Rolling down the…Lake?

As you will know if you’ve read my blog often, I live on a lake.  I’ve lived here for over two years, now, and nearly every day, I take a five-second stroll across the parking lot and I see this:

As a result, I have been pining for one of these (Canadian Flag Optional):

Actually, pining is not the right word.  Longing with lust, desperation, and envy.  Sitting on the dock with my dog burning with envy over the people who come out, pull our their boats, and look like they’re having the time of their lives.  However, there’s one big problem with me wanting to own a boat.  Well, there are several, but the main problem is that I drive this:

It may be a sporty little car, but a boat-towing vehicle it ain’t.  It’s also relatively difficult to fit this inside:

Listen, he’s cute and all, but an 80-pound wet dog in the back seat of 2-door compact car isn’t particularly endearing, you know?  Have you ever had a dog shake off the water in his fur next to you?  Now imagine that inside a Honda Civic Coupe.  Plus, he sheds like a fiend, which means that after I’ve had him in the car one time, I basically can’t have anyone else in the car until I spend $30 getting it vacuumed out.  Taking all of these things into consideration, I’ve decided that it’s nearly time for me to upgrade from this:

To This:

 

or this:

  

or most likely, this (it’s even the right color…barn not included):

That’s right.  After driving compact cars for well over a decade, I’ve finally decided it’s time for Matt to own a truck.  Gas prices be damned, insurance costs be damned, I am tired of driving puny little cars.  I want to sit above the road.  I want my car to be capable of driving up a hill.  I want to be able to go over a speed bump without having to slow down to 1/2 a mile an hour and then STILL bottom out.  I want a vehicle capable of holding a wet dog, power tools from home depot, furniture, and a load of mulch, all while towing my 22’ power boat.  Granted, the only one of those things I currently have is the wet dog, but it’s all about the foundational building blocks.  I can’t get the boat without the truck.  I can’t get the power tools without the truck.  Hell, I can’t even barely shop for groceries and get them all to fit in my car.  Plus, my bankruptcy doesn’t come off my credit record for another few years, but when it does, I’m going to want to buy a place, and I’m going to need to remodel it and/or furnish it.  That’ll require a truck.

Here’s a perfect example of how I have convinced myself that a truck purchase is justified:  A few months ago, I bought a brand new grill for my patio. This one, in fact:

Let me tell you something: you don’t ever want to try to carry home a big-ole’ stainless steel grill in a Honda Civic Coupe.  I spent 30 minutes out in the parking lot trying to get all the parts into my car.  I had to disassemble the box, get rid of all the styrofoam, pack the parts around the back seat and in the front seat (I had to hold some of the parts on my lap while I drove), and I had to wedge the grill portion into my tiny little trunk.  Then I had to go back into the store to figure out a way to keep the trunk lid closed while I drove.  It was ugly.  Getting it out was even worse.  I actually ripped the foam around my trunk and scratched the rear bumper trying to dislodge the grill when I got it home.  And no, I was not willing to get a stupid little hibachi just because I had a small vehicle.  What do you think I am?  A savage?

And let’s not even talk about what I had to go through to get my Christmas tree home last year.  Let’s just say that the Dukes of Hazard ain’t got nothing on my car entry skills.  The difference is that General Lee has windows large enough for someone with a 32” waist to fit through, whereas Samantha (my civic) does not.

Yes, I know it’s overkill for my five minute commute to work, and for tooling around town.  But I don’t care.  I want to rebel against the granola-eating, Birkenstock-with-sock wearing, neck-beard sporting tree huggers that infest the Pacific Northwest with their jalopy bicycles and Toyota Priuses.  Plus, let’s be honest, I’ve got to have something masculine to counteract the effects of belting showtunes at the top of my lungs while I drive.  Nothing says manly more than when a Ford F-150 meets the soundtrack to “The Secret Garden.”

So, here’s the plan.  I’m nearly done paying off my credit cards, and that should be completed shortly.  Now that I’ve got a goal, I’ve got something to save toward.  I’m going to spend the next five months squirreling away every single penny I can.  I’m cutting back.  I got a very substantial raise recently, but I am also lowering my expenditures.  I just lowered my monthly bills by $75 by ditching Comcast and switching to Verizon Fios (WOOHOO!).  My diet is keeping me from eating out but once a week.  I’m busting my butt on opening the Open Book Audio store, to start selling the really awesome audiobooks that I’ve been working on almost non-stop since I got back from vacation.  I’m not spending on frivolous things, like I normally do.  I’ve cut back on the number of discs I get from my Netflix Queue.  I’m even making shopping lists for the first time in years just to help alleviate having to make multiple trips. 

The day after Thanksgiving, I’m going to take my saved-up money (which I’m estimating will be at least a 25% down payment on a new vehicle) to either the Nissan, Toyota, or Ford Dealership, and I’m going to trade in Samantha to get Brutus.  Then, I’m doing to drive from the dealership over to Home Depot where I’m going to get my brand new Christmas tree, and I’m going to have the guys just “throw it in the back of the truck.”

It’ll be awesome.  I’m sure once I have this truck, I’ll start grunting more.  I’ll starting using the word “Dude” as a punctuation mark.  I will find the need to eat more red meat.  I will fart and burp in public without being ashamed.  I start wolf-whistling at women out my window.  I will start driving like a douchebag in traffic…because I can.  Heck, maybe my voice will even drop half an octave or something. 

…

Now do you see what happens when I try to go a whole year without buying a computer?