  I chose to work from home because, hey, everyone else is, so why not.  I probably could have come into the office, but since nobody else was there, why bother?

Luke the Dog™ loves the snow.  That is, I believe, proof that dogs are, in fact, of significantly lower intelligence than humans.  Humans know better.  Most of them anyway. Most humans stay at home in front of a fire with a mug of hot chocolate, wrapped up in a soft blanket, and read a book.  Or watch movies. Or play video games. Or bake four dozen pretzel rolls on a whim.  There are a few mentally challenged individuals, most of the men, who think that being outside in the snow is fun. Some of them even find frozen lakes, cut a hole in them, and sit around for hours like dumb-asses trying to pull frozen fish out of the water. This is, of course, the definition of stupidity.

Had it been up to me, there would have been no outside time at all.  Snow is fine through a window. But my deep-seeded dislike of snow was overridden by my even more deeply-seeded dislike of cleaning up dog poop from a shag rug. (They never go on the laminate…always the rugs).  So we went outside a few times.  During our lunchtime outing, we met up with some of Luke’s friends: Merlin the Dachshund, Gordon the St. Bernard, Peanut the Chihuahua, and Roxy the Rat Terrier.  If dogs had the equivalent of a late night house party while your parents are out of town in a bid to become the most popular kid in school, it would be playing in the snow.  Watching them play together almost made the fact that I was voluntarily standing out in the snow freezing my Rastafarian nay-nays off seem not insane. Almost.

And, best of all, by the end of the day he was so pooped from all his romping in the snow that I found him sprawled out on my bed, spread eagle, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and snoring…not unlike a trashy prostitute I…um…knew.  Yeah.  That’s it…

In any case, chances are I’ll have to go back into the office tomorrow for work because I won’t be able to justify staying home.  The snow is supposed to have stopped, and it should begin warming up tomorrow and raining, which will melt the remaining snow quite quickly. It’s all for the best, I suppose.  I’d rather do my work at work and my home stuff and home anyway.  But I may take the dog into the office with me tomorrow just so I don’t have to drive home to take him out at lunchtime.

So there you have it. The annual Seattle Snow™. May it not happen again until 2013.

Both mom and baby are doing well, although he’s dealing with a bit of jaundice right now.  But they're both home from the hospital, and now the fun times begin. :)

Welcome to the world, Charlie.  I’ve already decided that I’m going to send you your birthday presents on your half-birthday, so they don’t get lost in the Christmas rush.  That is, of course, if I get approval from your mom…who I would never dare oppose in matters such as this.

So, a couple of months ago, I started crocheting an afghan to give to my sister for Christmas.  This started right about the time I was redecorating my apartment and re-teaching myself to sew, all while baking up a storm of Christmas cookies.  The timing could have been a little better.

Well, I finally, finally finished it.  It took me the better part of six weeks, and about a total of 110 hours, but it’s done.  And it’s been given away.  I didn’t have it done by Christmas Eve, when we did our gift exchange with my sister’s family, so I ended up having to give her an almost finished afghan, then take it back that same night, and finish it on Christmas day. 

In an earlier blog post, I mentioned that I stopped crocheting because I was worried about what other people though of me.  I realize now that’s not true.  I quit because it takes for-freakin’-ever.  I can pretty much guarantee that’s the last time I EVER do an afghan that requires me to make granny squares (or hexagons, in this case) and then stitch them all together.  That’s just not going to happen.  I may start up another afghan, but it will be one of those zig-zag ones or something like that.  These fancy ones take just way too much time.

2011 was a great year.

Okay?  You’re back with us now?  You didn’t hit your head too hard on the concrete when you passed out did you?  I know, I know.  It’s a surprise, but it’s true.  For me, 2011 was a great year.  2011 was the year that my audiobook company finally started making money.  It was the year that I finally reached the kind of work/life balance that I’ve been aiming for since I entered the workforce.  It was the year that I met and talked with my neighbors, progressed at work, learned new skills, and resurrected long-neglected ones.  I made lots of music, gardened, crocheted, sewed, played video games, took photos, started writing my book, cooked a lot, began working out again, and finally started learning how to live within my means.  I got to welcome my beautiful new nephew into the world.  I broke up with Facebook. I became an (official) manager of other people for the first time in my career.  I spent time with my family, played with my dog, enjoyed the short (but beautiful) summer, lost 15 pounds, and gained it all back. 

I did a lot and experienced a lot this year, but what makes 2011 such a special year for me had less to do with what I did or didn’t do, and much more to do with the tectonic shift in my attitude about my own life.  For the first time in my life, I became comfortable with myself as a person.  I was able to finally see past my shortcomings and appreciate my strengths.  I stopped making and tracking my resolutions or goals on a monthly basis.  I (largely) stopped bemoaning the fact that my life hadn’t turned out the way I expected it to.  Rather than feeling lonely or left out, I began to find a great deal of comfort in my own solitude.  My life became far more peaceful than it has ever been before.

A large part of that shift is related to a choice I made a few months ago to stop caring about what other people thought of me or what I do.  I was able to speak my mind more freely, and not worry about how people saw me because of it.  I did the things that made me happy, regardless of how doing so made me look in the eyes of others.  I stopped “apologizing” for being the way that I am, and instead learned to appreciate myself.  I learned that I’m awesome, and I don’t freakin’ care if you don’t think so.  I discovered that I have never met anyone like me in my life, and that’s pretty cool.  I finally learned to appreciate my unique skillset and personality. 

If I may submit an example of this change:  2011 was one of the most musically prolific years for me since I retired from performing.  My skills are rusty, my voice certainly not in top shape.  Nevertheless, I stopped caring if people liked my music, and I posted it online anyway.  I endured a bit of (I believe) friendly ridicule from some co-workers over the content or quality of my music.  In the past, that would have torn me up, and I would have bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t any good.  This time, I actually managed to let it roll off my back, and I kept doing my thing anyway.  I was able to realize that not everyone will appreciate what I do, and I don’t care.

As this year quickly coasts to its close, I find myself a happier person.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still sarcastic, a little bitter, and prone to fits of ranting.  That will probably never change.  But I’m learning to let it go much more quickly—to move on.  Perhaps it’s maturity.  Perhaps it is my comfortable isolation.  Perhaps it’s a fluke. And most importantly, perhaps it doesn’t matter.  I feel as though I made some important steps this year toward getting to know who I really am, and not who I thought I was or was told that I should be.  Not bad for a year’s work.

To all my friends, family, co-workers, and other, anonymous readers of my blog, I wish you a very Happy New Year.  May 2012 be as fulfilling for you as 2011 was for me.

One area that has always alluded me, though, was the area of a capella music.  I’ve never been able to do it very well.  While I have a “strong” voice, I’m not particularly good and blending.  I have been trying to write an a capella arrangement of a Christmas song every year for the last six or seven years, and I’ve never been able to get even remotely close to a viable product.  Until this year.

I started this just over a week ago, and have finally finished my first-ever a capella arrangement—a six-part  arrangement (5 backing vocals and a lead) of the Christmas song, “The First Noel.”  This has always been one of my favorite Christmas songs.  I used to sing it to myself when I would deliver newspapers late at night when I was 13 or 14, walking through the streets in my neighborhood taking in all the Christmas decorations. 

I started by playing all 6 parts into a sampler so I could get a rough idea of how I wanted it to sound.  Then I transferred the resulting MIDI file into Sibelius so I could print sheet music from it.  Once the sheet music was done, I started recording.  I began with the Bass line, and sang it through three times.  Then I went through each remaining backing part from the bottom to the top, doing each one of those three times.  (Total of 15 tracks).  After I cleaned all of those up, ran them through a very light auto-tune to lock in the pitches, and lined up all of the consonants, then I went back and recorded the lead vocal four times, comping together the final vocal from the best bits of those four takes.  I am super thrilled with the way this turned out.  I think it’s one of the strongest pieces of music I’ve ever done.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like to hear 16 of me singing simultaneously, you can listen below.  I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas this year!

This is my first sci-fi book, and it was a nice change of pace to read something other than classics for a change.  It’s a shorter audiobook, just over 3 hours, but it’s an engaging story. 

So, if you’re interested in listening to me read an Audiobook, click here, and go to the Open Book Audio website.

Not Shown: Me wearing the shirt, because between the time I started sewing this shirt and the time I (almost) finished it, I gained 10 pounds (@#$% you, Thanksgiving leftovers) and I can’t really button it without it looking a little ridiculous around the middle.  Note to self: on the next shirt, make a large.  On the plus side, I have FINALLY discovered the cure to all of my sleeves shrinking on me.  When you make your own clothes, you can cut the pattern in such a way to accommodate your long gorilla arms.

It also still needs the buttons sewn on (the button holes are there, but they need to be cut open). 

This was actually really fun to sew.  I had to learn all kinds of new tricks.  Thank goodness for YouTube.  I never would have been able to figure out what easing is or how to do it otherwise.  And I’ve already got the fabric for the next version of the shirt.

Anyway, when I get the buttons sewn on and drop that 10 pounds, I’ll take a picture of myself wearing the shirt. Until then, it’ll just have to look pretty on the hanger.  Unless there’s anyone out there who weighs a little less than I do and who has monstrously long arms.

This year for Thanksgiving was a little strange, but enjoyable, nonetheless.  I had Thanksgiving dinner with my friend, Melissa and a bunch of people from her Choral Conducting program at the University of Washington.  I had never met any of them before, but they were a fun bunch, the food was good, and I made a particularly stunning caramel apple pie (if I say so myself.)

On Friday, I actually ventured out to the mall to do a bit of shopping, wander around and enjoy the hustle and bustle, and to see a movie for which I’ve been waiting for months.  The mall was packed, which was to be expected, but I got my Bath and Body Works pine-scented candles (my yearly tradition), my Auntie Anne’s pretzel with caramel sauce, and I got to see The Muppets.

The Muppets was fantastic.  It’s the best Muppet movie since Jim Henson passed away.  The voices are a little “off,” which is to be expected since Jim Henson and Richard Hunt passed away, and Frank Oz doesn’t want anything to do with the Muppets anymore.  (For shame, Frank.  For shame.)  But it captures the spirit of the Muppets so thoroughly and completely.  The music is ludicrously catchy. And I am not ashamed to admit it:  When they recreate the opening to the Muppet Show with all of the original puppets, I got a little choked up. It was a brilliant, heartfelt, un-ironic, funny, charming, uplifting movie from beginning to end.  Grade: A.

Also on Friday, I ended up cooking the 20 lb. turkey that I purchased but that I didn’t make for Thanksgiving.  It was quite yummy. And I will be eating it for the next two weeks.  Because a 20 pound turkey for a single person and a couple of ravenous dogs can go quite a long way.  I’ve got another day or two of turkey sandwiches in me, then I’m going to make a big pot of turkey noodle soup.

Saturday consisted of two things: Assassin’s Creed: Revolutions and Arthur Christmas.  The first is a video game that I’ve had for a couple of weeks but haven’t been able to play very much.  The second is the new animated movie that came out.  Arthur Christmas is another really delightful little Christmas movie.  It was done by Aardman Animation (the same studio that brought you Chicken Run and Wallace and Grommit).  The computer animation is fantastic, the story is perfect for getting into the Holiday spirit, and Bill Nighy’s portrayal of Grandsanta was hysterical.  Really fun movie, and it will get put into my Holiday movie rotation.  Grade: B+

Today, the majority of the day was spent on Assassin’s Creed.  And I’m dreading having to return to work tomorrow.  Christmas feels so very far away right now.

However, the real excitement in my life over the last nearly two weeks has been the (temporary) addition of a new member of my family: Jasper the Dog.

Jasper’s owner watched Luke for me a couple of months ago when I drove down to Utah to visit in September, so I owed her a favor, and offered to watch Jasper for her while he was out of town.  Jasper is a 1.5 years old, and is some sort of Terrier/Chihuahua Mix.  He’s very affectionate, wicked smart, and has been a holy terror for the last week and a half that he’s been at my place.  He was rescued about two months ago, and has a few abandonment issues.  It started out with he and Luke the Dog™ not getting alone very well.  Well, to be more accurate, he was afraid of Luke and would snap at him if Luke got too close.  Luke was fine with Jasper.  Eventually, they got over it, and now they’re good friends, and like playing together.

Jasper is a very demanding dog, though.  He gets jealous easily.  If I wanted to pet Luke, Jasper would get in between Luke and I.  If I sat down anywhere, Jasper climbs on top of me, whether I want him to or not.  He demands to be picked up all the time, which I will only do when I want to.  And, for the five or six days he was here, he was afraid of everything and everyone.  He would walk very timidly behind me when we were out walking, and Luke would walk in front of me, pulling, so I ended up looking like a drunk showgirl trying to do a sideways showgirl walk with a broken high heel. 

The bigger problems, though, were Jasper’s attitude.  Jasper peed or pooped in my apartment 12 times in 7 days.  He chewed through both Luke’s leash and his own leash.  He ripped a hole in my bedspread.  He climbed up on the table and shredded one of my bamboo placemats.  He would go into my closet, grab my socks out of the hamper, and carry them all over the apartment.  I eventually had to crate him whenever I left the apartment for more than about 5 minutes.

As I mentioned, he’s very, very smart.  When properly motivated, he would pick up obedience commands in a matter of seconds.  But he’s uber-stubborn.  When he wants something, he will completely disregard you.  I don’t allow my dog in the kitchen when I’m cooking, and Jasper would sit at the entry to the kitchen until I turned my back for one second, and then he’d run in and try to get into the garbage, or jump up and get something off of the counter.

Despite all of that, though, Jasper is a real sweetie.  He obviously loves being around people once he trusts them.  He loves to cuddle in a way that Luke never did.  He actually likes sleeping under the covers of the bed, which was really nice on those cold nights.  He was like a furry hot water bottle.  Except for the time he decided he needed to warm up his nose by sticking it down my butt crack at 3AM.  I tell you what: if you are the kind of person who has a hard time getting up in the morning, you should invent an alarm clock that will simulate a cold, wet dog nose in your butt crack.  That will wake you right up.

In the last week, he’s really come out of his shell, playing with other dogs in the complex, interacting with all of the office staff and regulars.  He does a better job of playing fetch than does my Golden Retriever.  And, like Luke, he eats like a fiend.  But getting any work done with him around is very difficult.  He’s like most of the MDT people I knew in college: he insists on being the center of attention all the time, and if he’s not, he’ll pee on your bed. Again.

So, Jasper goes back home tomorrow, and I will get to finish the sewing project I’ve been working on, and Luke can go back to sleeping on the bed without worrying about getting kicked off by a dog 1/10th his size.  It’ll be weird only having one dog in the house again.  But, I do think that this cured me of the craving I’ve been having to get another puppy anytime in the near future. One dog is enough for me for now.

Well, I hope all of my reader(s) had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and you’re all giving your Pandora Christmas Music stations a workout.  Speaking of, if you need an expertly chosen Christmas music station, you can find my Christmas music station here: http://www.pandora.com/#!/stations/edit/341352601847510870