The Upside to Getting Fat

So, since the beginning of the year (minus one little "slip up" in January), I’ve been doing extremely well with my financial overhaul.  I’ve been able to save quite a bit of money in a short amount of time, I’ve cut down my expenses quite a bit, and I’ve even managed to pay off one of my credit cards.  This is good because, starting in May, my student loans from my (wasted) years studying musical theater at BYU and my (far more financially beneficial) years at Walden have now entered the repayment phase.

In 25 years, when I’m finally finished paying off said loans (assuming I haven’t died of a heart attack or old age or, I don’t know, having my face eaten by a rabid squirrel) I’m going to throw the MOTHER of all parties.  It’ll be such an awesome party that I’ll have to get a loan just to afford it!  Either that or I’ll just go out to a really nice dinner with a few friends.  Assuming I have any left by then.  At the rate I go through friends… Maybe I’ll just celebrate by cleaning the dead hookers out of my storage unit.

Anyway…money.  So, one of the things that I’ve done to put a halt to my spending is force myself to use the stuff that I already have.  I mean, let’s be honest…I’ve got a pretty sweet setup.  I have a recording studio that’s capable of doing some pretty amazing things.  I have a killer entertainment system.  I have a Netflix and Gamefly memberships.  I have a Kindle filled with unread books.  I have an awesome camera and killer lenses.  I don’t need any new equipment, and I SURE as heck don’t need any new hobbies.  It’s time to use what I’ve purchased.  And I’m actually enjoying the process.  I recorded a new song.  I’ve finished another audiobook.  I’ve taken tons of pictures.  I’ve been playing my video games, watching movies, and reading quite a bit.

It’s rather freeing to not follow all the new trends, or to be salivating over the latest and greatest technological toys.  I went to Fry’s Electronics on Saturday with Billy, and, for the third time in a row, I walked all over the store and didn’t buy anything.  I couldn’t find anything I really wanted.  Weird.

However, as a direct result of my desperate attempt not to spend money that I didn’t need to, I’ve also found myself extremely reticent not to spend money on things I do need to spend money on.  Like my horrifyingly boring wardrobe.  My clothing, while never the height of style, has gotten to a critical state.  I’m moved from well-dressed office worker to sloppy technology worker and appear to be well on my way to a front page feature on PeopleofWalmart.com

Let’s do a little trip through time, shall we:

• Elementary School – Tory Holdren told me that my U of M shirt and pegged, acid-wash Lee jeans were the most stylish thing she had ever seen me wear, and since it was the first (and only) time I had ever been complimented on my clothing, I ended up wearing it about three times a week until the kids at school noticed and started making fun of me.  Never wore it again.
• Early Jr. High – Wore Skidz unironically.
• Late Jr. High – Wore mustard yellow shorts, royal purple long-sleeved shirt, and brown & black penny loafers with white socks. Unironically
• High School – Oversized flannel shirts for 4 years.  Only mild irony expressed. It was the "Garage Band Alternative" era, after all.
• Mission – Two years of suits with short-sleeved shirts, pleated pants, and ties with backpacks and bike helmets.  It’s impossible to look stylish in that ensemble.
• College – Wore cutoff sweatpants, track pants, and t-shirts for five years because, hey, it’s hard to do modern dance in slacks and a button-up shirt.  Recognized the irony, but since everyone else I spent time with wore the same thing, the irony was lost.  Not lost: Swass.
• Post College – Tried to be ultra trendy and preppy.  Epic fail.  Tried to combine expensive pretty (Banana Republic) with Goodwill finds.  Ended up wearing a white suede blazer and ugly black and white stripped shirt that was too short and too big at the same time.  Not a good look.
• Buff Period – Got really buff for about two years.  Bought a bunch of clothes that were WAY too small for me in order to show of my newly-acquired and short-lived muscles.  Felt a little more sexy.  Looked like I had forgotten what S, M, and L meant on my clothing tags.
• Microsoft Period – A work environment where it is considered appropriate to wear tank tops and shorts, sandals with socks, to walk around the common areas without shoes, or to wear your biking lyrcra around the office during the day.  Gave up on trying to be stylish.  Also, got fat.  So, the too-small muscle clothing of the buff phase became embarrassingly small and, in some cases, physically painful to wear.

Of particular concern is my summer wardrobe.  Microsoft has chosen to keep its buildings to a balmy 60 degrees during the summer to help keep the billions of computer systems scattered through the campus from boiling.  So, it’s too cold at work to wear summer clothing.  Hell, half of my team wears snuggies.  (But at least they do it ironically).  Plus, I usually only do my clothes shopping around Christmas time when I just want to be in the mall walking around and soaking up the holiday spirit, which means that I’ve got sweaters and long-sleeved shirts galore, but nothing for nice, warm weather. 

So, it was with this in mind that I decided it was an absolute necessity to get some work-appropriate and play-appropriate summer clothing.  I mean, I am starting a new job.  Maybe they will have realized that 72 degrees is the recognized standard for room temperature.  That, and my short-sleeved shirts were starting to fall apart, and the polo shorts got that nasty curled-up collar that you can’t get straight even with an iron.  Most were so small that my gut was starting to peek out the bottom, which is SO not cute.  Plus, I desperately needed some new shoes for running, since I really want to be able to start buttoning my pants again and I flat-out refuse to go up ANOTHER size.

So I went shopping this weekend.  And like most things I do, when I go shopping, I go shopping all the way.  Behold:

Let me take a moment to answer the question I know you’re asking.  Yes. I did, in fact, lay out all of my purchases and photograph them.  Using the things I have, remember?  Just be glad I didn’t do a "haul" video on YouTube.  I almost considered doing one.  It would have been totally dripping with irony.  But irony that requires that much effort isn’t really my thing.  Also not my thing…mannequins dressed up with layered shirts where both shirts have a collar?  Button up shirt over a polo shirt?  Is that a thing?  I hope not.  Because it looks even more stupid than popped collars on polo shirts, which look even more stupid now than they did in 1984…and they didn’t look particularly cool in 1984.  I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, I ended up with

• Three Polo Shirts
• Three Button-Up Shirts
• One T-Shirt
• One Pair Jeans
• One Pair Brown Khaki/Jean pants
• One Pair Black/White plaid shorts
• Black & White Houndstooth Converse Hi-Tops
• Brown canvas slip-ons
• White Sneakers
• Black Running Shoes
• New White T-Shirts
• New White Socks – I have a thing about socks.

I was able to get this all without having to put a penny on a credit card…which may not seem like a big deal, but it’s huge for me.  I actually ended up going to the bank before I started my spree at the mall, pulled out the cash I had budgeted for, and promised myself that I wouldn’t spend any more than that.  And I stuck to my guns.  (I even had $33 left over!)

Of course, now that I got all this nice summer clothing, it turned overcast, rainy, and cold.  Well, it turned cold.  It’s always overcast and rainy.  And, since I’ll still be at Microsoft for the next four days (!) I can’t wear any of this stuff until I leave.  Here’s to hoping the new office isn’t frigid…

So now, I have to clean out the old, ugly, no-longer-fitting clothes, bag them up, and take them to Goodwill.  And best of all, that means that when (not if…WHEN) I lose the 20 pounds I’ve gained by sitting on my fat A@# at Microsoft over the last three years and eating like a Bulemic who remembers the binge but forgets the purge, then I’ll have an excuse to pull out another wad of cash and go shopping again.