Ad-noy the hell out of me.

I’m a sucker for a good commercial.  If there’s one that really funny, I’ll actually stop my Tivo fast forwarding to watch it.

But there’s a trend going around in commercials at the moment that I just don’t understand.  Why, in the name of all that’s good and holy, would you actively go out of your way to annoy the hell out of your potential customers by making commercials so shrill, annoying, repetitive, and stupid as the ones below?  Really?  Really!?  With all of the brilliantly creative, talented, funny people out there, the best way that you can advertise your wares is with these horrendous abortions of advertising so atrocious that they could be used as a means of interrogating prisoners in Guantanamo?  Waterboarding my fanny.  Just play “Mini Sirloin Burgers” on a never-ending loop, and you’ll have Bin Laden in captivity within an hour.

There are three commercials which are currently airing in this new genre of ads.  The instant I hear the first few strains of the commercials I actually turn off my TV entirely.  I hate these commercials so much that they are actually causing me to stop turn off my TV in disgust and find something else to do. Networks are LOSING viewers because they’re allowing their advertisers to run such aurally offensive claptrap.  If you haven’t had the epic misfortunate of seeing these commercials, I’ve provided clips of them below.  I would advise, however, against watching or listening to them before you go to bed, or you’ll be up all night with the "music” stuck in your head…or at least I was.  I can’t even type the phrase of the jingle without getting the song stuck in my head, and I’ve got a busy day at work tomorrow.

There was one other commercials that I wanted to include, but couldn’t find.  That’s the Fiber One cereal commercial where the Indian guy keeps interrupting the woman in the aisle holding the box of the cereal.  You know that people hate being interrupted, right?  That’s generally considered exceptionally annoying, not to mention really bad manners.  If someone started doing that me in the grocery store, I’d punch him in the face.  Even considering that I’m a big wuss and very non-confrontational.  I’d still totally do it.  Right in the face.  And if there wasn’t blood, I’d keep doing it until there was.  Lots and lots of blood.  Interrupt me every time I tried to open my mouth to speak.  AND THAT’S THE WAY YOU WANT TO TELL ME YOU’VE GOT A WORTHWHILE PRODUCT?  Now look what you made me do?  Do you think I like hitting Indian people?  Huh?  Do You?  But you were just asking for it.

What’s wrong with you people?  Honestly. 

In my opinion, the commercial that really started this trend of mind-killing annoyance was the Quizno’s Sponge Monkeys commercials that started airing back in 2003.  I actually remember when they aired, because Shawn Perucca and Dustin Pierce used to run around the backstage area of Hell The Black Bear Jamboree in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee screaming “They’ve got a Pepper Bar” every 30 seconds.  No wonder I’m not friends with them anymore.  Yeesh.

So, advertisers of America, here’s the deal.  All three of the above commercials are advertising establishments and/or products that I actually like.  In fact, I’ve been to/purchased all three at least once in the last month.  HOWEVER, as long as these commercials continue to play on the air, you will no longer have my business.  I did this same thing with Quiznos when they were airing their terrible commercials.  I’m not even going to type the names of the other offending companies, because I don’t want them to get any possible Google benefit from these 30-seconds auditory diatribes.  I’m not going to let you assault my in my own home, and then pay you my hard-earned money for doing so.  You get NONE of my money until the torture stops. 

So, please, hurry up and kill off these commercials.  I want me a Spicy Chicken Sandwich and some Churros.

Mmmm.  Churros.