So yesterday, I was complaining (as I am wont to do) about the fact that I didn’t have anything about which I could blog.  Luckily, all three of my blog readers chimed in and offered suggestions for future posts, which I appreciate greatly, and plan to use soon..  However, I managed to have a real life experience that rankled enough that I thought it deserved its own blog rant.

I despite the US Postal Service.

The USPS is a worthless, money-wasting, bloated, inefficient, run down, obsolete, stupid pile of rat droppings.  The people who manage the postal service are scum sucking scab pickers with a collective intelligence that isn’t capable of figuring out how to escape from a Chinese finger trap.  They’re loathsome slug-eating dirtbags.  And doesn’t even begin to describe my mail lady.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. 

There really is only one word in the English language to describe the mail carrier for my apartment complex:  Bitch.  She’s unpleasant, stand-offish, and mean.  She’s lazy and ill-tempered.  She won’t even acknowledge a "hello" or a "good afternoon."  She is 100% without any compassion at all.  She’s just a stone cold bitch.

I first started having problems with this woman when I moved in three years ago and subscribed to Netflix.  I ordered my three DVDs, and I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And they never came.  So I reported the missing DVDs to Netflix, and they sent them out again.  And they never came.  Eventually, about three weeks later, the original batch of DVDs got returned to Netflix saying that my address was incorrect.  So, I got online, and my address was 100% correct.  In order to smooth over what I’m sure was just a minor understanding, I ran into my mail lady one day while I was out walking the dog, and I asked her if she knew anything.

Y’all, she looked at me with a death glare and said, "I had to send them back because the address was too long and it didn’t fit in the window." 

"I’m sure," I said, "it’s a long address.  But, you can still read the apartment number.  It’s just printed on the red part of the envelope, not the white part."

"You need to shorten the address."

"And," I stated, "My name is printed on a label inside my mailbox so you know who is living in the apartment.  There’s only ONE Matt Armstrong in the complex."

"You need to shorten the address."

"Not to mention," I continued, "that we have an office complex where the staff can look up the apartment number of anyone in the complex…even though you already have my name inside my mailbox AND you could still read the number if you looked at it closely."

"You need to shorten the address."

And that was that.  In essence, the Mail Nazi declared that she wasn’t going to

Now, granted.  I have a very long street address.  Of all of the places I’ve ever lived, it’s the longest address I’ve ever seen. 

#### W LAKE SAMMAMISH PKWY NE APT #####

That is my street address.  (Just replace the #s with actual numbers, and you’d have my address).  It’s very long.  It’s also a treat to try to spell over the phone when you need to order something or confirm your billing address.  It’s especially fun for your mom to scream over the phone to your nearly-deaf grandmother who wants to send you a birthday card with a huge honking check in it, but who is also so paranoid (and cheap)that she refuses to go to the doctor to get a hearing aid.

Anyway.

This address has been a source of annoyance for me since I moved into this complex.  I love the complex.  Most companies that send things through the mail require that your address be standardized to the US Postal Service’s (GRRRRR) official address format.  This is required because, if you standardize addresses and presort your mailings, you actually get a much cheaper postage rate.  It also helps to ensure that the service’s automatic mail sorting systems can read and recognize the address.  The problem is that, if you try to type in my full address, most web forms will choke.  Most web forms have a character length limitation that  won’t even allow me to enter my full address, even though it also requires that, because of the standardization, said address should be 100% correct.  Often, I have to actually call the company and have them manually override the system and put in my full address because otherwise I can’t pay my bills, order things online, etc.

Netflix is one of those companies that, in order to save on what must be astronomical postage costs, they standardize addresses.  So, I went online, and updated my address, shortening LAKE SAMMAMISH PKWY to LK. SAMM. PKWY as I was instructed by the Mail Gestapo.  Netflix’s system standardized it back to normal.  So then I tried moving my apartment number to Line #2.  Netflix’s system standardized it and moved it back to the first line.  Finally, I had to call Netflix and have them manually adjust it to meet the needs of the Postal SS.  And eventually my DVDs started coming through…about 80% of the time.  Sometimes they just don’t show up for three or four weeks, and then end up back at Netflix.  (Side note: It only takes them 1-2 days to get to me.  Why does it take them 4 weeks to get back to Netflix?)

That is, until Netflix makes some update to its customer address system, and in response to complaints from the postal service, re-standardizes all address and again my DVDs to stop showing up.

It’s not only Netflix that causes problems.  I’ve had credit card statements never show up or get returned to the card company because of the standardized address problem.  When a package arrives, the postal lady leaves the package in the office, but NEVER puts a slip of paper in my mailbox alerting me that a package has arrived.  So the only way I know it has been delivered is to keep bugging the office staff every day until it comes, or just wait until it’s been sitting in the office for two weeks and the office staff calls me, angrily demanding that I come and get my package or they’re going to throw it away.

And it’s not just me.  I’ve spoken with all my neighbors, and we’ve all been having problems with Mary, Queen of Stamps.  Several have complained to the Postmaster for Redmond.  And the response?  I kid you not:  "Well, you just need to shorten your address."

Okay, I have a few things to say about that.

1. THIS IS MY ADDRESS.  If you’ve got a problem with how long it is, maybe you shouldn’t have let them name the street WEST LAKE SAMMAMALAMADINGDONG PARKWAY to begin with.
2. DO YOUR D(#$ JOB.  You were hired to deliver my mail.  You have several tools at your disposal.  Just do your job and deliver my mail…even if that means to have to put forth a little effort to do it.
3. Really?  REALLY?
4. PULL THE STICK OUT.  I can understand if you’re having a bad day.  Or even a bad week.  But if you’re so miserable that you can be a dour-faced pisspot of a mail carrier for three years straight, you either need to get on some meds or get a new job.  Because you’re starting to tick me off royal.
5. YOU NEED TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND.  Either I can shorten my address or I can’t.  Either I have to standardize my address or I don’t.  If I have to use a standardized address, and that address is too long, then you, as the postal carrier, don’t get to decide whether or not you’re going to deliver my mail based on the length of said address.  My address is accurate, it’s legible (although requiring a little effort), and it has been standardized to YOUR STUPID SYSTEM!  Also, SEE RULE #2.

The United States Postal Service is dying an ignominious death.  When I was born, the price for a first-class stamp was 15¢.  Now, 32 years later, it has increased by 293%, and next year it will be 306%.  That has roughly kept pace with inflation, which is fine, but what isn’t fine is that the Postal Service is now operating at HUGE losses.  The postal service estimates that, in the next 10 years, they could amass a deficit of, get this, $283 BILLION dollars.

Again, it’s a pseudo-governmental agency, so that’s not a huge surprise, since the government isn’t any more capable of living within its means than is 4/5ths of the US population (including myself.)  But what "really frosts my cookies" (name that quote) is the fact that the USPS is running at such a HUGE deficit, but can’t even provide a basic level of service. 

If I ship a package via Priority Mail, it’s supposed to arrive in 2-3 days.  It costs more than UPS.  It doesn’t include any insurance, like UPS.  I have to pay extra for tracking, which UPS includes in the price.  And worst of all, the package NEVER takes 2-3 days.  I shipped one package last year via Priority Mail, and it took 8 days to get there.  EIGHT DAYS.  The only reason I used USPS is because I had to go to the library, and the Post Office was across the street.  Otherwise, I would have gone to UPS.

Now, in addition to trying to jack up the price of stamps to something like 55¢ next year, the UPSP is trying to end mail delivery on Saturday because it’s so expensive.  So, let me get this straight.  You’re losing money hand over fist, people are moving all of their previously mail-related business to the Internet or your competitors, You’re failing to meet even the most basic of your promised service goals, and you’re going to hold on the customers by REDUCING services and increasing costs?  Only in America.  It’s exactly the kind of hubris that toppled IBM & General Motors, that is currently in the process of toppling Microsoft, and has just barely started to topple Apple.

The Postal Service Creed states–and this is from their own television commercials, mind you–"We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever." 

Well, where in that creed does it state, "Unless I’m in a bad mood, or the address is too long, or I don’t want to be bothered going to the office to have them look up your apartment number."  If it’s dumping snow outside, I’d just a soon my mail carrier didn’t come.  Stay home and be safe.  But, dammit, if you’re going to go out on your rounds, just deliver the mail.  IT’S. YOUR. JOB.

Look.  I’m a guy who loves his technology.  I live on my computer.  I pay my bills online.  But I like actually getting a bill in the mail as a reminder to pay.  I LOVE getting birthday cards (especially when they have a check in them.)  I freak out over Christmas Cards and hang all of them on the inside of my front door for decorations.  I like getting packages from my parents with candy and gift cards (and usually some food storage items, because, hey!  Why not?)  I run a small business that occasionally ships products out to customers.  But it’s getting less and less likely that I’ll ever use the United States Postal service to do ANY of these things.  Why would I?  I could do it faster, more cheaply, and with far better tracking and security than I could do with USPS. 

And to my mail lady:  Look.  I don’t know what your problem is, but it’s about time you pulled the stick out.  I’m not normally the kind of person who complains to managers, but if you don’t start delivering my mail…or at least try to make a token effort, I’ll make an exception.  In fact, I’m sure I could spearhead a letter-writing campaign with just my apartment complex and the other complexes on my street .  And just to spite you, I’ll deliver them in person at the post office, thus negating the need to use a stamp.  I’d hate to see anyone lose their job for being a mean-spirited lazy ass, but…wait a minute. 

No I wouldn’t.  It would be awesome.