And now the other shoe drops

So, tomorrow (well, officially, today) my hot new girlfriend will be moving in with me.  I’m going to play her like a piano. 

(Side note:  I never WAS very good at talking dirty.  Can you tell?)

Also, a short correction from yesterday’s post.  Technically, Lillias is not the FIRST piano I’ve bought.  I bought a Yamaha Clavinova digital piano when I was in college, which I owned for six months and then traded in for a keyboard and a guitar.  (This was during my “I want to gig as a musician” phase which ended tragically when I musically vomited all over a Borders Bookstore in Provo, Utah and finally realized that the life of a gigging musician was so NOT for me.  The keyboard and guitar were later repossessed when I declared bankruptcy.

Anyway, while I’m extremely excited about my new roomie, my excitement has been more than a little tempered by my disappointment in myself concerning the whole monetary aspect of my piano.  I just spent $11,000 paying off credit cards, and I turn around less than two months later and buy a piano.  I still haven’t paid off my last credit card. 

What disappoints me the most, however, is that I emptied (and I mean emptied) out my bank account in order to make a decent down payment.  I bought the piano on Saturday, and then, on Sunday night, my windshield wipers stopped working on my car.  Normally, that wouldn’t be a HUGE issue, but let’s not forget where I live.  Sunday night, I was freaking out.  I have $8.23 left in my savings account right now.  And my next payday is not for another week and a half.  I’ve got plenty of food, I’m set for gas, I have paid all my bills for August, so I don’t NEED to spend any money between now and the next payday, but again, for the first time, I’m freaked out about the fact that I have nothing in my account.

Fortunately, the problems was just a bad fuse, which was extremely inexpensive to replace.  But if anything goes wrong in the next 9 days, I’m ska-rewed.

As I was laying awake early Monday morning, mentally flogging myself for being so stupid, I had a some realizations.

First: This is a major, major problem that needs to be resolved.

Second: My spending has gone far beyond just a simple lack of self-control

Third: My skills at justification are legendary.  But, as they say, justification is like masturbation.  You’re only screwing yourself.

Fourth: What I REALLY need is a spouse who will manage the household finances and give me an allowance.

Fifth: Since that’s not going to happen, I’m pretty much on my own.

Sixth: I’ve been on my own for 14 years, and I still haven’t managed to learn how to control my spending.

Sevenths: Spending is my drug

Eighth:  The time is far passed that I seek some professional help to get a hold of my spending.  So, I’m shopping around for a good counselor who has some experience with addiction.  I think it’s obvious that I’m trying to fill some void in my life with stuff.  I need to figure out ways to fill those voids in some other way, and I’m plumb out of ideas.  Maybe while I’m at it, I can also learn to let go of the overwhelming amount of guilt that I feel simply by being alive.  Jeez.  You’d think I was Catholic or something.  Of course, I can’t help but consider the irony of having to spend $300-$400 extra a month to see a counselor for a spending addiction.

In any case, in terms of paying for the piano, I will be able to make my monthly payments EASILY and still have a lot of extra money left over for paying off credit cards.  In fact, if I just stopped eating fast food, I could more than pay my monthly bill and have this piano paid off early.  And it would be good for me.  So, that’s my compromise with myself.  I can keep the piano, but I have to limit the fast food to no more than twice a month.  If I forget my lunch, I either drive home and get it or go without.  If I don’t feel like cooking, I’ll eat cereal.  No more excuses.  (And since we can all see how good I am at self-control

No, this time around, it’s more about my frustration over the lack of self-control that I seem to possess.  And my complete inability to deny myself anything I actually want. And my concern that I seem to be 100% incapable of saving because if I see money, I spend money.  If anyone knows of any good addiction counselors in the Bellevue/Redmond area, please let me know.  (Privately would be fine.)

Coming soon, Lillias and I make sweet, sweet music together.