So, I know I haven’t been blogging very much lately because I’ve been wanting to enjoy summer instead of actually sitting in front of my computer.

Well, I think it’s safe to say that I will probably start blogging more often. Because, I am afraid, that summer is over! I know that summer generally is supposed to last until September 21 or 22nd, but in Seattle summer lasts about three weeks.

I’m sad that summer is almost over, seeing as how we only got about five days of it. But, I am actually kind of ready for summer to be over because as the rain starts to come in, I’ll actually have the desire to spend the time inside to do what it is I need to do on the weekends . For instance, I spent most of the day on Saturday and Sunday this week sitting in front of my computer working on the website for my company. We’re going to be launching a new store soon, and a whole new distribution service, and since it was raining outside I figured it was as good as time as any to work on the website.

I’ve also been playing my piano a lot. I forgot how much fun it was to play piano when I didn’t have to play piano, but when I got to choose to play the piano. I’ve been playing a lot of classical music, including Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, Claire De Lune by Debussy, and other sonatinas and preludes by Chopin. But the thing that I’ve been enjoying the most, is the maple leaf rag by Scott Joplin.

I know buying a piano with what was, essentially, my retirement fund was a bad idea. Intellectually, I know this to be true. Emotionally, however, I am really glad I bought the piano. It’s hard to explain how important having a piano has become to me in the last couple of weeks, but having it here and available to play whenever I get the urge, has been a really relaxing thing. Even though it requires electricity, it’s one of the few things I do that doesn’t require a computer screen of some kind.

There are just too many screens in my life. I wake up, and the first thing I do is look at my phone. I watch TV while I eat. I sit in front of a computer all day long at work. When I come home, I watch TV again. Then I’ll sit in front of my computer for two or three hours. I spent most of my day in front of the screen of some kind. I spent so much time looking at screens that sometimes I feel like I forget what the real world looks like.

In addition to keeping me away from computer screens, playing the piano is helping me reconnect with skills I forgot I had. And I feel better at playing the piano now than I did when I was playing actively. I seem to be able to pick up new songs more quickly, and much more accurately than I have been able to in the past. My fingers are more agile and I think, more than anything else, in the intervening years between taking piano lessons and now, I’ve learned how to focus and how to practice. Before, I was most interested in getting to the point where I can play the song rather than getting to the point where I can play the song well. This is especially true because I was playing songs I didn’t really enjoy all that much.

Now that I get to pick the songs I play I enjoy it a lot more. When I was young, my mom would have to time to me on the kitchen oven timer for 30 min. every single day for my piano practice. And it was a fight. These days, it’s not uncommon for me to sit down to piano for two or three hours in the course of the day and just play for the fun of it. It’s been very relaxing and very centering. And the best thing is, because I can put in headphones, I can play later at night which is when I play best.

In any case, yes, I will be paying off this piano for many years to come. But, I think it was worth it. Now, whether that justifies spending the money right at this point in my life, I can’t say. But, at least I know longer feel buyer’s remorse over this purchase. And since the sun is gone for what will probably be another 8 1/2 months, I’ll have a lot of extra time to practice playing the piano.

And maybe someday, someone will actually come up here to visit me and we’ll get to hear me play. (I’m talking to you mom and dad).

Side note: I apologize for any grammatical errors or spelling errors in this blog post. There are likely more than usual. I’m testing out the new dictation feature on my computer and thought I’d dictate a blog post to see if it was faster than typing it out. Turns out, it is.

 

Luke Shaking Hands

I don't really know why, but I really like this photo.  It doesn't have the best composition, but it's just so stinkin' cute.  This is the foot and hand of my neighbor Brigette, getting Luke to Shake.

 

So, as I begin to write this blog post, it’s 10:52 PM on a Monday night, and I’m just biding my time until midnight.  Why, you may ask?  That’s because, at midnight, the final book in Suzanne Collin’s The Hunger Games trilogy comes out, and I have pre-ordered it for delivery on my Kindle.  I want to get an hour or two of reading in tonight if I am able.

I’ve not been this excited about the release of a book since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out back in 2007.  The Hunger Games ranks right up there in my list of favorites along with Harry Potter and the Fablehaven series.

While I’m waiting, I’m doing laundry, doing dishes, and listening to the audiobook of You Suck by Christopher Moore…a very funny novel that is basically what Twilight would have been if it were written by a sarcastic sex-crazed frat boy instead of a sexually frustrated suburban housewife with attachment issues.  (In all honesty, Stephenie Meyers is a really nice person, and pretty cool in real life, but sometimes, reading the Twilight saga is enough to make me sprout breasts.)

And I’m blogging.  Because, seriously, if you’re lame enough to be waiting up until Midnight for a BOOK, then you might as well cement your lameness by writing a blog post about the fact that you’re waiting up until Midnight for a book.

I thought about writing an epic rant about the jackbags who are trying to stop the building of an Islamic cultural center near ground zero, but I feel like this topic has been played out in the media far too much.  I won’t write a full-blown rant, but I would like to say a few things.

  • If you are one of the mindless masses campaigning against the building of an Islamic Cultural Center near Ground Zero, you should be ASHAMED of yourself.  Ashamed. 
  • If you’re a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and you’re campaigning against the building of an Islamic cultural center near ground zero, you should be ashamed of yourself, and then you better go repent.  LEST member of the LDS church forget, less than 40 years ago, it was still officially legal to kill a Mormon in the state of Missouri.  If you’ve been in the church for any amount of time, then you know what can happen when we start being prejudiced based on religion.  And for a group of people who make up less than 2% of the population of the United States,  you should be fighting for these Muslim’s rights as though they were your own…because one they were your own rights that needed fighting for, and almost certainly they will be again. 
  • Islam does not equal terrorism.  Saying that an Islamic center shouldn’t be built next to Ground Zero is like saying that Marriage should be made illegal in Utah and Arizona because there are a few polygamists living there. 
  • Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  With all of the problems going on in the world, THIS is what we’re going to focus on?  Whether a group of Muslims can take an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory building and turn it into a community and cultural center two blocks away from the site of the world training which, by the way, you can’t even SEE from ground zero, is really the MOST important thing we can be dealing with?  How about working on joblessness, or homelessness, or lambasting Dr. Laura for saying the N-Word on the radio.

Okay.  I’m stopping now.  Seriously, though, if another person sends me an invite on Facebook to join another Anti-Muslim group, I might have to look up their address and firebomb their house.  Oh wait.  Then they’ll probably start discriminating against gay Mormons.  Oh.  Wait.  They already do that.  Nevermind.

*Rant Mode Off*

Eliza?  Where the hell are my slippers?

Anyway, um, Mockingjay.  Can’t wait.  I will probably be worthless at work tomorrow.  Which, let’s be honest, isn’t a huge step from how I am most of the time.  This new job has me feeling more than a little inadequate…something that I’m not used to feeling at work.  In my personal life and human relationships, yes.  But not at work.

Whew.  This blog post got all angsty all of a sudden.  I think I need to go sit in a hot bath with a cold popsicle.  (And no, that’s not a euphemism for anything.  You’ve got such a dirty mind.)

To all of you Hunger Games fans, here’s to a fantastic Mockingjay Day!

 

I love this picture!

4884461939_86f152d020_o

Special thanks to my friend Bill at http://punishedpixels.com for taking the awesome photo of Super Dog.

 

So, things are looking a little different here at One Off.  I've finally started getting around to making some updates.  This new WordPress theme I'm using is sick in the number of configurable options it has, and I've not yet decided on what I want and don't want on the page.

Some of the changes I've made:

  • I've added the categories of the posts as a series of tabbed menus across the top.
  • New header image…not sure if it's quite what I'm going after, but at least it's something
  • New widgets and cleaned up the ones already there.  Not sure how I feel about the whole widget thing…still trying to sort it out a bit.
  • Changed the color scheme slightly
  • Implemented Google Analytics, so I will have irrefutable proof that there are five people who visit my blog.
  • Changed commenting systems.

The last one is the biggest change.  I've decided to implement the Disqus commenting system.  It will let you log in with an OpenID, Facebook, Twitter, or Yahoo Email login, and post comments that way.  It allows for threaded messages and replies, and gives me a much better and more flexible comment monitoring system.  I'm still tweaking it, but I'll be sticking with Disqus for the time being.

More changes to come, I'm sure.

 

It’s time for therapy blogging with Matt.  Tonight’s topic: Guilt.

I have a problem with guilt.

All the time.  Even when things are going well and right, I feel guilty. 

Tonight, while I was playing the piano, my mind began to wander (as it often does when I’m playing the piano), and I remembered back to a day in my sixth grade English class with Mr. Soltis.  We were doing a vocabulary lesson where we had to take our spelling words for the week, and place them into sentences.  In my hormone-addled Jr. High School mind (Jr. High is the armpit of human existence) I thought it would be funny to use the vocabulary words to poke fun at Mr. Soltis himself.

Now, normally, I was a pretty good kid in school.  I didn’t sass the teachers or cause problems in class.  It was exceptionally rare that a teacher got mad at me…at least to the point that they let it show.  But Mr. Soltis was my neighbor from across the street.  His daughter and I were in the same age and knew each other pretty well.  I felt like he would understand my playing around.  So, I started writing these mild jabs using my vocabulary words. 

Eventually, when it came time for us to read our examples, I started reading through mine.  Being a class full of Jr. High kids, they laughed at my jokes, which was really what I was after.  Mr. Soltis, however, didn’t find it funny.  He exploded and told me that I was so cynical, and to stop reading.  I was mortified.  I just wanted to have a little fun.

I relate this story not because I think that the story itself is particularly interesting, but more because it illustrates a problem that I’ve carried with me for my entire life.  I still, to this day, feel guilty about it.  Mr. Soltis’ class was my third class of the day, and I remember trudging home feeling horrible about making him mad.  I even confessed to my parents because I felt so bad.

It’s not uncommon for me to involuntarily recall various moments of my life that make me feel guilty: the time my mom found a piece of "erotica" in my pocket that I had written as part of a meme in my highschool where my circle of friends were writing filthy letters to "Dear Diary," the times I’ve destroyed friendships, the lies I’ve told to people who trusted me, the times I’ve failed to keep my commitments.  They just flow like water.

I don’t really understand where my nearly crippling sense of guilt comes from, or why it has become such a demon in my life.  But it’s omnipresent for me.  I seem to remember every single thing that I’ve ever done wrong, and I feel terrible about it.  I’ve got a mental catalog that I am able to pull out at a moment’s notice and flog myself over.

This wellspring of guilt has, of course, managed to shape my life pretty significantly–particularly in regards to those issues surrounding my sexuality and, even moreso, my participation (or lack thereof) in church.  I spent most of my life feeling guilty about not being able to get married and have kids and be the "ideal" the Mormon man.  I felt insane levels of guilt every time I struggled with feelings I didn’t choose or couldn’t control.  When I decided to take a step back from participation in church and re-evaluate my life a little, I felt guilty.  I still feel guilty that I’ve disappointed my parents and family members.

Guilt has been such an overriding emotion (is it an emotion?) in my life.  I was so worried about doing something wrong, I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of experiences.

Does anyone else feel like this?  What do you do to get around it? Because I would really like to stop feeling like the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale and figure out a way to live my day-to-day life without having to flog myself with a mental cat-o-nine-tails.

 

Since I got a new piano, I figured I’d try something a little different with this song:  Rather than recording and produce it all up, I though it might be a fun little change of pace to do a videotaped performance on the new piano.  So, thanks to my (awesome) digital SLR, a nice little shotgun mic, and my rockin’ new piano, here’s the video of Choosing.

This song was inspired by a friend of mine who’s been stuck in a very unhealthy relationship for a couple of years.  She knows that she needs to move on, but is terrified of what that means.  So, as a result, she’s essentially chosen not to choose.  I can relate. 

I’ve decided that I wanted to start writing some songs in a little more theatrical of a style.  I have such a background in musical theater, it just makes sense.  Plus, the emotional, soaring ballads are my favorite anyway.  This is very much a rough draft of the song…I may change the structure or melody still, but I like the basic feel of it so far.

Choosing
Music & Lyrics by Matt Armstrong

Now that I’ve chosen
I can’t decide
If, in the choosing, I chose wrong
Or I chose right
If my decisions
Cast me aside
Now that the choosing’s done
Am I the one
Who has to abide
The choice left behind

Now that it’s over
Now that it’s done
I can stand here feeling guilty
Or move on.
Another decision
Step off or postpone
Now it’s time to wake life
Step forward and taste life

Time to shout it from the rooftops,
"I am here.
There is something deep inside of me still living."
Raise the curtain just in time for my premiere.
I’m breaking down walls I’ve built
Of all of my anger, guilt, and fear.
The choices are clear.

So, this is choosing.
Why so resigned?
Choosing to choose is, well, not easy
But it’s time.
Choosing a future
Free from my past
Wow.  I can’t believe
I finally chose
At last.

 

I have been having a BLAST reacquainting myself with playing the piano.  Even doing my scales and exercises, which I used to loathe.  Something happened between the time I graduated from BYU, and the time I started at Walden, in which I learned how to study, practice, and concentrate.  Although, to be fair, the MDT program at BYU does very little to force studiousness on its students.  I’m quite glad I bought the piano.  I’m playing at least 1-2 hours ever day, and loving it.  Pretty soon, I’m hoping to get started on one of my lifelong goals: playing Rhapsody in Blue.

***

Is there really anything in this world more perfect than Lime sorbet in the middle of a hot summer day?  It’s about the most easy thing in the world to make, but just so sublime in the heat.

***

Speaking of heat, it’s been HOT here the last couple of days.  Well, hot for Seattle, anyway.  (It doesn’t take much to be considered hot here, because nobody has air conditioning.  But it’s been in the low-to-mid 90s.  That’s too warm.

***

Nothing makes Luke the dog happier than being in the water.  He’s a water dog, through and through.  I don’t like taking him swimming very often, though.  And, surprisingly, it’s not the wet dog smell–although I wouldn’t consider that pleasant.  No, the reason why I don’t like taking Luke the Dog swimming is because he swallows so much water than he has to be taken out for potty breaks every 30 minutes for the next three hours otherwise he’ll go in the house.  He never has accidents inside the house, but if I ignore him at all after his swimming, then we have a problem.  So, an hour of swimming turns into a total of four hours where I can’t really do anything else.

***

Have I mentioned how much I love my piano?

***

I have FINALLY gotten my studio and my bedroom switched out, the studio rewired, and the two rooms cleaned up and back to a pseudo-normal state.  I just have to switch the stuff in the bathrooms, and then this little adventure will be complete.

***

I’ve decided it’s time to SERIOUSLY declutter my life.  I’m going to be personally stocking the shelves of the Goodwill for the next six months with the crap that I’m getting rid of.  So far I’ve thrown away or donated:

  • Queen Boxspring and Mattress Frame
  • Four Pair of Shoes
  • Three sets of sheets
  • Four pillows
  • Two pair of jeans
  • Four pair of shorts
  • 30 pairs of socks
  • Old medicines
  • A couple of duffle bags
  • A Netbook Computer
  • Dozens of boxes for my electronics
  • About 500 pounds of extra computer cabels
  • An extra blender and steame
  • Over 150 DVDs
  • All of my remaining CDs
  • Most of my printed books
  • Some T-Shirts
  • A bunch of old electronics manuals

It’s freeing to get rid of so much stuff so quickly.  Usually, the only time I get rid of this much is when I’m moving…and since I have no intention of doing that again for a LONG time, this was as good a time as any.

***

It’s time for me to start work on my next audiobook.  This one’s going to be fun to do.  I’m going to see if I can’t get it done more quickly this time around.  Should be a little easier now that So You Think You Can Dance is over for the season.

***

Speaking of TV, the only show that I’m watching right now is Warehouse 13.  There’s nothing coming up that interests me this fall, and I’m burned out on most of the other stuff I used to watch.   So, I’ve decided that, in addition to catching the whole series of West Wing, I’m also going to start watching all the old episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I always liked that show growing up, but I’ve never watched all of them.  Should be a fun little trip down memory lane. 

***

Wow.  Random thoughts are random.

 

I am exhausted.

When I bought Lillias, I realized that I needed to do some rearranging to fit her into my studio.  That’s not a huge deal for me because I’m one of those people who needs to rip out all their cables every six months and rewire in a constantly losing effort to keep my cable runs organized.  So, I pulled apart my recording equipment, moved the futon around, and generally just prepared some room for Lillias.

Wednesday morning arrived, and sure enough, Lillias would fit through the door into the studio.  At all.  So I had the movers leave her in the living room which is really NOT where I wanted her to be) and I went to work.  While at work, I mulled over my options, and realized that I had only two.  I could leave Lillias in the living room, or I could swap my studio and my bedroom.  So, I called on a friend to help, and when I got home Wednesday night, we moved all my bedroom furniture out of the bedroom, moved all the studio furniture into the old bedroom, and then moved the bedroom furniture into the old studio.  And then we moved Lillias. 

Let me just take a moment to state that, although Lillias is a digital (albeit a hybrid one) piano, she weighs every single bit as much as an acoustic spinnet piano.  Which is to say: a blue ton.

That meant that, when I went to bed last night, it looked as though my apartment had been set upon by a pack of rabid dogs on acid.  There were cables EVERYWHERE.  (I probably have enough cables in my apartment that, if they were laid end to end, they would reach the moon.)  I also decided that, while I was in the midst of rearranging my life, I might as well start doing my spring cleaning.  I’ve been really wanting to start getting rid of a lot of stuff.  So I pulled over 150 of my DVDs and have them in the car to go to Goodwill.  I’m throwing away my extra box spring and bed frame, I got rid of old towels, comforters, sheets, blankets, and more.  I’m getting rid of the boxes for much of my electric gadgetry. 

So, tonight, I spent the whole night trying to continue  my cleanup, hanging the sound absorption panels in my studio, boxing up the stuff for Goodwill, doing the week’s worth of dishes sitting in the kitchen, and starting to wire up my studio…a project that usually takes a few days to fully complete. 

So basically, I moved yesterday and unpacked today.  I wasn’t planning on moving again so soon.  Now I must sleep.

 

So, tomorrow (well, officially, today) my hot new girlfriend will be moving in with me.  I’m going to play her like a piano. 

(Side note:  I never WAS very good at talking dirty.  Can you tell?)

Also, a short correction from yesterday’s post.  Technically, Lillias is not the FIRST piano I’ve bought.  I bought a Yamaha Clavinova digital piano when I was in college, which I owned for six months and then traded in for a keyboard and a guitar.  (This was during my “I want to gig as a musician” phase which ended tragically when I musically vomited all over a Borders Bookstore in Provo, Utah and finally realized that the life of a gigging musician was so NOT for me.  The keyboard and guitar were later repossessed when I declared bankruptcy.

Anyway, while I’m extremely excited about my new roomie, my excitement has been more than a little tempered by my disappointment in myself concerning the whole monetary aspect of my piano.  I just spent $11,000 paying off credit cards, and I turn around less than two months later and buy a piano.  I still haven’t paid off my last credit card. 

What disappoints me the most, however, is that I emptied (and I mean emptied) out my bank account in order to make a decent down payment.  I bought the piano on Saturday, and then, on Sunday night, my windshield wipers stopped working on my car.  Normally, that wouldn’t be a HUGE issue, but let’s not forget where I live.  Sunday night, I was freaking out.  I have $8.23 left in my savings account right now.  And my next payday is not for another week and a half.  I’ve got plenty of food, I’m set for gas, I have paid all my bills for August, so I don’t NEED to spend any money between now and the next payday, but again, for the first time, I’m freaked out about the fact that I have nothing in my account.

Fortunately, the problems was just a bad fuse, which was extremely inexpensive to replace.  But if anything goes wrong in the next 9 days, I’m ska-rewed.

As I was laying awake early Monday morning, mentally flogging myself for being so stupid, I had a some realizations.

First: This is a major, major problem that needs to be resolved.

Second: My spending has gone far beyond just a simple lack of self-control

Third: My skills at justification are legendary.  But, as they say, justification is like masturbation.  You’re only screwing yourself.

Fourth: What I REALLY need is a spouse who will manage the household finances and give me an allowance.

Fifth: Since that’s not going to happen, I’m pretty much on my own.

Sixth: I’ve been on my own for 14 years, and I still haven’t managed to learn how to control my spending.

Sevenths: Spending is my drug

Eighth:  The time is far passed that I seek some professional help to get a hold of my spending.  So, I’m shopping around for a good counselor who has some experience with addiction.  I think it’s obvious that I’m trying to fill some void in my life with stuff.  I need to figure out ways to fill those voids in some other way, and I’m plumb out of ideas.  Maybe while I’m at it, I can also learn to let go of the overwhelming amount of guilt that I feel simply by being alive.  Jeez.  You’d think I was Catholic or something.  Of course, I can’t help but consider the irony of having to spend $300-$400 extra a month to see a counselor for a spending addiction.

In any case, in terms of paying for the piano, I will be able to make my monthly payments EASILY and still have a lot of extra money left over for paying off credit cards.  In fact, if I just stopped eating fast food, I could more than pay my monthly bill and have this piano paid off early.  And it would be good for me.  So, that’s my compromise with myself.  I can keep the piano, but I have to limit the fast food to no more than twice a month.  If I forget my lunch, I either drive home and get it or go without.  If I don’t feel like cooking, I’ll eat cereal.  No more excuses.  (And since we can all see how good I am at self-control

No, this time around, it’s more about my frustration over the lack of self-control that I seem to possess.  And my complete inability to deny myself anything I actually want. And my concern that I seem to be 100% incapable of saving because if I see money, I spend money.  If anyone knows of any good addiction counselors in the Bellevue/Redmond area, please let me know.  (Privately would be fine.)

Coming soon, Lillias and I make sweet, sweet music together.

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