The Road Not Travelled

 Philosophizing, Ramblings  Add comments
Feb 212010
 

Warning: this will be one of those self-reflective, contemplative, and a little depressed posts that crop up every now and again.  If this doesn’t interest you, move along.  Nothing to see here.

I had been looking forward to this weekend a great deal.  Work for the last several weeks has been very demanding.  I’ve been spending my time putting out fires, trying to fix problems, and dealing with the standard intra-office politics that plagues every single organization ever created by mankind.  My weekends have been refuges for me.  I’ve been able to relax, get away, do fun things, spend money, and generally enjoy myself thoroughly.  So, after a particularly stressful week, I walked out of work on Friday ready for the weekend. 

It was, to be blunt, disappointing.

The thing is that there is no reason it should have been.  My weekend was spent much the same way as past weekends have been for months and months.  I watched TV, played video games, went grocery shopping, grabbed some fast food, worked in the studio on some music, worked on an audiobook, surfed the web, and played with/walked the dog.  I got a new bed delivered.  I made rice pudding for the first time ever.  (But without raisins, so it was actually good.)

But it’s 10:30 on a Sunday night, and I’m low.

When you’re young, you chart your life by the things that haven’t happened to you yet; by the things that you still have coming up.  You look forward to starting school, going to Jr. High, going to your first dance (at the age of 14, if your Mormon), going to high school, going on your first day (at 16), graduating high school, going to college, graduating from college, getting a job.  But I feel like that’s where it ends for me.  (And let’s be honest…I didn’t even get half of the things I just listed off.)  Most people get married, have kids, and then get to look forward to their kids’ milestones as much as their own, plus the additional milestone of being able to have the kids fly the nest and re-explore life as a single person.  I, on the other hand, look at the remainder of my life and realize that my next milestone is retirement…which means that I’ve got 40 years of working jobs I don’t particularly care for in order to retire with enough money to live.  Assuming that I don’t die of a heart attack in the 40s because of all the junk food I eat.  Or get sick or injured.  And heaven forbid that I spend the next 40 years working and retire only to find out that a) I’m too old to actually do anything I want to do or b) I don’t have anyone to do it with. 

I spent this weekend doing the things that I wanted to do…and I largely enjoyed them.  But I don’t feel like I’m working toward anything anymore.  Even my resolutions seem forced…something to be working on for the sake of working on something…not because I really want to, or because I’m working toward something that’s really important to me. 

For most of my life, there was always a path laid out before me.  Granted, it was a path that I could not have followed, but at least there were milestones along the way.  Once I finally started trying to chart my own future, I’ve come to realize that I don’t know where to go.  I can’t be the good little Mormon boy with the wife and three adorable children, serving in Boy Scouts and teaching the Deacon’s Quorum.  I can’t be the raging queen, out dancing at the clubs every night and hooking up with every ‘mo who crosses my path.  I’m just stuck in between.  And the thing about the middle ground?  It’s in the middle.  It’s bland, mediocre, unremarkable.  It’s the Land of "Meh."  It’s like a saw a fork in the road, and instead of taking the one "less travelled by," I just set up camp in the fork and watch people taking one road or the other while I sit there and try to learn the guitar or record an audiobook.

I’m not sure what the answer is…or if there even is an answer.  And I feel rather disingenuous whining about feeling rudderless when I have friends and family who are struggling with real problems.  I just wish I had something in my life that was driving me toward some greater end.  A purpose, a milestone.

Or, maybe I should just start picking out retirement homes now…

 Posted by Matt at 11:03 pm
  • http://www.whiteeyebrows.com WhiteEyebrows

    OK.. time to look at the glass half-full.  
    One of the things I always enjoyed about being single at a later age was the ability it gave me to be a resource to my extended family.  I was able to easily travel to family functions, because it was always just one plane ticket.  I was able to spend time helping and counseling cousins when they wouldn't listen to their parents.  I was able to be the much-needed extra adult when my nieces went to Disneyland.  I was able to enjoy building friendships and serving in church without so many of the time limitations everyone else had.
    Single people also have a great chance to focus on a productive career.  Whether that's spending 60hrs/wk at your current job or running a side business, that freedom of time is something that most people stand envious of.
    Being single has its advantages, but they all hinge on surrounding yourself with people.  I personally believe that joy in life largely comes from the associations of people we surround ourselves with, whether that's extended family, business associates, or just friends,  The challenge then becomes being the type of person that people want to be around… and that's 100% up to you and the attitude you choose.

  • http://www.mattarmstrongmusic.com Matt

    I've largely come to peace with the fact that I'm going to be single the rest of my life.  And I am able to find some enjoyment in that.  

    This post was (perhaps inarticulately) more about the fact that, as a single person, I have no more milestones in life left to me except retirement.  I can "work on" stuff or "be there" for people, but there's nothing left to say, "On this date, at this time, I will complete this phase of my life."  It happened with school, with getting a job, with going back to school.  But the other milestones that should be ahead for me aren't.  

    My real struggle is with the fact that I don't know how to live my life happily without some major milestone to work toward.  A co-worker suggested that perhaps my next milestone should be buying a house.  That's one that I honestly didn't think of, but that is probably a really good one to focus on.  It gives me a goal, gives me a rough time frame.

   
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